


Don´t trust him

by Mo_Jo1998



Category: Banana Bus Squad
Genre: Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, BBS squad - Freeform, BoyxBoy, Caretaker Evan, Eventual Smut, Fluff and Angst, H2OVanoss - Freeform, Insane Jonathan, M/M, Minicat - Freeform, Violence, Violent Thoughts, Violent past, asylum AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-08
Updated: 2017-09-15
Packaged: 2018-10-29 11:47:32
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 34
Words: 64,965
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10853364
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mo_Jo1998/pseuds/Mo_Jo1998
Summary: Since Evan was just a kid, he had been really fascinated by the human mind. When he got his medical degree in the human psyche he applied for a job at Oak Meadow mental asylum. Sooner or later he meets a person who will occupy all of his thoughts. Nothing is what it seems like at Oak Meadow.





	1. Oak Meadows

_Evan pov._

From a very young age, I knew I wanted to help people. I think I was 12 when I first heard of mental illnesses, my mother told me what it was since I asked so much. My uncle had just been hospitalized and I wanted to know what was wrong, so I asked my mother. As I got older I got more and more interested in mental illnesses and I studied a lot about them, I was surprised how many there were and how different people react to them. Reading about these people diagnosed with a mental illness got me thinking about how lucky I am, growing up in a normal boring family and with a healthy sanity. My curiosity about the human brain got me my medical degree at a young age and I was ready to work in the real world with real people, so I sent a job application to Oak Meadow Mental Asylum and I got an interview pretty quick.    
The day came for my first job interview and I was nervous as hell, I couldn´t think straight. I thought of everything I wanted to ask them and if they asked me anything I had to come with a good answer. It was nerve wrecking to wait for it, sitting in their waiting room and just waiting for my name to be called.  
Finally, I heard my name and I was met by a friendly looking face, smiling at me. “Hi! You must be Evan!” He said and I shook his hand and nodded, smiling back at him. “Good! Nice to meet you! My name is Brock.” He said, sounding overjoyed to meet me. He led me down a long hall and into his office, where he motioned me to sit down. “So. I´ve read your application and I must say it´s quite impressive, being so young and all.” He said and looked at my papers. “Thank you,” I said quiet and smiled. “You know, you have to be made of something special to work here, right?” He glanced up at me from the papers. “Yes indeed, I know that,” I said and sat up straight. “What made you decide on working in such a place like this?” He asked and laid my papers on his desk. _Now is my chance to get some good points in! Don´t fuck it up!_ “Well, I´ve always been so fascinated by the human mind and I´ve always wanted to know and learn more about it and the people the illness affect,” I said, sounding proud of how it came out. “That´s a good trade you got! I like it. But you do know that the job is in the closed ward, right?” He asked and I got confused, which he noticed. “If you´re not up for that challenge I get it, but if you are, then let me tell you a little about the place first.” He said and sat on the edge of his desk in front of me. “Tell me about it.” I said with confident. “Okay, well, Oak Meadow have been here for over 60 years and have held some of the most dangerous people ever and they´ve been held in the closed ward, also known as lunatic street by the employees. There are only men working here, since it could be dangerous for women. The closed ward is where you´ll be working if you get the job.” He stood up and chuckled, walking up behind me and grabbed my shoulders. “Well, talking about employees, I think you should meet some of them. They´ll decide with me if you get the job or not.” He padded my shoulders lightly. “Follow me,” He said and opened the door out.  
We walked into a break room, where there were sitting three people. There were a small kitchen and some couches in the corner. All of them looked up at me and smiled, everybody in here looked so friendly. “Guys, meet Evan. He´s one of the applicants for the job,” Brock said and judge me a little further. One of them walked over to me and reached his hand out and I shook it. He had light brown curly hair and glasses. “Hello! I´m Craig.” He said with a big smile going across his face. _He seems nice._ The other two came over and greeted me as well. “I´m David and this is Jay.” A tall dark haired man said with a funny accent and pointed to the other who looked younger than the others. The younger man had curly brown hair, dark skin and a charming gap between his front teeth. I couldn´t do anything else than to stand there and smile back to them like a confused idiot.  
I came home with an overwhelmed feeling in my gut and I felt like I got some good odds there. I still lived with my parents since I´ve been studying and saving up instead, but getting a well-paid job, I´d love to get my own place soon. My parents came right at me with questions about how it went because they´ve always wanted the best for me, being an only child and all. They´ve always supported me in my actions and what I wanted, which I loved them for. “How did it go?” “Were you nervous?” “Was the people nice to you?” “Any chances for a job there?” They both talked over each other. “Please, can I come inside first?” I said and chuckled, taking my jacket off and walked over to the kitchen to get a snack. I sat down on a chair. “And yes, it went well, I think,” I answered them while biting into an apple. “That´s lovely honey!” My mom said and pinched my cheek like a child. “I really hope you get it since this would be a dream job for you,” My dad said and padded me on the back.  
I sat in my room by my computer and researched a little about Oak Meadow, like who´s been there. I really wanted that job and of course, I knew that it was in the closed ward, that´s where I want to work, I want to meet these people in there, get to know them and maybe get my own patient to be a caretaker for. It was my big dream to get a job like that, it sounds crazy of me to wanna work in a place like that, but I´m so fascinated by it. I suddenly came across a page about the “top 10 crazy people at Oak Meadow” and I decided to read it. They´ve held some of the most dangerous and fucked up people in America, but after reading this something in me just wanted that job more and more, I was so eager to get it. Brock had told me that I had to wait a couple of days before I got an answer because he had to talk to everyone, they all had to agree and I understood that but it couldn´t go fast enough for me.  
Days passed and it felt like weeks but finally, I got a phone call from Brock, telling me to meet him at his office again. He didn´t sound happy, nor did he sound disappointed, so I didn´t know what to expect when meeting him again. I ran downstairs and met my parents in the living room. “Hey! Good news! I got a callback, but the bad news is I don´t know if I got it or not.” I said and looked at the ground. My mom stood up and walked over to me. “I´m sure you got it, don´t worry. Your dad and I will sit here and hope for you.” My mom said and kissed me on the cheek. I said goodbye to them and left the house, taking the bus to Oak Meadow, hopefully, my new workplace.  
As I walked inside, I was met by Brock´s friendly smile again and I shook his hand. Once again, I followed him to his office and sat down in front of him. There was an awkward silence for a few minutes but it was broken by a loud scream coming from outside his office. He quickly pressed a red button and talked into a mic. “Jay, I think Smitty has snuck out again to Ryan. Are you on it?” He said and not long after there came a response. “I´m on it and yes, it´s Smitty again.” The other said and Brock responded with a thank you. Brock sat up straight again and looked at me. “Sorry about that, Smitty can be a real trouble maker, but you´ll quickly learn that,” He said with a smirk. “Excuse me?” I said, not understanding what he meant. He stood up and reached his hand out to me. “Congratulations on the new job.” He said with a big smile on his face but I think mine was bigger. I was quickly up on my feet, shaking his hand fast. “Thank you so much! You won´t regret it, I promise!” I was ecstatic with joy filling my body. _I FUCKING, GOT IT!_ “I hope not. Your first day is tomorrow, where you´ll be following Jay around for the day, getting to know the place and the people and meeting all your colleagues,” He said and followed me outside. “I´ll see you tomorrow.” He said and waved me goodbye.   


	2. Meet the boys pt. 1

_Evan pov._

I woke up early today, so I could go to the gym for a quick workout before starting my new job. I was so excited for today that I didn´t get much sleep, but I didn´t feel like I needed any, still feeling high from getting my dream job, so I felt like I needed to blow some steam off. After the workout, I took a quick shower there and headed off to catch my bus. On the bus, my thoughts spun around in my head and I was getting nervous. This was a place where I couldn´t make any mistakes at all! There is no place for flaws, only on the patients of course. No place for fuck ups and forgetting stuff and especially not on my first day. I sat there in the bus and began to bite my nails from nervousness.   
Once there I walked inside and up to the reception, asking for Jay. The receptionist called for him and there didn´t go a minute before he was there, greeting me with a smile. We walked down the hall and into the break room where I was met by all my new colleagues. I looked up and there hung a big banner with the words “Welcome to lunatic street, Evan”. It made me feel really welcome and already a part of something bigger. I walked around and talked to them all, getting myself something to drink and a snack, that they´ve put out. I met David, Craig, Brock, Bryce and Jay and I felt touched that they´ve made so much for the new guy. Suddenly I heard a ringing and people began to walk out, I got up too, not knowing what to do. “So, Evan, break time is over. Let´s get to work, shall we?” Jay came over to me and said. I nodded back to him, but he looked down at his wrist watch. “Let´s go meet the boys. First stop, Smitty.” He said and looked up at me with a smile. “I´ve heard he´s a troublemaker?” I said and he rolled his eyes. “Troublemaker? HA! That´s an understatement.” He said and laughed. “I´m Smitty´s caretaker by the way and I know him best, but you´ll like him. He´s quite funny actually.” He said as we walked out of the breakroom.

We stopped in front of a big metal door and above it was a sign saying, “lunatic street”. _This is it!_ Jay took a card out of his pocket and swiped it in front of the lock pad, which made a light go green and the door opened. I followed Jay over to another door which had big letters on it spelling out, “SMITTY” and I knew we´ve reached our first stop. Jay took a hold of the door handle and looked up at me before he opened it. “Before I open this, you need to know not to look directly into his eyes and if he asks you about his eyes, just say they are cool, okay?” Jay said with a serious look on his face. “Got it!” I answered back. “And whatever you do, don´t trust him, no matter how innocent you think he looks like!”

My ears were met by loud music and I then noticed a semi tall, kinda skinny, black haired boy dancing and singing along to the music. “SMITTY! TURN THE MUSIC DOWN!” Jay yelled to him. He stopped dancing and walked over to turn the music off. Smitty turned around and I found out fast why Jay talked so much about his eyes because one of them were a dark red and the other a deep blue, unnatural of course. Smitty then out of now where made a handstand and reached his foot out for me to shake it like it was his hand. Jay nudged me in the side. “Play along.” He whispered to me, so I took his foot and shook it. He made a backward summersault and ended on his feet again. “HI! I´m Smitty! You´re new! Wanna play a game with me or maybe draw! Or, we could dance! Or, like, play a prank on somebody!” Smitty just talked like he had no stop button, but Jay stopped him and introduced me. “Smitty, calm down. This is Evan and yes, he´s new, but he´s not a patient okay? He works here just like me.” Jay said with a calm voice, but Smitty looked down and pouted sadly. “I thought I got a new friend.” Smitty said and sat down on the floor. “I can be your friend if you want that?” I said and smiled to him which apparently made him extremely happy. “YES! Will you help me with playing a prank on Ryan? He´s the funniest to do it to because he screams and cries!” Smitty said and laughed loudly, throwing his arms up and down. “YOU HEARD THAT LUI? I GOT A NEW FRIEND BEFORE YOU!” He yelled while Jay tried to calm him down and telling him that he shouldn´t touch Ryan without permission. Jay got up from Smitty. “We need to go see the others now, be nice.” Jay said and smiled. Smitty got up on a handstand again while shaking his feet. “Bye, Bye!” Smitty said as Jay locked his door. Smitty pressed his nose up against the little glass window on his door and smiled, but our eyes met, directly eye contact and his smile turned into a weird grin stretching across his face as he looked after us. _I hope I didn´t fuck anything up by making eye contact with him._  
Jay walked over and knocked on another door that said “TYLER” on it. “Tyler! Will you meet the new caretaker?” Jay asked while he leaned on the door. “FUCK OFF!” Tyler yelled from inside his room. I looked through the little window and saw a really big brown haired guy sitting on his bed and just staring at nothing in the empty room. I also noticed that there were a lot of holes in the wall too. “Why does he have so many holes on the walls.” I asked Jay confused. “Oh, that´s because he likes to punch things when he´s angry, which he is a lot when Craig´s not with him.” Jay said and looked inside too. “He only likes Craig, so never go in there without him, unless it´s a really big emergency! He´s really violent and doesn´t like the other patients either, so he´s really difficult to care for when Craig´s not here.” Jay said, padded me on the shoulder and walked to our next stop.

“Never touch this guy without his permission or if Bryce isn´t around!” Jay said as he knocked on the next door before he carefully opened it up. On this door was the name “RYAN” on. “Always talk in a low and calm voice with him.” Jay said as we walked into Ryan´s room. Jay pulled on my sleeve, telling me to crouch down carefully and so I did when I looked up and saw Ryan, a little, brown-haired guy curled up in the corner of his bed, crying. “Hey, Ryan, I want you to meet the new caretaker.” Jay said to him calmly and it made him look up at us, wiping his tears away with his long sleeves. “Hi, I´m Evan.” I said as calm and sweet as I could and I noticed a little smile come forth on his lips. Ryan scooted a little closer to the edge of his bed while he rubbed his red puffy eyes and drying his nose off. “Hi, I´m Ryan.” He said and looked up at me with the most innocent eyes I´ve ever seen. “Why are you sad, Ryan?” I asked him. He looked over at Jay and then at me, tears forming in his eyes again. “Smitty touched me.” He said with a shaky voice. He looked over at Jay. “Can Bryce come? I need Bryce.” He asked and shuffled back to the corner, taking the hood of his hoodie over his head and on the hood hung long grey bunny ears. “Of course, he´ll be here soon.” Jay said and we got up and left Ryan´s room. Jay took his walkie-talkie up and called for Bryce who came rushing down to us. “What happened to him? He was happy when I left yesterday.” Bryce asked with a worried look. “I´m sorry, but Smitty snuck out when I wasn´t watching and touched him.” Jay apologized but Bryce got an angry look on his face. “JAY! For fuck sake! Do you know how long it takes him to recover from that?! Smitty is your responsibility, so keep him away!” Bryce yelled and pushed Jay aside as he walked into Ryan´s room. Jay pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed. “For your own sake, remember to not let Smitty out of your sight if I´m not nearby and let him not get near Ryan!” Jay said and walked over to the next door.    



	3. Meet the boys pt. 2

_Evan pov._

I heard a sudden scream come from inside the room that we stood outside. The name on the door this time was “BRIAN”. I looked through the window and was shocked by the sight. A man ran around his room and he was trashing it, destroying his own things. “Brian is going at it again!” Jay said into his walkie-talkie and not soon after, Brock came running. When Brock opened the door Brian suddenly got a hold of my arm and began pulling and yelling at me. “You believe me, right? WE´RE ALL GONNA DIE SOON!” He yelled but Brock got him off me quickly and gave him an injection with a sedative to get him to calm down. Jay closed the door to his room, leaving Brock in there with Brian. “He´s normally calm and it´s been over a week since the last time he yelled like this,” Jay assured me, making me feel a bit calmer if I ever had to take care of Brian myself. Jay pointed over at a door with the name “LUI” over it and said, “This guy you won´t get scared of, he´s never violent, so don´t worry about Lui.” But when Jay opened his door, there were no one in there. “Where is-“ Jay said but was cut off by David walking up to us with Lui on his back. “He´s here,” David said and walked inside Lui´s room. “WEE! Piggyback ride!” Lui yelled with a high-pitched voice. _I didn´t know a grown man could hit such a high note!_

Jay looked down at his wrist watch. “Well, that´s all,” Jay said and I looked confused back at him. I pointed to the door down in the back. “What about that door?” I asked with curiosity. Jay scratched the back of his head and looked down at the ground. “Oh, that´s Jonathan, but I don´t know if I should show him because that guy creeps me out.” He said, nervousness filling his voice but it only got me more curious and eager to see who was behind that door. “I want to see him,” I said and looked Jay straight in the eyes. “I´m not even allowed in there without observation and I´ve been working here for 2 years!” Jay said, still with a shaky voice but I couldn´t let it go. “Please! You´re not alone, I´m observing you.” I said with a smile and giving him a pleading look. He sighed heavy and looked down. “Okay, but if anything happens I´m blaming you!” Jay said and I totally understood, so I nodded. I counted the doors and the people who worked here and something didn´t add up. “Who´s his caretaker?” I asked since I kinda figured out who was with who. “Well, he doesn´t have any specific. No one has been capable of being his caretaker, he´s too difficult and many are to freaked out to work with him.” Jay said. _How bad can he be?_

We walked over to the door with the name “JONATHAN” above it and I could see Jay was shaking as he unlocked the door. His room was pitch black, I couldn´t see anything in front of me and I was getting a little scared that he might jump at us. As we walked slowly inside, Jay suddenly placed himself behind me, hiding, making me go in first. I then felt someone grabbing my wrist, pulling me further inside and the door slammed shut behind us. Jay ran to the door and began slamming on it, but it wouldn´t open. “HELP!” Jay yelled while he kept knocking hard on the door. “He took my walkie!” Jay said with a very scared tone. I was getting more terrified by the second, I didn´t know this man and I didn´t know what he´s capable of, I had no clue what to expect or do. I felt strong hands around my ankles, pulling me hard so I fell to the ground, landing hard on my ass. “Who are you?” He said and I could feel his breath on my ear, he was inches away from my face. His voice was rough and it had a weird twist to it, like nothing I´ve heard before. I tried to stay calm, I didn´t want him to know that I was scared. I took a deep inhale. “I´m Evan, I´m new here,” I said as calm as I could without shaking. Unexpectedly I felt his two cold fingers pressing against my throat. _Is he checking my pulse?_ “Your heart is beating fast. I know you´re scared of me.” He whispered out, still feeling his hot breath on my face. “I´m not scared,” I said out, trying to convince him. “Your pulse tells me something else.” He whispered again. I then felt his cold fingers again, running through my hair and it sent chills down my spine. I tried to steady my breathing to lower the rhythm of my heartbeat and it worked. “You have very soft hair.” He whispered. “Hey! Do you two wanna know where Smitty touched Ryan?” He asked with a playful tone in his voice, but he was still close to my face. “Um, okay, sure. Where?” Jay said with his shaky voice. I heard him laugh when suddenly I felt his hand on my inner thigh and he squeezed hard. _OW! That´s gonna leave a big bruise!_ “Right here!” He said and raised his voice as he let go of me.

The door finally opened and the light came in so we could see again. I sat up and got a glimpse of him before I was pulled out of his room by Brock and David. He was very pale, with dark brown hair, icy blue eyes, and a devilish smirk on his lips as he waved his fingers at us when the door closed. “That is why I never go in there and especially not alone!” Jay said loud as he tried to catch his breath. _He must´ve held his breath this whole time, but why?_  This “incident” with Jonathan only made me wanna know more about him. Brock looked angry at us, but still relieved that we were okay. “What were you two doing in there without observation?!” Brock almost yelled at us. “I´m sorry, it was my fault. I wanted to know who was in there, you can´t blame Jay for this.” I apologized and looked over at Jay who was still shaken up from it. _I definitely fucked this up! say goodbye to your job, Evan._ I looked up at Brock who pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed. “Just… just take the rest of the day off, both of you, go home. See you tomorrow.” Brock said and left us. _What?! He didn´t fire me?!_ I looked over at Jay confused and he had the same look on his face too, confused by what had just happened.   
I got home and I had a weird feeling in my stomach as I laid down on my bed, staring at the ceiling. “How was your first day?” My mom said as she walked into my room. I sat up straight on my bed. “Well, it was weird, but I liked it and I got to meet the patient and they are all some interesting types, very different from each other, each one of them special in their own way,” I said and looked at her with a crooked smile. “That sounds good, as long as you like it.” She said and rubbed the side of my head and left. “Dinner is ready soon.” She said before closing the door. _I want to know everything about him._

Later that day after dinner, when I was sitting in my room and playing some games, my phone suddenly rang. _It´s Brock! I´m getting fired now…_ I picked up and answered it.

E: “Hello.”  
B: “Hey, Evan, I´m sorry that the incident with Jonathan happened on your first day, but I wanted to know if you´re up for a hard challenge?”   
E: “That´s okay, it was kinda my own fault. What kind of challenge?”   
B: “Well, I talked a little with Jonathan afterward and he actually likes you, he doesn´t like any of us, so I wanted to know if you would be his caretaker? He´s a difficult patient, so I understand if you say no.”  
E: “What! Really? Did he say why he chose me?”  
B: “He said he liked how calm you were and something with your hair.”  
E: “Well, he said my hair was soft, but actually I really want to know more about him.”  
B: “Wow, good. I´ll email you his journal, so you can learn a little about him, but it is not much, we don´t know much about him, but I´m glad you´re up for it.”   
E: “Thank you! Of course, I am! I´ll see you tomorrow.”   
B: “Bye.”

I hung up and laid my phone on my nightstand, running to my computer to check my email. _One new email!_ I quickly clicked it and opened the file. I cracked my knuckles and leaned back in my chair. _Time to get some reading done! Jonathan, what are you hiding?!_


	4. Patient 013

_Brock pov._

Patient 013 – Jonathan  
20\. September 2011  
Caretaker: Brock

My third day on the job. I was assigned patient 013 also named Jonathan. He´s currently in isolation with a straitjacket on, for reasons I haven´t been told. For lunch, I came in with soup and fed him with a plastic spoon. He didn´t eat much or talk to me. He didn´t blink much either. He has a lot of scars on his neck and feet, some of them look new. He refused to eat dinner and I had to force him to take his medicine. When I left, he was crying silently, no sounds coming from him at all.  

  1. September 2011



I was informed that patient 013 hasn´t said anything for over three weeks, not even a noise. He´s been moved from isolation and back to his normal room, the straitjacket has been removed also. It´s still a big struggle to get him to eat anything or to take his medicine.

  1. October 2011



Patient 013 is getting more used to me and has said his first words for almost a month. He said, “They´re all liars.” While looking directly into my eyes. I don´t know who “They” are, he didn´t say any more after that. I tried asking him what he meant or who “They” are, but he didn´t answer. He has become more obedient and eats his food, but the medicine I still have to force in him.

  1. October 2011



He has been more talkative when I´m there, but he keeps talking about “Them” and I still don´t know who he´s talking about. It seems like he gets frustrated at me for not understanding him. He keeps telling me “Don´t trust them.” With tears in his eyes. I still haven´t figured out what his mental illness is and no one has told me. There are no older files on patient 013 or anything else talking or writing about him. He´s not mentioned anywhere, so I don´t know how long he´s been here or why he´s here.

  1. January 2012



I was assigned patient 013 again after many months of taking care of other patients. He seemed happy to see me again, but there was something different about him. He appeared really stressed out and terrified of something. I couldn´t get him to tell me why he was acting like this.

  1. February 2012



I´ve been getting a lot of night shift because of patient 013. He doesn´t want to sleep, he tells me that he needs to stay awake or else “They” would take him again. So, I´ve been staying in his room for hours, hoping he would fall asleep, but instead he would scream and yell at me, crying even because I had to give him sleeping pills. I´ve asked around if anybody know who he´s talking about, but if seems like they don´t know anything about him at all.

  1. February 2012



I was shocked when I got into patient 013 room today. Most of his hair was shaved off, he had puncture wounds and burn marks all over his body. He was sitting on the cold floor, completely naked. He also had a big purple bruise around his neck like he´s been strangled. I sat down on the floor next to him and he crawled over to me like a lost child searching for warmth. I took my coat off and wrapped around him and he began crying, saying, “Look what they do to me.” I went out to get him some new clothes and when I got back I put it on him and laid him in his bed, he fell fast asleep afterward.

  1. March 2012



He hasn´t been eating in days, so I had to force a feeding tube down his throat which is a really unpleasant thing to do to someone who´s struggling, but I had to get something in him. When I removed the tube, he threw up on himself, so I had to do it over, but he kept screaming at me, so I had to strap him to a table. It´s against everything I stand for to strap someone, but it had to be done or else he would starve. 

  1. June 2012



I was removed from patient 013 because I asked too much about him and that´s not my job they told me. Today when I walked down the hall I saw one of my colleagues enter patient 013´s room and as soon as the door closed I heard him scream. He sounded terrified and it made something in me break by hearing his scream and not being able to help. It took everything in me not to go over to his room.  

  1. July 2012



I´ve been checking on patient 013, even though I´m not supposed to. His hair has grown back which he seemed happy about. Today he took my hand and held it to his heart, telling me he was calm when I was with him. The image of him sitting on the floor bruised up and freezing was still on my mind. I keep thinking who would have done something like that and why him, the other patients don't look like that.

  1. August 2012



Two new patients have come in, named Tyler and Ryan. I´ve been assigned to Ryan. I made Jonathan cry today because I had to tell him that I couldn´t check up on him anymore. It made me tear up too when I closed his door and looked through the window and saw him on the floor crying his eyes out, calling out to me “Please, don´t leave me.”

  1. November 2012



Over the past few months, I´ve been making some progress with Ryan, getting him to trust me. But I still can´t shake the thought of poor Jonathan. What I did must have been traumatizing without any doubt. I´ve seen some of my colleagues drag Jonathan from his room and to isolation, struggling much to get free. I´ll never forget his pleading look he gave me as they dragged him on the floor across the hall.

  1. December 2012



When I made eye contact with Jonathan today my heart sank. The look he was giving me, it haunts me. It looked like he had given up, but he stared at me like it was my fault. For each day that passed, he looked more and more bruised up and scared and I kept asking about him, but I never get an answer.

  1. April 2013



I was closing today, but before I closed the door to the ward I heard a laugh coming from one of the patient´s room. I went to check on it but I never expected that it would come from Jonathan´s room. I opened the door and was met by horror. He sat in the corner of his room, laughing and crying at the same time. I then noticed a big piece of his hair had been shaved off, right above his ear, but blood was running from a big hole in his head. I quickly ran out to get some sanitary towels and medical equipment to help him. He kept pushing me away when I got close to him, so I had to struggle a lot and he soon realized I was there to help, not to hurt him like “them”.

  1. April 2013



I haven´t seen much to Jonathan since that night. I didn´t bother telling anybody since it always seems like they don´t care about him. I think I finally understand who Jonathan was talking about. I know now who “They” are.

End of journal

_Evan pov._

I sat back in my chair and looked at the clock, it was late at night and I had to get up for work in just a couple of hours. So much had happened to Jonathan over just a year and a half, that I couldn´t imagine how much he had been through before Brock worked there. I laid down in my bed but I couldn´t sleep because of all the things I´ve read. _I wish I could find some old documents on Jonathan._ The Jonathan I´ve met was nothing like the Jonathan Brock had described in his journal which was really weird to me. _Maybe the change in Jonathan happened when Brock was assigned to Ryan?_ The image Brock had described of Jonathan sitting in his room, terrified, naked and freezing hit me hard like I can´t imagine Jonathan like that at all. I´ve only seen him once and it wasn´t all of him I saw, but he doesn´t seem like the little and scared type from what I could see. Brock did also mention in the journal that Jonathan checked his own pulse like he did on me which I found fascinating, he knew when people were scared or calm.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the late upload, but the site was down and I couldn´t get in.


	5. Pain I can take

_Evan pov._

When I met at work today I walked straight towards Brock´s office, I needed to talk to him, tell him that I´ve read it all. When I was walking down the hall, Brock and I made eye contact and I could see he knew where I was going and why, so he turned around and followed me to his office. I sat down and he looked me straight in the face and took a deep breath. “I took over this department because I never wanted any of the patients in here to be treated like Jonathan, ever and he´ll never be abused again.” Brock said with serious eyes, looking right into mine. “You need to promise me that you´ll never hurt him or anyone in here!” He said and of course I nodded back to him. “I would never dream of it!” I assured him. “Well, I do believe you, but you need to prove it to me too, so go, your shift started for 15 minutes ago.” Brock said with a faint smile on his lips as I closed the door and walked back down the hall.

I walked to the kitchen to get Jonathan´s breakfast and then left to get his medication. I looked down in the metal tray where his pills were. _Wow, he needs a lot of pills. How do they know what medicine to give him, when they don´t even know what´s wrong with him?_ I didn´t question it because I trusted Brock and I didn´t want to disagree with him. As I walked down to Jonathan´s room I noticed that Smitty´s face was pressed up against his window again and I tried not to look his way. I met Bryce and Ryan too, they walked hand in hand because Ryan needed to get some fresh air and he couldn´t walk alone or rather he didn´t want to walk alone. I smiled to Ryan and waved and he looked up at me with his big hazel eyes and smiled too as he chewed on one of the long bunny ears on his hoodie. Ryan´s smile gave me a warm feeling inside and it felt good to be “friends” with him.

I got to Jonathan´s door and knocked a couple of times on it before I opened it. To my luck the lights were on this time, I could finally get a good look of him. I pulled a chair over beside his bed and sat down, I quickly noticed he had a big scar running down his cheek, but the weird thing was that it looked stitched up like someone made it and then sowed it together again. He was sleeping and I didn´t know how to wake him up, so I reached my hand out, but I got a shock when he grabbed my wrist fast and whispered. “I´m not sleeping. I never do.” His eyes flung open and I was hit by the color. “Almost like ice, I know.” He said and sat up in his bed, staring at me. He reached his hand out to me. “Come closer.” He demanded, so I pulled my chair and moved closer to him. He laid his hand on my chest and looked directly into my eyes. He didn´t blink once and I was getting lost in his eyes which felt weird to me. He moved his hand away from my chest. “You´re calm.” He said and clenched his fist like it wasn´t what he had hoped for. I placed the tray with his food on my lap and gave him his pills with a cup of water. He took some up in his hand and looked at them and then up at me. “I´m not taking these.” He said with a raised voice and threw them at me, pouring the water out on my pants. “Ow, dude! Why not?” I said and got up from the chair to get a towel, while he sat and laughed at me. I sat down again and pinched the bridge of my nose, but I suddenly felt his hand on my chest again, so I looked up and was met by a disturbing smile which made my pulse rise a little. “If you want me to take them, then you have to use force and you don´t look like the type to do that.” He said and leaned back still with a smile plastered on his face. I sighed heavily. “Please, can´t you just take them?” I pleaded because I knew I would be yelled at if people found out he didn´t take his medicine. “Because! They make me sleepy!” He almost yelled angrily at me. “And if I sleep they´ll take me again!” He then whispered and suddenly his smile went to a frown, looking scared like he hoped no one would hear what he just said to me. I moved closer to him. “Who will take you?” I asked him in a very low voice. He leaned his head up against the wall and closed his eyes. “They won´t let me go.” He said and a single tear fell down his cheek. “What about Brock? Is he one of them?” I asked again, but he froze up when I said his name. He turned his back to me and crouched down on his bed. “He´s the worst of them.” He whispered out to me, but I reached my hand over and touched his shoulder. “But why?” I asked calmly and caressed his shoulder. Suddenly he got up right in front of me and pulled his shirt off. All over his pale body were scars and wounds, some of them were stitched up and others looked self-made. “Pain I can take, obviously! But Brock he… He left me to rot at my lowest!” He almost yelled at me, but he then took my hand up to his chest. “See what he does to my pulse! You don´t make it go fast.” He said and looked right into my eyes. His skin was cold just like his icy blue eyes. His pulse began to lower its pace as he kept my warm hand on his cold scared up chest. I ran my finger over the deepest scar that ran across his lower chest. “Won´t you tell me what they´ve done to you?” I asked and I could feel his heart skip a beat. He then suddenly pushed me off the chair, so I landed on the floor and he jumped on top of me, our noses were almost touching, he was inches from my face. “No. I don´t trust you yet.” He said and ran his fingers through my hair while he smiled. He then gripped a big piece of my hair tightly and pulled a little, just enough so it was painful. “But, I could show you what they´ve done…” He whispered and I began getting scared. Everything in me wanted to push him off and scream no, but instead, I tried to steady my heartbeat, taking deep breaths. “Jonathan! We´re not like them.” I said and looked him deeply into his eyes and he let go of my hair. His smile disappeared and his eyes got sad. He fell down on me and placed his head on my chest, listening to my heart´s rhythm. “Please, don´t let them take me. Please, don´t leave me.” He cried out and suddenly he was the Jonathan Brock had described in his journal. The terrified child, who just wants warmth. I wrapped my arms around him tightly and I could feel his pulse racing like a scared animal. “I promise.” I said and hushed him while caressing his head lightly.   
We stayed like that on the floor for over an hour until he had fallen asleep on me. I think I zoned out a little too. I felt bad that I had to leave him and that he had to wake up alone. I lifted him carefully off me and up onto his bed, tucking him in good and tight. He was sleeping heavy, but I knew he hadn´t been sleeping for a couple of days, so he needed this. I left his room and locked the door behind me. I looked through the window to make sure that he was still sleeping.

I turned around and was shocked by Craig who stood behind me. “How was your first “real” day?” he asked me with a wide smile. “It was good and I made him fall asleep.” I said and pointed to the window. He looked through but he didn´t smile. “No, he´s still awake.” Craig said and looked at me. “What!?” I almost yelled and saw a wideawake Jonathan waving at me with his fingers. I sighed and looked at the ground in disappointment. “Cheer up man, no one can get him to sleep without forcing pills in him.” Craig said with a smile and padded me on the back. _  
He was sleeping! I know he was! You can´t fake that so good!_


	6. The blue to my red

_Evan pov._

I had just gotten inside my house when I suddenly was called up by Brock, telling me to take the night shift with Craig and I accepted it. I walked directly up to my bed and set my alarm to set off at 8 pm. I had to be at work again by 9 for the night shift. I was surprised that I already got a night shift, even though I´ve only been there for two days or so. I laid down in my bed and looked up at the ceiling, trying to fall asleep but pictures of Jonathan´s scars, his eyes, and his voice flew around in my mind, keeping me awake.   
When I woke, I felt like I hadn´t slept at all. My dreams were his eyes and whispering in the dark, but it was like I was there, with him, like he was in my room, in the darkness. I would be lying if I said I wasn´t scared of him, but it´s okay, I just have to get him to trust me.

At work, I met Craig in the breakroom, preparing some food for the patients. “It smells good in here! What are you making?” I said and looked over at him while changing into my work clothes. “Thanks, and it´s just chicken soup, nothing special.” He said and stirred in the soup. “Isn´t it a little late for food? It´s like 9.30 at night!” I asked him. “Well, yes and no. It´s because you sleep better with food in your stomach, so by doing this, we hope that they´ll sleep through most of the night and they do most of the time. But you and I are here if they wake up, to comfort them.” He said and began pouring the soup into bowls. I walked over and helped him with the food. We both took one bowl, I walked to Ryan and he went to Lui first. Ryan was already asleep, so I didn´t bother to wake him up for soup. Then I Took Smitty and he Brian. When I opened the door to Smitty, he was laying on his stomach, with his legs waving in the air to the music on the floor and painting, but only with two colors, red and blue. He looked right up at me and I tried to look away, but he caught my eyes with his. _Oh shit! Jay told me not to make eye contact, but why?_ He smiled at me but quickly looked down at his painting again. He had red and blue paint all over his hands and face, so I told him to stand up so I could clean him. “Smitty, come on, stand up. Let´s get you clean and eat your soup. Enough painting for today, it´s bed time.” I said and crouched down to his level. “NO! I´m not done yet!” He almost yelled and his smile faded away. He suddenly got a more serious and disturbed facial expression, it made me take a step back. “Don´t you just like how red and blue goes together, so perfectly? Like lovers, don´t you think?” He said and dipped each hand into a red and a blue paint can. He smeared the paint all over his face and then he walked over and turned the music up loud. _I get now why his room is the only one that´s soundproof._ I had no idea what he would do, but I didn´t feel like I could leave him like this and with all this paint. I stuck my finger in my ears because it was so loud. “SMITTY! BED TIME, NOW!” I yelled and I knew he heard me, but he didn´t react on it either way. I´ve taught myself that in situations like this it´s best to stay calm, even if you want to run away screaming. He turned and faced me, his hands and face dripping with paint. He then reached his red hand up to my face and smeared half of my face in paint. “You seem like you would be the red one, but who´s your blue if you´re the red?” He asked me with a serious but also playful look. I had no idea what mood he was in and I felt like his brain couldn´t decide it either. I closed my eyes and I could suddenly see Jonathan´s icy blue eyes in front of me and I think I even felt his breath on my neck again. “You look like you´ve already found your blue.” He said with a smirk and as I opened my eyes and looked confused at him, he covered his mouth as he gasped. “OH! I see! You don´t know it yet yourself!” He said and laughed and I still looked confused at him like he knew something that I didn´t. “Are you done with painting and ready to get cleaned up?” I asked and pointed to the floor where all the paint laid. “Yeah. I´m done.” He said and took his shirt off so I could clean him properly. I took some wet and hot towels and began rubbing off the paint from his skin. When I was done, he packed his painting tools away and ate the soup, so I left him and locked the door behind me.

When I got out Craig looked and laughed his heart out and pointed to my face because I had totally forgotten about the paint. “Oh, my god! You told Smitty to stop painting, didn´t you?” He said while laughing hard. “Yes! No one has told me not to!” I said and walked to the bathroom to clean my face from the red paint. Smitty´s words rolled around in my head and I could hear him saying it again, that I didn´t know who “my blue” was yet. I tried to figure out what he meant and his double colored eyes had to have something to do with it. The last two left that needed soup was Tyler and Jonathan and we both knew who took who. 

I knocked on Jonathan´s door and opened it, but as soon as I peeked in he looked up at me. “I´m not gonna eat that, forget it.” He said and I walked closer to him and closed the door to get some privacy. I sat down on the chair in front of him. “Why not?” I asked, but he wouldn´t look at me. “Because, they put a sedative in it, so I get sleepy and they only put it in my food.” He whispered to me. He then got a weird look and drove his fingers through my hair. “What happened? Why is there red?” He asked with a hint of sadness filling his voice and eyes. “Oh, Smitty was painting-“ I didn´t get to finish when I was suddenly interrupted by Jonathan. “I´ll kill him for touching your hair with his disgusting and sick fingers and his revolting paint. If he likes to touch people so much, I´ll let him touch me, but it´ll be the last thing he´ll ever do.” Jonathan snickered out and turned his back to me. I laid my hand on his shoulder. “Jonathan, it´s okay. I´ll just take a shower and it´ll be gone.” I assured him but he didn´t turn around, instead, he just kept mumbling things I couldn´t quite hear. “I´ll slit his fucking wrists and rape him, just like they do to me… No, that´s not a good plan, he´ll probably enjoy it like the little pain addicted whore he is.” He said just loud enough for me to hear most of it, but I froze in position by his words. _I never imagined he could be this mean, but I guess that´s why he´s been in isolation more than anyone else._ “Jonathan, what did you say?” I asked and he finally turned around and looked at me again. “That he´s a pain addicted whore?” He said confused. “No, before that. When you mentioned something “they´ve” done to you?” I said but he looked down at his wrists and hands. “Oh, that… That happened years ago, it doesn´t matter.” He said and clenched his fists, but I took his hand in mine. “No, it matters! It matters to me! You can tell me anything, I won´t pressure you to do it, I promise, but I´ll like to know everything about you.” I said calmingly and he relaxed his fists in my hands. “I´ll maybe tell you someday when I´m drugged out of my mind, but I´d rather have that you find out yourself.” He said and took a deep breath. “But can I ask you one thing then?” I asked with hopeful eyes. “Just this once.” He said and nodded. “How long have you been here?” I said but he tensed up and grabbed my hands tightly. It hurt a bit but I didn´t flinch by his reaction, I stayed calm as always. I suddenly saw tears beginning to form in the corner of his eyes and I mediately felt bad for asking like I had triggered something in him. He took his hands up in his hair and began pulling like crazy and repeating the words “I don´t know” and “I can´t remember” over and over again. _I definitely triggered something! Shit!_

I stood up quickly and grabbed his arms, so he wouldn´t pull his hair out. “Jonathan! Calm down! It´s okay, you don´t have to tell me.” I said loud and laid him down on his back to get him to relax, but he kept crying and screaming at me the more I struggled against him. I then got an idea that might work or I hoped it would. I flipped us around, so he was on top of me with his head on my chest and I held my arms around him tightly so he wouldn´t break free.

As minutes passed he got more and more calm in my arms when he listened to my heartbeat. I think after maybe 30 minutes he was totally calm and I think he was asleep too. “Jonathan, if you´re awake, then I need to tell you that I´ll stay here all night. I´ll always protect you from them when I can.” I whispered and I felt him squeeze his head a little tighter to my chest. Deep inside I knew he weren´t completely asleep, he never is. 


	7. Take me with you

_Evan pov._

I woke up suddenly by a loud noise coming from outside the room. I looked at my wrist watch and it was around 3.30 am. Jonathan was still laying on my chest, but this time I was pretty sure he was actually sleeping. I laid still and tried to listen for the noise, but there came nothing, only silence. _Maybe it was just Craig._ I looked down at Jonathan and started to caress his hair, he actually looked peaceful for once. As I drove my fingers through his thin hair I then felt a deep hole in his skull. It had healed, but it was like a piece of his skull was missing and the worst part of it was that I could feel that it was surgical made, a completely round hole like a drill hole, not an accident.   
Out of nowhere, I heard the noise again, but this time it sounded a little closer than before. “What is-“ I was cut off my Jonathan placing his finger on my mouth and hushing me. “SHH! They´re outside the room, waiting for you to leave me.” He whispered, still laying in the same position on me. “It´s probably just Craig,” I said to reassure him, but he shook his head in disagreement. “No, you don´t understand! It´s not Craig! No one believes me.” He whispered and tightened his grip on my shirt and tucked his head closer to me chest. “You have to stay here!” He whispered and I could feel his hand creep against my side and up to my throat. “Jonathan, what are you doing?” I asked but I got no response from him, he just glided his fingers over my jawline and throat. “You… have to… stay…” He stuttered out, obviously scared. “I´ll stay. You don´t have to be scared.” I said in a low voice and patted his back lightly. “Take me home. I wanna go home! I can´t take this anymore!” He cried out on my chest.

He crawled further up and placed his head in the curve of my neck, so I wrapped my arms around him and hugged him tightly, but I suddenly felt a weird tingle in my body and my arms began to go numb. He still had his hand on my throat and jaw. “Take me with you when you go home.” He said silently and I once again felt his hot breath on my skin. “Please! I´ll do everything you want.” He whispered in my ear and then licked on the sensitive skin on my neck. My eyes widened and my pulse rose. I froze in place and I didn´t know what to do because if I push him away he might shut me out, but if I don´t! It would be wrong of me to stay like this, I can´t take advantage of a mentally ill person. “Please, Evan! I´ll do everything!” He begged me as his cold hand moved from my throat and up under my shirt. _This is a whole new side of him! I never expected he could be like this!_ The way he said my name made my skin tingle in a weird way and it messed with my head, he messed with my head. “Jonathan, no, stop!” I stammered out, but for some reason, I couldn´t move my body. I was like paralyzed in the spot and I couldn´t see a way out other than to wait and see what happens next. He then sat up on top of me and took his shirt off. He noticed my fast breathing and my scared look, but he took my wrists and strapped them to the side of his bed. “Jonathan! NO! STOP!” I yelled at him. “Do you see now how strong the pills are that they want me to take?” He said as he kept tightening the leather straps around my wrists. “You drugged me?! When? How?” I stuttered out, but he leaned down close to my ear. “Remember, I never sleep, but you do!” He murmured and bit his lip. “Please, stay with me! I´ll do everything for you, I promise!” He repeated over and over again and again in a very begging tone.

I began regaining the feeling in my fingers as I tried to move them. I needed to get free, so I came up with the only solution that might work, to play his game. “Only if you untie me,” I said smiling and he got a confused look on his face, but he slowly leaned down to open the straps, keeping his eyes on me. I could finally move my body again. My arms were free, so I took my arms up and clenched my fists to get the blood circulation back, but our eyes met and I could see he was still confused, so I winked and smiled at him again. I took a decision that I wasn´t sure would work, it was either loose or win, but I had to do it, so I pushed him so he landed on his back and I crawled on top of him. I flipped him under me so he laid on his stomach, holding his head down hard on the mattress with one hand and the other holding onto his waist. I leaned down to his ear. “Would you do anything I wanted?” I whispered and he began to whimper under me as he nodded his head. “Pl… please…” He cried out in a low voice. “I´ll do anything! I´ll be good! Just get me out of here!” He whimpered out again. “Then stop acting!” I said and got of him, but he laid completely still as he looked up at me. “You got me good, I´ll admit that, but I know that´s not who you are! You have too much pride to be like that, Jonathan!” I said and crossed my arms. I sat down in the chair, pinched the bridge of my nose and sighed. “Look, I know you don´t want to be alone and I´ve already promised you that I won´t leave you! You don´t have to act like this to make me stay.” I said and looked him straight into his eyes, but he turned his back to me and stuck his middle finger up to me while laughing. “Dumbass!” He said laughing. “What! Why?” I asked confused and he turned to me again, laying on his side with his head on his hand. “It was a test, dumbass. I wanted to know if I could trust you.” He said and rolled his eyes, but he looked happy. “So, did I pass your test?” I questioned with a hopeful tone. He closed his eyes and bit his lips, but he quickly opened them again. “14 years. I´ve been here for 14 years and I´ve had to deal with all kinds of shit, for example acting like I just did.” He said and turned around again. “And yes, you passed. You can leave now.” He said and waved his hand for me to leave, so I stood up, caressed him on the shoulder and left.

_14 years! He was 16 when he got in here!_

I got into the breakroom where Craig was laying on a couch, sleeping. I nudged him in the side to make him wake up and he did with a shock. “Oh God! Evan! I wasn´t sleeping!” He tried to explain but I didn´t care. “It´s okay, I fell asleep too,” I said and he smiled. “Oh, yeah, I saw that when I looked through Jonathan´s window.” He snickered and winked, but it made me feel awkward like he thought I had something with Jonathan. “No, it´s not like that at all!” I said, but he didn´t seem to trust me. “Hey! I won´t judge you if you got a thing for freaks.” He said and there came an awkward silence, so I sighed heavily. I didn´t want to tell him what had happened in there with Jonathan or else he would properly tell the others that I like him or something like that.  

I went to Brock´s office and took a blank notebook from one of the shelves and I wrote Jonathan on the front page. I wanted to write everything down about him. I sat down and began writing, first about his appearance, then his personality and a couple of facts about him. For example, how good he is at making you believe him. How good he is to go into a certain personality, that´s not him, but that he´s acting. Manipulating was a big thing about him too. And last, but not least, he´s been here since he was just a 16-year-old boy. He´s been locked up for 14 years, but I still didn´t know how or why he ended here. I wrote all this down, not just for my own sake, but also for others and maybe in the future, if he´s still here and I´m not. People need to know about him. I closed my eyes for a second and leaned back in the chair, but I kept getting flashing images of Jonathan in my mind and I got dizzy. _The fuck was in those pills he gave me?!_ I took a hand up to my head, blinked a couple of times and the dizziness left. _Why am I thinking about you?_


	8. Vivid dreams

_Evan pov._

“Hey? Evan? Wake up. Your shift is over, go home and sleep.” I suddenly heard Brock in front of me, pushing me gently on the shoulder to make me wake up. I blinked a couple of times and my eyes landed on Brock´s smiling face. “Morning.” I yawned out, stretching my arms in the air and smiling back to him. I looked around the room where I had fallen asleep and I was in Brock´s office, in his chair, laying on his desk to be exact. “What were you doing in here?” Brock asked me and crossed his arms, but he looked down and in front of me on his desk laid that notebook I began writing in, in the middle of the night. He picked it up and read the front page up out loud. “Jonathan, huh?” He said and began turning some of the pages. His eyes widened the more he read and for some reason, he looked surprised. “I know, it´s silly. I just got this dumb idea and I thought it might help someone, or so I could just remember him and his character.” I said and got up from his chair and walked over to Brock who was still reading my notes. He then quickly looked up at me. “How long have you been here?” He asked me and I looked confused back at him. “One week,” I said and he looked back down at the notebook. “Is something wrong?” I asked worriedly. “I… it´s…” He began stuttering. “Amazing. It´s amazing.” He said and for some reason, I could see a little tear form in his eye. “Excuse me? What´s amazing? I just wrote down the things he´s told me and what I´ve learned about him.” I said and he closed the notebook and wiped his eyes. “You´ve been here for one week and… and you already know so much about him. It´s amazing! You know more than I do!” He said and grabbed my shoulders, giving me and intense look. “What? How come?” I asked still confused. “He has never opened up to anyone but you. I can´t explain why, but I think he´s chosen you, he trusts you.” Brock said and sat down in his chair. “It would be a shame if I assign you to another patient now. We wouldn´t want him to lose trust in you, so you get another night shift with Jonathan tomorrow. Go home now and sleep.” He said and turned some more of the pages in the notebook. He looked so fascinated by my words. I said goodbye to Brock and the others that had met for the morning and day shifts and took the bus home.

On the bus, my mind was flooding with reasons why Jonathan had “chosen” me and not one of the others of my colleagues. They all seem so nice, so it´s hard for me to find reason in this. Brock had given me Jonathan to be the caretaker for and I must say, Jonathan has one of the most fascinating minds I´ve ever come across, nothing I´ve ever seen or read about before. And Brock is right, if he ever loses all his trust to me, this project of finding out more about him will be lost, forever. It was a project Brock and I had agreed to start, to find out as much information about Jonathan as I could because, for reasons I couldn´t explain, I was the only one he had let in close to him.   
As I got home and inside my house, I was basically attacked again by my mother, worried about where I´ve been for this long and I tried to explain to her that night shifts are long and that I might have fallen asleep for a couple of hours too. “I´ve been worrying all day! You could´ve called me! I thought something terrible had happened to my baby!” She said loudly and hugged me like I´ve been gone for years. “Mom! Relax! I´m right here and I promise, I´ll call next time or write a note and now that we´re talking about it, I have another night shift tonight.” I said as I tried to calm her down again. “Well, then you need something to eat first.” She said. “No! what I need is sleep! I´ll take something when I leave for work later and I´ll send a text when my shift is over, I promise.” I assured her and went up to my room.

I opened my door and I´ve never been happier to see my bed. _Come to daddy._ I thought and fell down on my bed, my eyes heavy and my heartbeat steady. I set my alarm and yawned a couple of times before my eyelids shut close. I suddenly felt the weight of something or more like someone on top of me, pushing and holding me down, just like… Jonathan did… I couldn´t move nor could I open my eyes, shut tight like glue. _Am I dreaming?_ It was a very vivid dream if it even was a dream or a nightmare. It felt just like what Jonathan did to me earlier, but I couldn´t make sure if it was reality or all in my head. I laid there for what felt like hours and my mind had convinced me it was real which was scary because I didn´t know what to do. Suddenly my alarm set off and I woke with a shock. _What a fucking nightmare._

I took my hands to my head and took some deep breaths. I still wanted to blame the pills Jonathan gave me. If it were the pills then maybe Jonathan had experienced this before, vivid dreams or nightmares, so I had to ask him when it got to work, but right now I needed a quick shower and some food. I had been sweating while I slept from nervousness, so a shower sounded real fucking good to me. As I got down the stairs, I realized that my parents were asleep, so I snuck silently around the house. I got a new towel and walked to the bathroom, without making much noise. After the shower, I got into the kitchen and took some of the leftover dinner and warmed it in the microwave.   
I plugged my headset into my phone and turned on some music as I got on the bus to work. I had another night shift with Craig, luckily, since I didn´t know who would walk into Tyler´s room if Craig wasn´t there with me. I began wondering if Jonathan liked music and if he did, then what kind. _It must be years since the last time he heard any kind of music._ I didn´t know if I was allowed, but I really wanted to bring my phone with me, inside Jonathan´s room and show him some “new things” he might not know of. Like technology must´ve moved so much in those 14 years he´s been here. It felt so weird to me that he has missed so many things from the real world like he only knows of this place of the few things he´s been told from some of the others. _Why does Smitty have music, but no one else does? Can´t he live without it?_

I greeted Craig again, standing the same place as yesterday, in the kitchen making the soup for the patients. I went over to him and just like yesterday, I helped him pour the soup into the bowls again. I took the first tray and walked over to Ryan´s room. I looked inside and this time he was awake, so I knocked gently on the door and he looked up at the window with a small smile, motioning me to come in. He sat silently, crept up in the corner of his bed, but he still had that little sweet smile on his lips. I sat the tray down on my lap as I sat down on a chair next to his bed. “Hey, Ryan. Are you hungry?” I said with a calm voice just as Jay had taught me. He looked down at the soup and then up at me. “Yes, but it´s too hot.” He said and pulled his sleeves up over his hands and up to his mouth. “Do you want me to come back later or?” I asked and he shook his head gently. “No. Will you blow on it for me? Bryce always does that when he´s here.” He said and I smiled to him as his big wet hazel eyes met mine. “Yes. Of course.” I said and I got a precious smile back from him. He folded his sleeves a bit down and took the bunny hood of his head, revealing his light brown hair with little curls on the top. I took a spoonful soup up and blew lightly on it and gave it to him. I kept doing that until he had eaten almost everything. “I´m too tired. I can´t eat anymore.” He said yawning and his eyelids looked heavy. He scooted back into the corner, took the blanket over him and laid down with his eyes closed. I stood up and took the tray in my hands and as I was about to close the door I heard Ryan whisper “Thank you” to me. It was incredible how big of an impact that guy´s smiles and little words has on me.

I walked back towards the kitchen and saw Craig with a tray, heading towards Tyler´s room, but he stopped me midway down the hall. “By the way, Smitty was sent to isolation earlier today, so he doesn´t get food at this time of day, so there is only Jonathan left for you.” He said and padded me on the shoulder as I nodded back an “Okay.”   
I picked up Jonathan´s tray. I knew it was his by the number of pills on it. _Poor Jonathan._ I thought to myself, but my thinking was quickly cut off by Craig coming back to the kitchen. “That was quick,” I said and turned to face his way, noticing his wide-eyed look on his face. “Well, someone is not in the mood for anybody today.” He said and took his hand to his forehead, wiping some sweat off. “How come?” I asked and leaned on the kitchen countertop. Craig sat down on the couch and took a deep breath in and out. “Apparently, the reason why Smitty is in isolation is because of Tyler. If I quote Tyler right, he said something along the line of, I wanna rip that pain addicted, annoying little shits throat out with my hands.” Craig said with a tired look. “Do you know what happened between them?” I asked and sat down too. “No, he won´t talk to me.” He said and sighed. I padded him on the knee and stood up again. “Well, tell me if you figure it out because I need to go,” I said and took my phone out my pocket and laid it on Jonathan´s tray. Craig´s eyes widened. “Where do you think you´re going with that?” He asked and pointed to my phone. “What? My phone? Can´t I take it with me?” I asked confused. “No! That’s prohibited here. The patients can get their fingers on it or something like that, plus it´s a rule here that you can´t share personal information about yourself or others to the patients.” Craig said, but something told me by his facial expression that he wouldn´t notice if I snuck my phone with me anyways, so I took the chance anyways.   
I sat the tray down and waited, so after about 20 minutes Craig left to go to the toilet and I saw my cut to go for it.


	9. Racing hearts

_Evan pov._

My heart was racing which wasn´t good since it was Jonathan´s room I was headed towards. I had no idea how he would react. I was about to break two major rules and I had no idea what the outcome would be. My hands were shaking and you could practically hear it by the noises the metal tray made from the shaking as I walked down the hall. Even though it was such a bad idea, it didn´t feel wrong to me and I kept telling myself that if I shouldn´t do it, then it would feel wrong, but it didn´t, so I kept going. I could feel the sweat crippling on my skin as I got closer to his door and I began to take deep breaths to steady my heartbeat, so he wouldn´t be suspicious or think I´m scared of him. _I´m not scared of him._

I stood outside of his door, but I hesitated to open it because my heart was still pulsating like crazy, those deep breaths didn´t help at all. I knew he would notice it right away and it would be the first thing he´ll ask about if I was scared. I slid my keycard on the lock pad and opened his door quietly. He looked up at me with an intense stare as I stepped inside and closed the door behind me. I pulled the chair out and sat down with the tray in my lap. “Good evening Jonathan. Are you hungry?” I asked and he squinted his eyes as he looked at me. _Please don´t notice it!_ I kept repeating those words in my head, but I knew he already knew from the start as he leaned forward with his hand reached out for my chest. “Please, you don´t have to, I know it´s racing,” I said sighing as I took a hold of his cold hand and his eyes got big by it. He quickly pulled his hand to him and clenched it, looking down at it. “Racing, heh, that’s mildly said. I could feel it on your hands.” He said with a smirk, but it faded because he didn´t know why my heart was going so fast. _I´m not scared of you, please say that to him._

I couldn´t get myself to say those words, I tried to avoid the subject, but it came. “What are you scared of?” He asked me and tilted his head, still with his eyes squinted. He kept turning his head to me as I was taking my time to answer him, but he became impatient and grabbed my wrist and his cold hands sent shivers through my body. “Tell me, Evan!” He said harshly, but not intimidating, almost like a command and for some reason, the way he said my name made me calm down more. I filled my lungs with a deep breath and closed my eyes. I reached for my back pocket and pulled my phone out and laid it on the metal tray on my lap. I opened my eyes again and what I saw was a mouth wide open Jonathan staring at my phone with his icy blue eyes. “Is it yours?” He asked me, still staring at it. “Yes. Pick it up, it won´t bite.” I said with a little smile on and I got one back when he looked up at me. His smile calmed my heart even more. He glided his finger gently over the phones smooth surface, looking almost mesmerized at it. “Where are all the buttons?” He asked me with a confused look. “There is none. It´s a smartphone with a touch screen.” I said and picked it up and turned it on. The screen shined brightly in the dim lighting, but not as bright as his eyes by the sight of my phone. He was acting just like a child, discovering new things, seeing them for the first time. I gently took his hand in mine and turned his palm upwards and laid the phone in his hand. He clenched his fingers around it, but his eyes were elsewhere, they were on me. “This is why your pulse was so high. You´re not allowed to do this.” He said with a smirk. He reached his other hand out and I leaned forward for him to lay it on my chest. “You´re right, I´m not allowed to show you any of this, but I´m doing it for you, taking a big risk,” I said and he pulled his hand away and crossed his arms with furrowed eyebrows. “Why?” He questioned me. I tried smiling at him, but he still had that doubtful look in his eyes. “Because you´re fascinating. There is no one out there like you.” I said with hopeful eyes, but he huffed at me. “Fascinating?! Don´t start with that bullshit! I´m just me!” He said with a loud voice and turned his back to me.

I got up from the chair and sat down beside him on his bed. “And that is exactly why I find you interesting because you´re you,” I said and leaned my back on the wall behind me, looking his direction. He then turned his head my way and gave me a crooked smile before he suddenly fell backward and laid his head in my lap, looking up at me with his hands behind his head. It first came as a shock, but I was getting more and more used to his sudden actions and the fact that he wasn´t scared of getting close to people. Another trade I had to write down in the notebook later.

I grabbed my phone and began looking in some of my playlists for some music he might like. “What kind of music did you listen to before, you know, all of this?” I asked as I looked around the room, but my eyes landed on his. “I… I don´t really remember much, I mean… I can´t remember.” He said and I could see the sadness filling his eyes, but not with tears, more with something that looked like disappointment. I looked at the time and it was already 1 am. Time flies when I´m in here, with him. “It´s okay not to remember” I assured him, but he didn´t seem satisfied with it. “It´s bullshit.” He sighed and I looked down at him. “What is?” I asked curiously. “All of this. I shouldn´t be in here, but I guess you think I should because I´m so fucking “fascinating”. Am I right?” He said with a serious look on his face. He wasn´t playing this time, this was the real Jonathan speaking, no façade, just him. “I guess, but I don´t know you well enough to answer that yet, so ask me again in a couple of months, then I might know more,” I said and smiled at him. “What is so fucking interesting about me? I need to know.” He commanded, but with his crooked smile on his lips that revealed some of his teeth. I leaned back because I knew I would be here all night. “And what do you mean with there is no one like me?” he asked me but in a much softer tone than before. I took my sweet ass time to answer him because I really had to think about the next words that would be leaving my mouth, I had to choose them carefully. “You´re one of a kind. Amazing even and I even dare to say that I think that if you weren´t in here, you would have been amazing at whatever work you would choose.” I said and his eyes widened, but he quickly closed them because he knew that I truly meant every word I said.

I took a hold of my phone again, but this time I knew exactly what song I should play. Eden with Times like these. I liked this part of Jonathan, the real him, laid back, but still serious in his words. I looked down at him as he laid there with his eyes closed and I could see he was touched by the song, but he took a deep breath in. “I hope that someday you´ll realize that I shouldn´t be in here and someday I´ll get out.” He said and that same crooked smile formed on his lips. “I hope so too,” I assured him and padded him on the head.


	10. Leave the money when you go

_Evan pov._

I woke quietly when I felt the sunlight from the window shining on my face. I looked at the time and it was around 6.30 am, so we must´ve been sleeping for about three hours or so. My shift ends in 30 minutes, so I was happy that I woke before it had ended instead of one of my colleagues found me sleeping in here. I remember everything Jonathan and I were talking about, down to the smallest detail because I knew I had to write most of the information I got out of him down. I looked around and noticed that I had been sleeping, sitting up in the corner of his bed with him sleeping with his head in my lap. _Why do we always end up like this?_ A part of me felt bad for leaving him, but I had to, my shift ended soon, so I had to go. I felt even worse that he might wake up by me trying to get out because he was still laying there on me.   
I tried waking him up gently. “Jonathan? Please, you have to wake up now. I´m sorry I have to go.” I said in a low voice as I began to rub his shoulder lightly. He began turning his head and body slightly which meant he was waking up, but he was taking too long. “Jonathan? Jon!” I whisper yelled at him and I finally got a response, but it was not what I expected. “Just leave the money on the counter when you go.” He said, but the weird thing was that I think he was still half asleep. I was confused by his words. “What? Jonathan, wake up!” I said and began softly pushing him. He finally raised his head up and looked at me as he leaned on his arms. “Morning.” He said with a smile. His eyes looked drowsy and his hair was a mess, but the good kind of messy. He leaned closer into my face, still with his smile plastered across his pale sleepy face. “I actually slept a couple of hours.” He said in a low voice as he began applauding me lightly like I´ve done something big. “Bravo!” He said and began laughing maniacally.   
He sat up and leaned on the wall, sitting exactly across from me, our legs mildly intertwined. I leaned over and grabbed my phone from the tray. “Can I get a picture of you?” I asked and got on the camera on my phone. “Um, why?” He questioned me confused. “Because right now you look the most you, right now you´re the real Jonathan and I´ll like to have a picture of that or am I being weird for asking?” I said and looked down at the camera. “I really don´t know what you´re trying to say, but sure, why not.” He said and began straightening his back. “No! Don´t move, just relax.” I pleaded and he huffed at me with a small smile. I held the camera up in front of him. “Make that crooked smile you always give me,” I said and laughed a little and so did he. “I really don´t know what you mean.” He said smirking and I captured the right moment. I clicked on the photo of him and took a good look at it. Lightly messy hair, crooked smirk, icy blue eyes looking straight into the camera and a tilted head, this is Jonathan.

I tilted my head as I began looking at his facial features on the photo, but I was quickly snapped from my thoughts by him snapping his fingers in front of my face. “Hey! See something you like?” He asked sarcastically with a smirk. I shook my head a little. “Sorry, I was just thinking,” I said and looked away. “Thinking about what? I´m curious and you´re the only one I like to talk to.” He said and surprised me by his words. “About what you said when you were half asleep. Something about leaving money when I left?” I said confused, but I could see his body stiffen up. _I must´ve hit something personal._ He began looking frantically around the room with panic in his eyes like he was looking for an escape. “Uh, yeah, your shift ends soon, you better go.” He said with a shake in his voice as he tried to avoid eye contact with me. “Jon, you can tell me,” I said and laid my hand on his knee, but he quickly swatted my hand away. “Don´t call me that! I´M JONATHAN!” He yelled at me and stood up on his feet, looking down at me with wet eyes. “Sorry, Jonathan, won´t you please tell me what this is about? Why you act so scared all of a sudden? I´m here, they won´t take you, I promise.” I tried to assure him but he began pacing back and forth the room, cracking his knuckles violently. “Oh, it´s not them this time!” He said, still pacing fast. “Who is it then?” I asked and he stopped up right in front of me, giving me an intense stare. “Oh, you really wanna know? Huh? Well, well, you… You must come back tonight! I´ll tell you if you come back tonight!” He said loudly as he gave me a disturbing smile, but he fell to his knees in front of me and grabbed my collar and pulled me closer to him. “Please, come back!” He begged me and his eyes became wet again. “Sure, I promise! But I have to go and talk to Brock then because I´m not sure that I can get three-night shifts in a row, but I´ll do anything I can to convince him.” I said as I tried to calm him down.

I gently got off the bed and sat down on the ground in front of him. I got an idea that might help him in calming down, so I reached my hand out and laid it on his chest and he looked surprised and confused at the same time. He then finally understood what I was trying to do, so he too laid his hand on my chest. “Can you feel my heartbeat?” I asked him even though I knew the answer. “Of course.” He said still with a mild shake in his voice. “Then, close your eyes, feel my heart and breath with me,” I said and took his other hand in mine. I began breathing heavily and so did he, my plan to calm him down worked perfectly, so I had to write this down, how to calm Jonathan down easily. After a few minutes of heavy breathing, I opened my eyes and told him that he too could open his. I was met by his icy blue eyes and a weak smile that assured me he was okay again. He tilted his head up and fell backward, laying flat on the ground with both of his arms stretched out to each side of him. he began laughing lightly as he laid there. “What are you laughing at?” I asked confused and he looked up at me. “You are aware of what you´ve done to me, right?” he said and laid his head down again on the ground, looking up at the ceiling. I was at a loss, I had no idea what he meant. “What have I done?” I asked. “I´m gonna have a really hard time to calm down now if you´re not around. That´s what you´ve done, right now, when you calmed me down.” He laughed lightly. “What do you mean?” I questioned him. “That thing you did, it worked perfectly! No one has ever been able to calm me as much as you just did! I´m amazed!” He said and lifted his arms up in the air. He sat up straight and looked at me with a small smirk. “Well, you can fuck off now.” He said with a laugh and got up from the ground and laid down in his bed. I got up and took a hold of the door, but before I opened it I looked back at him. “See you tonight.” He said and waved his fingers, just like the first time I ever met him. “Yeah, see you tonight,” I said and left his room.

I walked past the break room and quickly peeked inside. Craig was sleeping on the couch with Tyler´s soup tray on his chest, so I walked over to him and carefully lifted it off him and placed it on the kitchen counter. I wouldn´t want him to wake up and spill soup all over himself. I got out of the breakroom and just as I turned down the hall I met Brock. _Just the person I need to talk to._ “Good morning.” I greeted him. “Shouldn´t you be home?” he asked with a weak smile as he looked up from some papers he was holding. “I´m leaving in a couple of minutes. I just had to be all done before I left.” I said and leaned on the wall beside me. “So, how´s it going with Jonathan? Any new information?” he asked and gave me a hopeful look. “Actually, that´s why I stopped you. I have to get another night shift tonight!” I pleaded and he looked confused at me. “And why is that? You know that you can´t take three-night shifts in a row, that´s not allowed.” He said in a harsher tone, but I knew he meant well. “I know, but Jonathan promised me to tell me something major if I came back tonight, so I have to and I kinda promised him too that I would come.” I tried to explain, but by his facial expression, I knew I had won. “Well, if it´s such a big thing he has to tell you then, I can´t keep you from it.” He said and gave me a pad on the back before he left me and walked to his office. I was overjoyed that I had such a good and understanding boss like Brock. “Before you go, could you wake up Craig?!” I heard Brock yell from his office with a slight laugh following. 


	11. What about Tyler?

_Evan pov._

I was home, laying in my bed, but I couldn´t sleep even though I needed sleep, so I decided to write in my notebook that I had brought with me home. The clock was around 7 pm and I had to be at work in a couple of hours, but just the thought of Jonathan wanting to tell me something important kept me from getting any more sleep, I simply couldn’t. I started to imagine what in the world it could be that he wanted to tell me and why he reacted so scared when I called him Jon. Another thing to write down in the notebook, never call him Jon, never. I wrote down the easy way to calm him and it´s placing his hand on your chest and your own hand on his, then tell him to listen to the rhythm and breath to it with closed eyes.

Suddenly I heard my alarm and it was time to get ready. It didn´t feel like I´ve been writing for two hours, but apparently, I lost track of time. Before I left my house, I pulled my phone out and looked at the picture I took of him the night before and I felt like I had to remember this Jonathan because the Jonathan I have to meet tonight might not look like this when he tells me something from his past. He might be more valuable or aggressive even, but just by the way he reacted to being called Jon, I could feel he was gonna be different. I took a deep breath in, placed my phone back in my pocket and left for work.

I swiped my keycard on the lock pad and let myself in and just as I did that I heard someone behind me. “Wait! Hold the door for me.” The man behind me yelled with a funny accent and I then realized who it was. “Oh, hey David!” I greeted him as he got inside too. We walked beside each other to the breakroom and once we were there, I sat down in the couch and then it hit me. _Who´s taking Tyler if Craig isn´t here!?_ I looked over at David who was taking the big pot up and setting it on the stove, pouring the cold soup in. He turned the stove on and turned towards me. “So, I thought of who´s taking who tonight.” He started. “You take Jonathan and I, of course, takes Lui, then you Ryan and I Brian?” He said and turned to the stove again and began stirring the soup around. “What about Smitty and Tyler?” I asked, but there was a big part of me that didn´t want to ask about Tyler, hoping that maybe David would take him since I´m still the new guy. “Smitty is still in isolation, so he doesn´t get any.” He stated as he took a spoonful of soup in his mouth. “Yeah, okay, but what about Tyler?” I asked again and then David turned and the look on his face told me he was annoyed. “Argh, I hoped you wouldn´t have asked so that maybe we could say that we “forgot” him? I really don´t like that guy, especially not when you´re used to a guy who acts like a kid all the damn time.” He said and sat down beside me. There was much in me that agreed with David, that maybe we could “forget” Tyler, just this one time, but it would be so wrong of me, so I agreed to take him. “I can´t do that David, I´ll take him, but then you owe me one!” I said with a slight laugh and he nodded.

We began pouring the soup into the bowls and placing them on the trays. “Okay, since you´re taking Tyler, I´ll take Ryan, so you just have two tonight because I know that Tyler can be a handful,” David said as he laid a hand on my shoulder. I took Tyler´s tray up in my hands and looked up at David. “Thank you,” I said and he padded me on my shoulder. I walked towards Tyler´s room, but I stopped up as I heard David yell to me. “Good Luck!” He yelled and laughed a little, but I didn´t laugh, I was terrified.   
I knocked on the door that said “TYLER” on it. “Craig?!” I heard him shout from inside his room. “Um, no, it´s Evan,” I said as I swallowed hard. “Fuck off!” He yelled, but I had to go in there. “No, I´m coming in!” I said in a loud tone as I swiped the keycard in the lock. I opened the door slowly and I was met by angry eyes staring right at me. “Are you deaf? I told you to fuck off!” He said in a harsh tone. “No, I heard you. I just wanted to give you your food and meds.” I said boldly, sounding like I didn´t give a shit and I wasn´t scared, but inside I was shaking, thinking he could jump me at any time and I wouldn´t stand a chance against him. I walked over in front of him and placed the tray on a little table, but I suddenly felt a big tall shadow behind me. I turned around and looked right into his chest. _Shit! He´s taller than I imagined!_ “Let me tell you why I´m in here and hopefully that will keep you from coming in here again!” He said and pushed me so I fell backward and landed on a chair behind me. I blinked a couple of times and tried to understand what was going on, why he wasn´t acting all violent against me. He sat down in front of me on his bed. “Take this as a warning! If you ever come in here again, I´ll gut you like a pig! Understand?!” He said still in his harsh voice and raised an eyebrow and all I could do was nod fast at what he demanded. He was more talkative than I ever thought he would be. He wanted to tell me his story and I was actually quite honored. He´s the first that I´m gonna know the story behind and I never in my wildest dreams would have guessed that.

“I´m gonna be nice to you this one time because you´re new and doesn´t know my rules.” He said and took a deep breath as I nodded back to him. “I`m only gonna tell you this once, so listen up! If you have any questions, I´ll suggest you ask them when I´m done!” He said and leaned back with a weird smile spreading across his face. I had an odd feeling in my gut about how this was going to turn out, but I chose to ignore it, for now. “I think I´ve been here for 5 years now, so what happened for 5 years ago you might ask?” He started and I knew I was in for the long run. “When I was a teenager, I began obsessing over finding “the perfect one”. My obsession grew bigger over the years and it came to a point where I began thinking that maybe “the perfect one” wasn´t love, but maybe it was pleasure? I dropped out of school because I couldn´t think straight, all I could think about was: what would _I_ , Tyler, find pleasurable? Sooner or later I found out.” He took a break to catch his breath, but he had a smirk on his lips that´ll forever haunt me. “You see, I´m an only child, so I got everything I wanted, but it wasn´t enough and when I found out what I truly wanted, I couldn´t stop. I started with my mother. My father was out of town, so it was the perfect time to do it. You might already have guessed that I was bigger than my mother, so it was easy to tackle her and tie her down to my parent´s bed. Don´t worry I didn´t do what you think, I´m not disgusting. I had a kitchen knife with me and I began cutting in her and she screamed and begged me to stop, those screams were pure ecstasy. After a couple of hours, she died from the blood loss and then I cleaned my mess up, making sure to leave no evidence of me ever being there. My plan was simple, I went out at night to bars and clubs and brought back cheap slutty girls and the same thing happened to them as my mother. I never got caught, until I wanted to try something different, I was getting tired of cheap girls, so one night at this bar, I met this really attractive guy and we really hit it off. You might already know him his name is Craig.” He sighed and closed his eyes. I could see pure sadness rise in him and I could only imagine how his relationship with Craig ended. “Craig is my perfect one and I want him more than you can imagine. I never got to hear him scream and I can only dream about it now.” He said and sighed heavily again. His story gave me a totally different view on him and I don´t know if it´s for the better.

Tyler had talked for what seemed like hours and I couldn´t see a way to stop him, I was too afraid to. I looked at the time on my watch and gasped, I had to be in Jonathan´s room in under five minutes. “Tyler, I´m sorry to stop you, but I really need to go.” I apologized and he gave me a blank stare. “What is so important that you have the nerve to speak when I do?” He asked angrily and stood up in front of me. _Fuck, don´t hurt me, please!_ He cracked his knuckles and waited for my answer. “Tyler, please, I have to be with Jonathan in five minutes, it´s really important!” I pleaded in hope that he would let me go without bruises and luckily, he punched the wall beside me and not my face. He cursed to himself and began mumbling things I couldn´t understand. “I can see now why Jonathan cares so much about you and I have to respect that because he is one of the few people I don´t want to kill in here.” He said and went over to his bed again and sat down. I unlocked the door and got outside and it felt like I´ve held my breath for all the time I was in there with him.

I slowly slid down Tyler´s door till I hit the ground. All Tyler´s words flew around in my head, but the words that stuck in my head was when he said that Jonathan cares about me and I replayed them over and over again and again in my mind.


	12. Call me Johnny

_Evan pov._

I tried to steady my breathing and got up from the ground where I was sitting. I almost ran to the kitchen to get Jonathan´s food and meds, so I could make it to his room in time. Everything went so fast, so fast that I didn´t even get to say hi to David and tell him that everything went okay with Tyler, that I got out of there without bruises. “Wow, you´re really in a hurry, huh?” I heard David say to me, but I didn´t get to answer as I walked past him quickly on my way to Jonathan´s room.

I took a deep breath before I unlocked his door and let myself inside. Jonathan was laying completely still in his bed, staring up at his ceiling, not even looking my way. This wasn´t a reaction I was used to from him, this wasn´t the Jonathan I was with last night. I knew it was a good idea to look at that picture before I left home because just as I imagined, he was completely different. I placed the tray on a table behind me and walked over to him, he still didn´t look up at me, only to the ceiling. I pulled a chair over to me and sat down. It was like he was paralyzed, just like I was when he drugged me a couple of nights ago. “Jonathan?” I asked and nudged him lightly on his arm, but I got no response from him. “Jonathan, you wanted to tell me something?” I asked again, but still no movement. I got a terrible idea that might trigger something in him, but I had no idea if it was worth the risk, I might lose him by it. After almost 20 minutes of just sitting and staring at him not doing anything, I decided that I had to try something, taking the risk of something I promised myself I would never do again. “Jon! Do you hear me?” I called out and finally, I could see a response. He turned his head quickly and looked me straight in the eyes. “Who are you?” He asked and it stunned me, it even broke a part in me. “I´m Evan, your friend,” I said with sadness filling my voice. He sat up on the edge of his bed, keeping his eyes on me. He raised his eyebrows at me. “They all say that.” He said and gave me a doubtful look. “Say what?” I asked confused. “That they´re my friend, but a friend wouldn´t do this to me, you know that right?” He asked and looked at me like I was stupid and I knew he could see I was confused. “Do what to you?” I questioned, but he sighed at me and looked annoyed. “So, you´re into that kind?” He said and stood up in front of me, slowly moving towards me. “I… I don´t… Really understand.” I stuttered out, but he hushed me. What startled me the most was that he swung his leg over me and sat down on my lap. “Just shut up! I´ll make you feel good.” He whispered and I immediately felt awkward, but I had to stay calm. It seemed like he was stuck in a state before Oak Meadows. “Jonathan, please, don´t!” I tried to say, but he gave me an angry look and took my face in his hands. “I´m Johnny to you!” He yelled at me. He grabbed my hands and placed them on his hips. _What the fuck have I gotten myself into?! I got to get Jonathan back before he does anything we´ll both regret!_

“How old are you?” I asked and he raised his eyebrows again. “Well, you should know this, but I´m 15.” He said and I finally understood what Jonathan wanted to tell me. I got disgusted and my stomach turned just by the thought of it. He was just a kid and for some reason he had to go to this for help or even comfort.  He seemed so confident and… used to it, unfortunately. I began to feel sick just by the thought of this poor lonely boy. I didn´t think he even knew what real love feels like when the only way he has ever felt human contact is this. I then suddenly felt something wet on my neck. _Not this again!_ My skin began to tingle from the sensation, but I had to fight it. “Jonathan stop!” I pleaded with a loud voice, but I then felt a sharp pain. _He fucking bit me!_ “OW, FUCK!” I yelled and took my hand up to my neck, I could without a doubt feel blood coming from where he bit me. “I told you, I´m Jon-“ He began, but I cut him off. “NO! You´re Jonathan!” I shouted and pushed him off of me. He looked shocked at me, both from the fall, but also the fact that I called him Jonathan at a time when nobody else did. “What do you want from me?” He asked with anger in his voice. “What I want? I want the real Jonathan back! I understand now, okay? I get it!” I shouted at him and he looked surprised up at me. I could almost feel tears in my eyes trying to form in the corners, but I wouldn´t let them fall. I´m supposed to be his caretaker, therefore I shouldn´t look weak in front of him. He sighed heavily and sat up straight in his bed. “It´s about damn time!” He said and laughed with a wide smile. I was confused out of my mind. _Is he back?_ I had no idea and I really couldn´t tell at this time. “What? I… what do you… what do you mean? What is going on?!” I stuttered out and sighed when he gave me his familiar crooked smile that made me realize what had just happened.

He had made me think that he was stuck in a memory from his past, but all this time he was just acting, which he is terrifyingly good at. I was actually quite mad at him for putting me through this, but I couldn´t blame him entirely because the only thing he wanted was to tell me something important and I guess this was his way of storytelling, acting it out for his audience, which in this case would be me. He just laid on his bed, hands behind his head, staring at me, laughing even at how confused and annoyed I looked. I didn´t understand how he could look this happy because the story he had just “told” me was horrible and disgusting. Deep inside I was for some weird reason proud of him, he could remember something from before Oak Meadows and I had to give him that since it was so hard for him to remember anything from his past. “There are so many disgusting people out there and I can still remember their faces, fucking creeps, but at least I got paid for it.” He said and acted like it was nothing special to him, but it was, I could tell. “By the way, this was kinda a test too.” He said and sat up in his bed. “How was this a test and a test for what? Haven´t I proven to you that you can trust me?” I said a little annoyed this time by all of his tests. “You´re not the only one I´ve told this story too.” He said and looked away from me. “But you´re the only one that tried to stop me.” He said and again I felt that same turn in my stomach, giving me a horribly bad taste in my mouth. He leaned back on his hands and looked me up and down, biting his bottom lip. “But, I… I wouldn´t have minded if you didn´t try.” He said in a lower and more seductive voice and my eyes widened. _WHAT!?_ The awkward feeling returned once again in the room and my heart began to beat faster which wasn´t good. “Why… um… I uh… I don´t…” I didn´t know how to form a real sentence of words, he had completely taken me aback, stunned me as he kept looking at me like he did, giving me a smirk. He sat up again and began laughing. “Why are you so nervous all of a sudden? Oh, my god! Was it because I said that?” He asked and continued his laughing and I could feel my face turning a bright crimson red. I wanted to chance the subject so badly, away from this embarrassment. “So… um…” I started, but I didn´t know what to say next. “It´s actually hilarious seeing you like this, all awkwardly embarrassed and lost for words.” He said and began tilting his head while looking at me. He then gasped and pointed his finger at me which made me turn my head his direction. “Oh, shit! You just thought of you and me together! I could see it on your face!” He said loudly and with a big grin on his face, but he was right, I just thought of it and I had no idea of how to react on it or what to feel about it. Again, I sat there silent without any clue of how to respond to him.

Suddenly I heard loud banging noises and someone screaming. I got up quickly and told Jonathan that I had to see what was going on, but I promised him that I would come back to him right after. I opened Jonathan´s door, got outside and immediately I knew it was Smitty standing in front of Ryan´s door, banging on it hard. _How the fuck did you get out?!_ Ryan was screaming and I knew Bryce would be seriously pissed because it takes a long time to get Ryan through such a thing, he´s so scared of Smitty. I walked over to Smitty and confidently tapped him on the shoulder. “Smitty, what are you doing here? Who let you out?” I asked him, but he pursed his lips and I could see the mischief in his eyes. “I´m not supposed to tell you.” He said and looked all innocently at me like he hadn´t done anything wrong. I got me keycard out and ready to open Smitty´s door. I figured I´d just put him in his own room for now, so somebody tomorrow could figure all of this shit out. I wasn´t in the mood for his games and childish acts, so I began pushing him towards his room and he looked upset by it. “If you don´t tell me who let you out, I´ll keep pushing you!” I threatened him lightly. “Okay! Okay, just stop! The only thing I´m allowed to say is that he´s my friend, but I´m friends with everyone, so it´s not much information, but please stop pushing me!” Smitty begged me to stop and he was right, it wasn´t much of a lead for me. “Just go to your room,” I said annoyed and opened his door. He finally got inside and I sat down in front of his door, leaning on it. I sighed out heavily, I was tired and so much had happened to me today, I could barely comprehend it all. I put my head in my hands and breathed in and out slowly when suddenly I heard someone scream again, but it wasn´t Ryan this time, it was much worse, horror filling my body and my skin crippling with goosebumps. “EVAN!” I heard Jonathan scream after me and then I remembered. _I forgot to close his door!  
  
_  
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	13. Distractions

_Evan pov._

Everything was going slow motion as I ran towards Jonathan´s room, but the screams had stopped and I couldn´t tell yet if it was a good or bad thing. I could hear my heartbeat pounding loudly in my ears as I ran and it would definitely give me a headache if I kept going like this. I finally came to his door and grabbed the door handle, opening it with all I could muster, but… he was gone because I wasn´t there with him, I broke the promise. I fell to my knees in the door opening and just stared into his empty room, feeling no emotions at all. Suddenly I saw David running towards me and stopping right as our eyes met. “What happened?!” He asked, sounding frustrated, but still worried. “He… he´s gone…” I mumbled out, but he just stared at me like it was impossible for that to happen. “Smitty was… I forgot… I forgot his door!” I began stuttering, not knowing what the fuck to say to him when it felt like he wouldn´t believe me either way. “Smitty is in isolation.” He said, but I shook my head at him. “No! He got out! I locked him in his room.” I told him, but I could still see the skepticism in his green eyes. I was disappointed in myself for letting this happen to him, I broke the rules countless of times, but closing the door was the most important one that should never be broken, but I was caught up in the moment and did one of the most human things in the world, forgetting, I forgot it. I wanted to run away and just leave and be left alone, but I simply couldn´t, I wanted to help too, help Jonathan, but I had no idea where to start. My body sunk more and more into the ground as my thoughts about Jonathan kept filling every void in me. Over such a short time, Jonathan had really grown on me and he has become a really big part of why I love my job, why I love coming here every day, so if he was really gone, I couldn´t see a reason to come here anymore.

David walked closer to me and began rubbing my back. “I don´t know what happened, but I´m sure it´s not your fault.” He said to comfort me, but he was wrong, it was my fault, most of it is. I just shook my head at him as I stared at the ground where my hands were. Finally, I felt it in my eyes, salt water streaming down my cheeks, I couldn´t hold them back any longer, so I let them out and I could feel that it just wouldn´t stop anytime soon. “Easy there, buddy. I didn´t know you cared so much about him.” He said surprised and well, I guess I didn´t know I cared so much either, but I did. I had just started to really get to know him and he had finally opened more up to me than before and I let this shit happen. Even though it was a mistake, I blamed myself to the core and if anything happened to him, I would never forgive myself for it.   
I gathered my strength and dried my tears away with my sleeve. My foggy mind got clearer and I could finally think straight again. I then realized something big, but I didn´t know if David would believe me, so I decided not to tell him and look for Jonathan on my own. _How in the hell did Smitty get out? Who helped him?_ It was that thought that hit me. Jonathan always said, “they” and “them” which means plural, more than one person. I put two and two together and soon enough I realized that Smitty was a distraction for me to leave Jonathan alone in his room. _WHO THE FUCK ARE THEY!_

It was tearing me apart as hours went by with no clue to where he might be. I decided to go talk to the only one I knew who “they” are, Smitty. He might also know where Jonathan could be and maybe I could persuade him to tell me if I have something that he wants. I looked at the clock and saw that my shift ended in one hour, so I had to hurry this up. I would be broken to leave work without finding Jonathan. I walked up to his door and knocked hard on it before I unlocked it. I wanted him to know that I was angry and hurt. Smitty looked surprised at me for my abrupt entrance. I was actually fuming with anger because of the thought that this annoying guy knew who did it. “Wow! Who are you and what have you done to my calm friend Evan?” He asked ironically with a laugh as he stood up and looked at me almost fascinated that I could get mad. “Cut the crap Smitty, you know what I want!” I said with a harsh and demanding tone, but he didn´t flinch, instead, he began walking closer to me. “No, I have no idea.” He said with a playful tone that made me angrier by the second. “Uh, is red getting mad at me?” He said and leaned forward with a smirk on his lips. I clenched my fist and punched the wall beside me. “Tell me who did this!” I yelled at him, but he wouldn´t budge out of place. “Is red missing his blue?” He asked me annoyingly in a childish tone. “Stop calling me red!” I shouted at him and finally, I got a reaction from him. His eyes got wetter by the seconds and he sat down on the ground with his knees curled up to his chest, crying. He looked up at me and gave me a judging look. “You´re mean! I don´t like you anymore!” He cried out and I sighed. I felt disappointed in myself for making this mentally unstable 19-year-old kid cry and I didn´t mean to be cruel to him, only to push him a little. I crouched down to his level and laid my hand on his shoulder. “I´m sorry,” I said, but he moved his shoulder, indicating that he didn´t want me to touch him. “Leave me alone! I want Jay!” He sniffled out and it gave me an idea. “If I call for Jay to get here as fast as he can, will you then please tell me who let you out?” I asked him and he looked up at me with sad eyes and again, our eyes met directly and for some reason every time we´ve done that, it has given me a weird feeling inside like he can see right through me. Acting angry and mean towards him didn´t get me any further, so I decided to play on his feelings instead, maybe then he would help me. He nodded softly. “I want Jay.” He said quietly and it amazed me he had such a quiet and scared side to him. “Is Jay your blue?” I asked, trying to play along with his game, but he shook his head and looked to the ground again. “No… I chose to be both because no one wants me… but I´m the blue, I´m the broken one.” He said and I finally understood why he had colored his eyes both colors. “Even my own mom didn´t want me! I thought moms had unconditionally love for their kids no matter what, but I guess not…” He told me and I could see he held back a lot of buildup tears and anger in him. I tried to lay my hand on his back and this time he let me. “Will you tell me what happened to you?” I asked and he looked up again, drying his tears away from his face. “My mom didn´t want me, so I ran away when I was 10. I finally came across some people who like me for me and at the time I thought they were a traveling circus. As I traveled with them, they began “doing” things to me and now years later, it´s easy to tell that they actually tortured me, but the weird part was that I liked it, so they kept doing it for years. Even when I was alone, I did it to myself for my own enjoyment.” He said and I could see something disturbing in him change as he kept telling me about what he did to himself. “They were the only people I´ve ever known that have liked me for who I am. If that isn´t sad I don´t know what is.” He finished and leaned back on his hands. He started out crying and now he´s sitting there, smiling at me like a damn psycho. “It was those people who told me about how people are categorized in blue and red. Every red need a blue and so on.” He said and waved his hand around. I looked at the clock and my shift was over. _Damnit!_ Smitty had been talking for so long that my time ran out and I had to go home or else Brock would send me home with a warning. I got up on my feet. “I have to go now, but thank you for telling me your story, I appreciate that,” I assured him, but he rolled his eyes at me. “Yeah, whatever. See you later Evy.” He said and rolled onto his stomach. I opened his door and got out, telling myself to close his door tight. I looked down the hall to Jonathan´s room and I felt absolutely broken that I had to leave now.

I got home and plopped down on my bed, having one of the worst headaches ever. My body and mind were completely drained and exhausted from the night because of everything that had happened. I actually looked forward to having some days off, but I still couldn´t get my mind of Jonathan, so I decided to call Brock and tell him all of it.

E: “Hey, Brock it´s Evan. I have to tell you something important!”   
B: “Are you okay? You sound shaken up? has anything happened to you while at work?”  
E: “I mean, yes and no. Nothing happened to me, but… but Jonathan is gone!”  
B: “WHAT!”  
I could hear Brock in the phone storming out of his office and down the hall to check it out.  
E: “See! He is gone!”   
B: “Evan… I´m afraid to tell you that he´s still in his room.”  
E: “No… that can´t be…”  
B: “I think it´s a good thing you have those days off.”  
E: “Ask David! He was there with me!”  
Again I could hear Brock walking down the hall and then I heard David´s voice, but I couldn´t tell what he was saying to Brock.  
B: “He told me he didn´t see anything, only that you were on the ground crying. I think you´ve been in here too much and I ban you from coming here those two days.”  
E: “Maybe you´re right… I guess I´ll see you in a couple of days and please say hi to Jonathan from me.”   
B: “Get some well-deserved rest and I´ll see you again on Monday.”  
E: “Yeah, see you there.”

I hung up the call and threw my phone at the wall. _Liars, all of them! I know what I saw!_ I thought and my thoughts began creeping me out because… because they began sounding an awful lot like Jonathan.    
_What is happening to me?!_  



	14. Cold

_Evan pov._

All weekend I didn´t feel any reason to get out of my bed, so I stayed there through the days and in a weird mood too, I couldn´t seem to find rest at any point of the day or night. All I wanted was to get back to work and talk to Jonathan about all of this shit. I wanted him to explain to me what the hell happened, but I also wanted to tell him that I´ll never leave again, ever. I care about him too much, to let anything happen to him and the fact that David lied to Brock about it all, I… I have no idea how to react when I see his face again. Even though I´m happy that Jonathan is in his room, I still can´t get over the whole “he was gone” moment and him screaming for help, my name echoing through the halls in his terrified shaking voice, it was in my nightmares. I needed sleep in those two days I was off, but it didn´t feel like I got any. I would wake up in the middle of the night, swearing that I heard Jonathan scream my name, but I knew it was all just in my head. Even my mom could see how it got to me and the fact that she and my dad stormed into my room one night because _I_ was screaming in my sleep. Of course, they thought something was happening, but no, again it was all just in my head, reliving that day over and over again, replaying it, but it was just much worse. In those nightmares, I would find Jonathan, but either he wasn´t the same or I would find him dead on an operating table with holes in his head, but I would always see him smiling at me. Just the thought of not being able to help crushes me and when I´ve devoted my whole life to help mentally ill people, those in need, it´s getting me down and I´ve been all weekend. I´ve tried everything to get my mood up, but nothing seems to help at the moment. I leaned on the door frame to my house, waiting for my mom to come and say goodbye to me. She finally walked down the stairs and over to me, taking me into a big and tight hug. “Please, be careful! No more nightmares!” She warned me with her worried motherly tone. “I…” I started because I wanted to tell her that I couldn´t promise anything, but it wasn´t the right thing to tell a worried mom. “I promise.” I lied to her. It wasn´t that I wanted to lie to her, the only thing I wanted was for her not to worry or intertwine in my work, so a little white lie wouldn´t hurt anybody. Parts of me looked forward to coming back to work again, but some dreaded it like hell. There was a war inside my mind of who to trust and believe in. I wanted to believe Jonathan in what he tells me, but… there is so much wrong in trusting a mentally unstable person, who can´t even remember much from his own past. The only thing that held me from trusting my colleagues a 100 percent was that I know what I saw, he was gone.

As soon as I sat foot inside my workplace, I could feel the tension and it was thick, you could almost cut it with a knife. I got looks as I walked down the halls to my section, the closed ward and I couldn´t stop to think about how fast the rumors were spreading about me and who started them. It had to be one of my colleagues since they are the only people who knew what happened. I mostly thought about David, I know he saw it too, he was there for most parts of it. Again, I felt my heavy heartbeats in my chest and my heart hurt every time it pumped, I got dizzy and nauseous, but I had to keep going, even if it meant that I might blackout on the floor. I actually got pissed off because people were staring so much at me and it made me feel like an animal in the zoo. “STOP STARING AT ME! I know what I saw!” I yelled, but I stopped up in the middle of the hallway and took my hands to my mouth. I looked around and more people had gathered to stare at me, so I decided to run the rest of the way. I couldn´t take all of their eyes on me, it would´ve given me an anxiety attack if I didn´t run from them. It was like I heard drums in my ears as I ran, rock music actually and it was loud as fuck! _Please stop!_ This was the beginning of an anxiety attack, I know this, I´ve sadly tried it a couple of time before, so yeah, I know what it feels like to be scared out of your mind and have no idea what the hell to do about it.

I was almost stumbling down the hall until I came across something familiar, Brock´s office door. I grabbed the door handle before I tripped over my own feet and opened the door a little too violent, but it wasn´t really on purpose. “Brock!” I almost yelled at him with sweat running down my forehead. He got up from his desk quickly. “Evan? What´s the matter with you?” He asked with worry and walked over to me. He laid his arms around me and walked me over to a chair so I could sit down and catch my breath again. I could finally fill my lungs with air, the anxiety was retreating. “Why are people staring so much at me? Even people who aren´t from our section!” I asked loudly and confused. “First of all, calm down and secondly, are you sure they´re looking at you?” He asked because he too was confused. “Yes! I´m sure!” I said, but not as harsh this time. I was getting pissed just by thinking about it. “Weird.” He said while he walked over to his desk and sat down again. I couldn´t understand that “weird” was all he had to say about it, but I didn´t confront him with it, instead, I had other places to be. “Is Jonathan in his room?” I asked with eagerness in my voice. “Yeah, why?” He questioned and I almost cut him off, which is now that I think about it, kinda rude of me, to cut off my boss. “I… I have to be somewhere else right now!” I stuttered out and got up from the chair quickly, eager to see Jonathan again, but Brock grabbed my arm before I could leave his office. “Wait a minute, Evan. What happened Friday, we don´t talk about that, so you should just forget it, okay?” He said with a serious look. “Okay, sure,” I said, but it was only so that I could leave and I lied, I would never forget it. I could see that he was hesitating to let go of my arm, but he finally did, still keeping his eyes on me, but I was rushing out his door without looking back.

I stormed down the hall and I heard people talking to me on the way, but I ignored them because I couldn´t get there fast enough. “Hey! Evan, how was your weekend?” I heard Jay ask and after Jay Bryce asked me about Ryan. “Hey, Evan? Do know what happened to Ryan? He´s really scared, but he keeps talking about how you saved him?!” Bryce asked and I actually felt bad for not answering him. I was flattered that Ryan saw me like a “hero” for pushing Smitty away from his door, it warmed my heart.

I could feel my blood pump through my veins faster and faster as I got closer to his door. I really didn´t care that my heart was beating out of my chest, I knew he would know the reason for my high pulse. My hands were shaking as I brought my keycard out and sliding it on the lock pad to open his door. _I´m gonna lock the door behind me tight!_ As I opened the door, I could suddenly hear quiet sniffles and sobs coming from inside the dimly lighted room. _Why is he crying?_ I felt like he didn´t hear me or see the door open, so I closed it silently behind me. I could see a dark figure over in the corner of his room, sitting on the cold floor. I began getting teary eyed from just listening and watching him sob quietly in the corner, it almost brought me to my knees, but I had to stay strong. “Jonathan?” I whispered out and I saw the dark figure moving his head my way. It felt like I haven´t seen him for months, but in reality, it has only been two days. He got up and stepped out into the light and I could finally see him clearly. It felt like a punch to my stomach when my eyes landed on him because his hair was cut almost down, he had cuts and bruises up and down on his arms, he looked like someone´s punching bag and the worst thing to me was that he was only in his underwear, I could see he was freezing like hell. He was dirty and had dried blood all over him and I guess it was his own blood. He looked slowly up at me and when our eyes met, he busted out in tears, almost falling into my arms as he walked over to me. He laid his head on my shoulder and cried his eyes out while saying my name in between sobs. I held around his ice-cold body tight, hugging him like he was mine to keep and I wanted him out of this horrible place, it´s not good for him here.

I slowly walked over to his bed, still holding him in my arms tightly. “I´ll never leave you again, I promise!” I whispered out to him and I could feel his arms around me tighten its grip. I laid us down on his bed and took the blanket over us and he tucked himself closer to me. “You´re so warm.” He said as his body shivered in my arms. I began caressing his head, sliding my fingers through his short hair. I didn´t care that he hadn´t showered in a long time, I didn´t care about anything other than Jonathan. “I don´t want to be here anymore, Evan…” He said in a low voice and I nodded understandingly. I took his hand and placed in on my chest and his tears slowly stopped. “I know, Jonathan and… I… I will always believe you, no matter what others say.” I said and looked down at his face only to be met by his shining wet eyes. I wanted to stay here forever, in this moment.

His body wasn´t getting any warmer and he was still shivering like crazy, I didn´t know what to do until Jonathan came up with an idea. “I´m not trying to be weird or anything, but… it would be easier without clothes on.” He said and pulled lightly on my shirt. “Is that okay?” I asked and he nodded, so I sat up and pulled my shirt off over my head, throwing it on the floor. I got down under the blanket and Jonathan quickly grabbed onto me. His cold body gave me goosebumps and it sent vibrations through my body, making me quiver, a feeling I´ve never felt before. It was weird at first, but I got used to it fast. I felt his hand slide gently over my chest, his fingers drawing small circles, but they faded slowly as he got sleepier. His head laid heavily in the curve of my neck and our arms around each other. I had no idea that this job would lead to situations like this, but… I think I´m enjoying it more than I should.


	15. He is all I have

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I recommend listening to Blackbear - Weak when you´re around acoustic version for the start of this chapter if you want "the full experience" ;) <3

_Evan pov._

His head laid heavy in the curve of my neck, feeling his sleepy hot breath on my skin. Every time he breathed out it sent a pleasant sensation through me and I was getting weaker by having him around me. He slid his bare leg up and laid it on my waistline, pressing his crotch against my hip, he was really grabbing on to me. He moved his head slightly and his nose brushed my ear gently as the warm air from his nose gave me goosebumps. He was sleeping so peacefully and his body was finally getting warm, almost too warm because I could feel slight sweat appearing on my body. “If it´s too hot, you can just take your pants off, I don´t mind.” He suddenly mumbled still with his eyes closed. _Of course, you don´t mind._

I thought about it for a while and came to the conclusion that it wouldn´t hurt anyone if I didn´t have my pants on and he was right, I was nearly dying from the heat. He moved his leg down so I could unzip my pants and I did slowly and pulled my pants down, throwing them over us to the floor. I immediately felt less hot, but before I could let my legs breath, he moved his leg up again onto my waist. I felt a sudden twitch in my toes when his leg moved over my crotch, brushing over it slowly. I curled my toes and held my breath when I felt his hand on my chest again, drawing those little circles on my skin. It didn´t feel awkward to me or weird, it was, in fact, nice to lay beside him. I didn´t know what came over me, but I turned to my side, facing Jonathan. He opened his eyes a little and gave me a weak sleepy smile. I had no idea how he was doing this to me, but I lifted my hand slowly and caressed his cheek, sliding my fingers all the way down his chest to his stomach. I felt weak in my knees even though I wasn´t standing up.  
_He´s a patient, Evan! What are you doing?! Stop it, or you´ll get fired!_ I thought of the consequences, but they didn´t hold me back, I was too caught up in this blissful moment and bliss was the right word to describe how I felt. I laid my hand on his hip and pulled our bodies closer to each other. “Evan, tell me what you want and I´ll do it for you.” He whispered in a low husky voice and I began biting my cheek because I couldn´t think straight. “I… I-I…” I stuttered, but he put his finger to my mouth and hushed me. “Don´t speak.” He whispered out seductively before he crept under the covers. I suddenly felt his fingers going around the edge of my boxers, pulling them down gently. My body began twitching and I held my breath. His hands were on my thighs and my boxers were almost all the way off. When I suddenly felt him blowing hot air on my cock, his lips inches away from it, I realized that I couldn´t go through with this. _I can´t do this!_ “Jonathan! No! I can´t!” I said and grabbed his arm, dragging him up and pulled my boxers up again. Parts of me felt instant regret, but I knew it was too wrong of me. “What´s the problem! I´m offering myself to you and you denied me?! Wow!” He almost yelled at me like it was all my fault. “You know what, Evan?! I really thought there was something between us for a moment, but I guess not!” He said harshly to me and again I felt that same regret in me. He turned his head. “I really thought you were different.” He said in a low and sad voice, but a rush of emotions flushed over me, so I grabbed the back of his head and pulled his face in front of mine. _Don´t do it!_ I didn´t listen to my own thoughts, instead, I went with my heart and impulses. I connected our lips and closed my eyes. I felt his hands in my hair, pushing my head closer too. It was like time stood still and I felt a connection I didn´t know I needed, but it was everything I´ve ever wanted. I knew if I hadn´t done it, a part of me would scream at me for being a dumbass. Even though I wanted it to last forever, I knew every good thing must come to an end, so we both pulled away because of the lack of air. His big eyes were staring directly into mine, he was mesmerizing to look at, even though he didn´t look his best at the moment because of all the cuts and bruises. He really does make me weak when he´s around me. “What was that?” He asked me confused by my sudden action. For once, he was the one confused about what was going on and not me. “It was a thank you and a sorry, for before,” I said with a smile and he smiled too. “Sorry for what?” He asked and tilted his head a little. “For pushing you away, but I couldn´t do it. It felt wrong, but at the same time right. I know, it´s confusing, I can´t really explain it.” I tried to explain myself, but he laughed a little. “You don´t have to explain yourself, you´re forgiven because of what you just did.” He said and crept closer to me, placing his head on my chest.

Suddenly I could hear people talking outside Jonathan´s door, it was my colleagues talking about me, saying that I´ve been in Jonathan´s room really long, so they wanted to check in on me! I quickly turned my head towards Jonathan. “They can´t find us like this or else I´ll surely be fired!” I implied frantically and I could see that he was thinking about something. “I can´t let that happen, so I got a plan, but I´m sure you´re not gonna like it!” He said and his crooked smile returned on his lips. _Oh no…_ “Remember those pill that made your body go numb?” He asked and waved two of them in front of my face. “Yeah…” I said sighing, knowing exactly what he wanted to do. “Take them! They work faster if you take two of them, but they will be there for twice as long, unfortunately.” He explained and laid the pills in my hand as he walked over to get a glass of water for me to wash them down. I swallowed them quickly and tried to get my pants on, but Jonathan stopped me, implying that there wasn´t time for that, but apparently, there was time for him to take his sweat pants on. I furrowed my eyebrows at him and gave him a mad look, but he winked at me and suddenly I could feel my whole body tingling and slowly paralyzing. He began strapping my arms to the side of his bed with the leather straps. “What are you going to do?” I asked with slight panic in my voice. “I´ll act it out, you know, act crazier than I really am.” He said and winked again, crawling up and sitting at the foot of the bed. Our eyes met and I could see we both wanted to laugh because of this weird plan we were doing, it was actually hilarious and embarrassing for me, but I really didn´t care. I then remembered something. “But, they´ll put you in isolation for this!” I almost yelled at him with worry, but he just smiled at me. “I´m willing to take that risk for you.” He said and sighed.

I then heard the familiar sound of the lock pad opening. “Close your eyes and look knocked out!” Jonathan whispered and so I did. “EVAN!” I heard Bryce yell and I could hear two people storming into the room. I felt a cold hand on my shoulder, shaking me. Bryce was trying to wake me up, but suddenly I heard a weird voice coming from the foot of the bed. “Leave him alone! He´s mine!” It was Jonathan hissing at my colleagues for touching me. “Try and wake Evan up and I´ll take care of Jonathan,” Bryce said and I heard who the other person in here was. “Okay,” Craig said and walked over to me fast, but as Bryce moved away from me, Jonathan jumped on top of me, holding on like his life depended on it. “HE`S MINE!” Jonathan yelled again and I could feel Bryce trying to pull him off me. It was weird to listen to all of this since I couldn´t open my eyes. “Craig! Quickly, give him the injection!” Bryce ordered Craig as he pulled on Jonathan´s waist. “NO! PLEASE DON`T! I NEED HIM!” Jonathan began crying and it was hard, even for me not to believe him. So much in my wanted to open my eyes and scream stop, but it was best not to do it. I could feel Jonathan´s grip on me was getting weaker, assuming Craig had given him the sedative injection. Jonathan was pulled off me. “Craig put the straitjacket on him and take him to isolation,” Bryce said to Craig in a very harsh and commanding tone. I never knew Bryce could sound this cruel, considering who he´s caretaker for is the most gentle and scared patient in here. “No! Please don´t! He´s all that I have…” Jonathan cried out and I was amazed by his acting skill, he sounded so sincere. Craig and Jonathan left the room, so Bryce walked over to me and shook my shoulders again.

Craig and Jonathan left the room, so Bryce walked over to me and shook my shoulders again. _My time to act._ I opened my eyes slowly, blinking and looking around confused. My eyes met with Bryce´s. “What happened?” I asked, trying to sound confused and out of it. “Jonathan apparently drugged you, but I don´t know yet if he´s done anything else to you,” Bryce explained to me. I closed my eyes again and sighed out heavily.

 _What have I done…_       


	16. Isolation

_Evan pov._

Jonathan has been in isolation for almost a week now and I´ve been walking around, not knowing what to do or who to talk to. I really don´t like that I´m not allowed to visit him and the worst thing is, I have no idea if anything happens to him. He has a couple of days left in there since what he “did” to me was a major thing and he broke so many rules of what not to do to your caretaker. Someone could be torturing him right at this moment and I won´t be able to do shit, the thought of it alone was killing, tearing me to pieces. I was beginning to hate myself for going with his stupid plan, but if they figured out how close we really were, I would with guarantee get fired. It´s not a written rule, it´s just something you don´t do, you don´t get with the patients. I began picturing Jonathan in the straitjacket, laying on a table, not able to move and someone being there with him, touching him or even cutting into him. I sat on the couch in the breakroom, pulling in my hair because of it, I was going crazy over it. The sensation of our lips meeting still lingered and when it happened, it felt like an explosion that had waited to go off for a long time and I couldn´t stop thinking about that either. I was filling my head once again with thoughts of him, but this time they were a bit different than before like before I wanted to get to know him, but now… it´s all about that kiss, his touch, his voice, his laugh, his smile, his eyes, his hair, his bruised pale skin… that could have more cuts and scars on it by the time I got to see him again. _Why am I like this?..._

People were probably wondering why I looked like I did because I had big dark circles under my eyes, I was sleep deprived and I didn´t eat much, so I might´ve looked a little like a zombie when I got to work. I must´ve looked crazy and I probably sounded that way too, he got me looking that way. I just sat there quietly in the breakroom with my phone in my hands, looking at the picture of Jonathan. I had no patients to look after, so I sat there alone, having no place to be and that was the worst feeling ever, no one needed me or actually, no one I could visit needed me. Being alone really makes you think on all the worst things possible. Bryce suddenly walked in hand in hand with Ryan. I looked up from my phone and looked straight over at Ryan, giving him a really weak smile. Bryce let go of his hand and walked over to the kitchen for something, leaving Ryan standing in the door to the break room, he knew he was not allowed all the way in here. It was like Ryan knew that there was something wrong with me, so I waved gently to him to walk over to me. He shook his head at first and pointed to Bryce who had his back turned to us, but I kept signaling him to come over to me. I didn´t know why I was doing this or why I wanted him to come to me, but I´ve always felt a weird and sweet connection between us. Ryan then decided to move his feet slowly towards me and I opened my arms for a hug, it would´ve felt like an achievement for me if he hugged me back and he actually did. He slowly leaned into me and took his arms around me too. He sat in my lap, his small body leaned up against me. “Why are you sad?” He asked me in a quiet voice. “Because they took Jonathan away from me,” I answered and he looked up at me with his big hazel eyes. “Do you like him?” He asked just like a kid would and I honestly didn´t know how to answer that. “I… I don´t know… maybe… I don´t…” Was everything I could get out, but it felt like he understood why I was stuttering on my answer. “You don´t deserve that.” He said and pressed his head against my chest with his eyes closed. But our little moment was shut down by Bryce noticing us. “What are you doing?!” He almost yelled, but he stopped himself a little because he didn´t want to scare Ryan. “He´s sad,” Ryan said and looked up at Bryce, still holding onto me. “He can fix that perfectly without you,” Bryce said harshly to him and I could see he hit something in him. “And you are not even allowed to be in here,” Bryce told him and took his hand in his. Bryce was showing me a totally different side of him, one that is controlling and harsh, nothing I would have ever expected from him. Ryan was hesitating to let go of me, but soon enough he was almost pulled off me by Bryce. _They all were so nice to me when I started, but now… I don´t know what happened or am I just acting crazy?_

Again, I was sitting alone in the break room. I then got an idea, Brock wasn´t at work today, so I decided to sneak into his office and see where they held Jonathan and maybe I could “borrow” a keycard for the isolation section. I walked out of the break room and looked both directions hoping no one would see me go into Brock´s office. Once there I opened his computer and typed in the number 013 in the patient register, I had to be quick with this. I then came across something weird as I scrolled down the page. Brock had more things on Jonathan than the journal he sent me and the only question that popped up in my mind was, why would he keep this from me? I had no time to read all of it, so I was smart about it and sent I to my email and quickly deleted the email from his history.

After a couple of minutes, I found out where Jonathan was, so I looked in Brock´s drawers and looked for a keycard for that specific section. The weirdest part was that Jonathan wasn´t in the real isolation section, he was somewhere else. My mind was set, I had to look for him and especially now when I knew where he was. He´s the reason now that I want to keep working here, I can´t leave him by quitting my job. I felt like I need him the most right now and I need explanations to so much. I locked Brock´s computer and left his office nearly as quickly as I got in there. Again, I looked both directions before I walked out into the hallways. My only purpose for doing this was to make sure he was okay and a part of me just wanted to see him again, to touch him and to feel him again.

After walking through the building for what felt like hours due to it being such a big place, I came to the basement with a sigh pointing down the stairs. The sign had gathered a lot of dust, so I wiped most of it off with my hand and got most of the air knocked out of me by the words on the sign. On the sign stood with big letters “OPERATION – ISOLATION” _Why is he down there!_ My thoughts were racing through my mind. The place looked like it hadn´t been used in years, decades even. The stairs leading down were uneven and had cracks in them, so I had to watch carefully where I stepped. At the end of the stairs was a big metal door and the only thing new around was the lock pad opening. I slid the keycard on it and heard the door unlock. I pushed the door and it was so heavy that if I had been a little weaker, I wouldn´t have been able to open it. There was a semi-long dim lighted hall with rooms on each side. I looked down at the dust covered floor and noticed footprints and… drag marks. _He was dragged in his arms down here…_ I took a deep breath in and kept moving forward, I had to. I opened one of the doors to my right and peeked inside. In there was an operating table standing in the middle of the room with leather straps hanging from its sides. There hung things from the walls, but they were covered in too much dust for me to make out what it was. Luckily, the room looked unused for decades. I opened the other doors left and right, all of them dust filled until I came to the second to last door down here. Another operating table was standing in the middle, straps hanging from it too, the problem with this room that almost sent me to my knees was, that there was no dust this time, all clean and ready to be used which it also looked like it had been, unfortunately. I leaned on the door frame to gather my thoughts from this until I was snapped from it by a light humming sound coming from the last room. I couldn´t quite make out what melody it was, but I knew I´ve heard it before. I walked closer to the door and the humming grew louder by each step. I placed my ear on the door and listened and then I remembered because a voice started to sing weakly. “It´s been a long, long time since I´ve seen sunlight through the rain since I´ve felt love or truth, it´s strange, but I left bliss back where I came.” Jonathan was singing Times like these by Eden, the one song I showed him. I decided to answer back in the song. “But we´ll be alright, cause it´s all we know and it´s only change sun sets on the old, but we´re nocturnal anyway.” I sang back hoping he heard me. I then heard his little sobs and sniffles, but it was only when I heard him say my name I decided to unlock the door, so I swiped the keycard as fast as I could on the door´s lock pad and swung it open. “Sometimes it takes times like these to know you´re in the right place.”   



	17. A hell of a drug

_Evan pov._

“It´ll be alright,” I assured him as I slowly interred the neglected room. It´s was broken-down and decaying, giving me a sick feeling in my stomach, not only by the smell but also by the sight of Jonathan in the straitjacket laying on the cold tile. His eyes were red and puffy, the look you get after crying your eyes out for hours, but his eyes looked more like days than hours. I couldn´t stop thinking about how I should´ve looked for him way earlier than I did. “I´m so sorry.” I apologized and crouched down to him. He was only wearing those sweatpants and the straitjacket, no socks on, he was freezingly cold and looked sick. “Don´t be sorry. I knew you would come for me, that´s why I sang.” He explained and rolled over to his back. I then noticed something weird about him, I mean weirder than he already is. His pupils were fully dilated and he was sweating even though his skin was cold as ice. I laid my hand on his forehead and felt the highest fever I´ve ever felt. My eyes widened, but he swatted my hand away with his sloppy arm movement. “Don´t worry about it. I´m fine.” He tried to assure me, but the way he moved and the way he spoke was telling me otherwise. _Is he high?_ “You´re sick! I need to help you!” I said in a loud tone, hoping that he would understand me, but he turned his head towards me and smiled, laughing even. “It´s nothing special, just the usual heavy drugs! A mix of most of them!” He said and raised his arms up, looking at his own hands like he´s never seen them before, all mesmerized by them. I was shocked, but I then remembered one of my first days with Jonathan, walking to his rooms with almost dozens of different pills for him. _This is the reason to why he doesn´t take his pill, he can´t trust that the pills won´t do this to him_ _._

I got up and walked out of the room and into the one with the clean operating table in it. I looked for a cup and quickly found one. Rushing over to a sink, I filled the cup with cold water and hurried back to Jonathan. “I´m sorry for this!” I said just before I poured the water on Jonathan´s face. He gasped and sat up quickly immediately. “WHAT THE FUCK, EVAN!” He yelled at me and looked furious. My plan was to freshen him up, so much that he would cooperate and get out of here. He stood up, but he still had that pissed off look on his face and in his eyes which worried me a bit. His breathing was heavy as he walked slowly closer to me, making me uneasy. “YOU DON´T JUST POUR H2-FUCKING-O IN MY FACE WITHOUT GETTING HURT!” He yelled at me and he was fuming, you could almost see the steam coming off him. The drugs were apparently triggering his anger which wasn´t a good sign for me, but at least he was sick and weak if it came to it. I´ve never seen him in this kind of mood before, so I had no idea how to react or do about it. Some drugs can have mood changing or mood stimulation effects in them and those Jonathan was on was definitely stimulating his anger, turning it up to a max. There was no sense in trying to reason with him when this rage in him was controlling him, making him do and say things that I knew wasn´t something he truly meant. As he stood there, not far from me, I noticed for the first time how well build he actually was and with his eyes that screamed out anger, intimidating was the least to say about him at that moment. “Jonathan, please, I know you´re in there somewhere!” I pleaded and hoped that something in him heard me, but instead he cracked his knuckles, still slowly walking closer to me. So much in me hoped that he was acting again, but still, it was easy for me to see that he wasn´t this time. I had no idea when he got the drugs or when they would wear off. _I should´ve never poured water on him…_

I could see he was clenching his fists and every fiber in me was ready to take a hit from him, but it never came. My eyes were shut tight until I heard him. “Evan, help me.” He said and I opened my eyes and saw Jonathan with his hands to his head. He looked up at me, but only for a second before he fell backward. He fainted, total blackout. “Jonathan!” I almost shouted as I quickly crouched over to him, holding him up in my arms. I shook him a couple of time, hoping he would respond to it, but he didn´t. I laid my hand on his forehead again and the fever was still rising in him. The drugs were probably wearing off, but I had to get him out of here and get him an IV drop with cold water and probably lay him on ice. I picked him up in my arms, he was heavy, but it wasn’t a problem, the only problem for me now was that my colleagues would see me carry him through the building. It´s almost impossible to carry dead weight.

As I stood with him in my arms in the abandoned basement hall, I came up with a better idea than carrying him upstairs. I pushed open the door into the room with the clean operating table with my shoulder and walked over to it, laying Jonathan down on it. I had no medical degree in this kind of stuff, but I had watched enough medical programs to know what I´m doing. I looked around in all the drawers for things that I could use. Needles, tubes, scissors, tape, water, bags, everything I needed, I hoped. I laid his limb arm straight and looked after a big vein for me to put the needle in. As soon as the needle pierced through his skin, his eyes flung open in panic and his fist flung in my face, definitely giving me a black eye. “STOP!” He yelled, but I held his arms down. “NO, YOU STOP! I`M HELPING YOU!” I shouted back at him, but it didn´t look like he understood that. His breathing was unsteady and fast, probably the reason to why he fainted again on the operating table, his body going limp again. _I have to strap him down…_

I was working against everything in me to strap him to the table in the leather straps, but I couldn´t risk him waking up like that again, punching me in the face. My eye was burning, but I worked through the pain, keeping my focus on helping Jonathan. I tried once again with the needle. I found the vein in his arms and pressed the needle through his pale thin skin. I grabbed the tape and put it over the needle to hold it in place. I put a tube on the needle and connected it to the bag of cold water and began pressing the bag lightly. There was no tripod for me to hang the bag, so I had to press it manually, making it difficult for me to do anything else. After only 10 minutes he woke again with the same terror and panic in his eyes. “It´s me, Evan, you have to relax! It´s not what it looks like, I´m helping you.” I tried to assure him, but he shook his head violently, screaming no at me. “No, no, you´re like them! You´re not helping me, you´re making me worse! I trusted you!” His words hit me harder than I would have thought. “Please, don´t fight me, Jonathan! I´m not like them!” I begged as his tears began rolling. _At least he´s getting better._

His fever was finally retreating, but emotionally, he was not getting better. I´d rather have an angry Jonathan, than a scared Jonathan and especially when the thing he´s scared of was me. He was using all his strength to push against the straps that were holding his arms and legs, draining himself completely from energy. I was beginning to give up on calming him down until I without thinking laid my hand on his bare chest. I had totally forgotten my method to calming him almost instantly. I held tight around his wrist as I took the strap off around one of his arms. I moved his cold hand up under my shirt and pushed it against my chest, keeping my hand on his too. “Breath with me Jonathan. Feel my heartbeat.” I said with the calmest voice I could make and the panic in his eyes was slowly going away. “It´s me, Evan, the one you can always trust,” I assured him and he nodded as he breathed out heavily. His heartbeat was luckily almost back to the normal rate again. “Can I open the straps without you punching me again?” I asked and smiled sweetly at him. “Yes, and sorry.” He said and sighed out. I walked over to the other side and released his legs and his other arm. I sat up on the table with him and held my hand up to my black eye, huffing out by the pain from touching it lightly. “You don´t have to say sorry. You were scared, but so was I. I didn´t know if I had lost you those times you fainted.” I said and looked down at my feet that were barely touching the floor. I turned my face his way and was met by his crooked smiled that I had missed so much.

“What are you smiling at?” I asked and smirked at him. “You´ll never lose me.” He said and laughed. It was easy to see in both of our eyes that we couldn´t help ourselves anymore, that we just wanted to give in, so without much hesitation, he took my face in his hands and pulled me closer to him, our lips inches away from each other. “Is it too wrong?” He asked and smirked. “Yes,” I answered back, but he kept smiling and finally, he moved so close that our lips once again met in that sweet tingling sensation. This time we had time to explore each other, no one to interrupt us, no one giving us a reason to pull away.


	18. Oh so wrong

_Evan pov._

_What is this, this weird feeling in me? Nothing I´ve ever felt before with anybody, I´ve only had a girlfriend, isn´t that normal? Is this normal?_ So many questions flew around in my head in the middle of our second kiss ever. His hand moved slowly from my head to my side, giving it a little squeeze as his hand ended on my hip. I felt a sudden twitch in my pants, sending the jolts down my legs and my pants were suddenly tighter than normal around me. _What, why now?!_ I opened my eyes just to see for myself that what I was doing was real and it was clear as the sky. He then opened his eyes to and the color hit me again just like the first time I saw them, intense icy blue staring right into mine. He pulled away slowly and his lips glistened with saliva that he licked off. “What´s wrong?” He asked with slight sadness in his tone. He looked at me like he thought I didn´t enjoy it, but the truth is, I did, very much actually and I already missed the feeling of his lips on mine. “Nothing, I just had to be sure of something,” I said and smiled at him giving him a little wink. He laughed nervously and scratched the back of his head. “Sure, of what?” He said with a nervous laughter following after. I took his hand in mine and looked down at it. “That all of this is real and not something my fucked-up mind made up because it does that sometimes,” I said and he noticed that my smile had faded a little. He moved his hand from mine and placed it on my cheek, turning my face towards him. “It´s okay, mine does that too.” He said assuring and gave me his crooked smile that I am so fond of, instantly making me feel better.

 _Evan, stop yourself right now! It´s gonna end up badly and you know it! It´s not right! You can´t be with someone who´s locked in a mental asylum!_ As I might´ve told, I had stopped listening to my common sense and sticking with heart and what it wanted. I´ve never done that, I´ve always followed my brain because last time I followed my heart, it got broken and when my common sense took over I didn´t look back, but now I have a much different case in my hands. There was a war between my mind and feelings and this time my feelings won, well, it didn´t just win, it completely took over everything in me, even my movements. It was like my heart yelled at me that it was its time to shine. Jonathan still had his hand on my cheek, so I laid my hand on his thigh and he looked down at it surprised. “I´m only gonna do something if you allow me. I don´t want to mess up anything.” Jonathan said caring, proving to me he genuinely like it and that he didn´t feel forced to do anything which was kinda the only thing he has ever tried, unfortunately. I looked up at him and nodded. “You´re allowed,” I said and he smiled like a kid who just found out he was going to Disney land which surprised me a bit. _How long has he waited for this?_ “Please, stop me if I do anything too wrong.” He kinda begged with pleading puppy dog eyes. “I promise,” I said with a slight laugh, but inside I was a bit nervous about what he wanted to do more than kissing. _I´ve never kissed a guy before and especially not someone like him!_ I was nervous, I didn´t know what to do, but I tried to go with Jonathan´s flow. He started off gently, with small kissed on my neck which sent me into a haze of pleasure like nothing I´ve ever felt before. Without noticing how fast he had moved upwards, his lips were suddenly on mine again and it was total bliss through my body.

The kiss got rougher by the seconds and he began to lick my upper lip and bite gently in my lower. _I´m not ready!_ Soon enough I opened my mouth like he wanted me to do and I was taken by surprise by his tongue interring my mouth. He was amazingly good at what he did to me and how he made me feel because there were small explosions inside my chest. He placed his hand on my inner thigh, slowly moving it upwards to my crotch and I wanted to stop him, but at the same time, I didn´t want to stop it. I knew where he was going with his hand and it made my legs tense up like I couldn´t move them at all. I began gasping in the middle of the kiss because his hand was inches away from my pants zipper, slowly brushing his fingers over the place. I kept my hands around his neck and up in his hair, keeping my eyes closed too.

With one sudden action his fingers were on the zipper, gently slid it down. _Please, stop this now!_ The flyer was fully open and he stuck his hand inside, palming me through my boxers and it felt so good, but also really wrong of me for doing this. “You´re so tense, don´t worry, I´ve done this a thousand times.” He snickered in the middle of the kiss and I got a little disgusted, but only because the other times he´s done this, it was not by his own free will. “Please, don´t say that,” I said, but I suddenly came out with a little too loud moan as he clenched around my dick. “Oh, you like that?” He asked seductively with a rough voice in my ear and my mind got foggy and unclear. He was suddenly so dominant in his tone and in his ways, but I guess it´s because I´m letting him, for at the moment I´m too far gone to do anything about it. _This is not you! You´re not the one to be dominated, so stop this!_ He became rougher in his actions by the second which was a little unsettling for me, I didn´t want to go all the way, not now.   
He got down from the table and placed himself between my legs and basically attacked my neck with his mouth, keeping his hand on my dick. “Jonathan, it´s enough now.” I semi begged him to stop without being rude, for honestly, I enjoyed it too much, but I felt like he didn´t listen to me. “I could just take you right here, nobody would know.” He whispered in the curve of my neck and I got a bit worried. “I know, but won´t you please stop now?” I pleaded for I was too weak to stop him myself and especially when he got his hand down in my pants. He then moved his hand under my boxers, now it was skin against skin, no fabric between and it felt amazing, but I still felt the need to stop. “Oh, my God, no we can´t stop now!” He moaned out with a hoarse voice. He leaned against me and I fell backward, laying down on the operating table with him on top of me. “Jonathan! Stop!” I said loudly, but he kept going and I was getting more and more scared of him. “I´ve dreamt of being on top of you ever since the first time I saw you!” He said and got up, staring right down at me with his lust filled eyes. He was stronger than I had ever imagined, even though he was still sick he could manage to hold me down fine without breaking a sweat because I began struggling a little against his grip on me. “It´s too much! Stop! Please!” I began yelling, but we were deep down in the basement, so nobody would hear us and he was right, nobody would ever know.

He wasn´t the same Jonathan, this persona he was now was twisted and disturbing, there was definitely something wrong with him, he would never do this to me. The only reason I could think of to why he would be acting this way was if some of the mood stimulating drugs might still be in him, taking over his common sense and reason to stop which was bad for me. I looked up at him and saw some saliva drip down from his lips and thought to myself that this was definitely not right. He looked around and his eyes landed on the leather straps beside my arms and I immediately got a hundred times more scared because a weird smiled formed on his lips like he got an idea that I knew I wouldn´t like. _You should´ve stopped before it could come to this you dumb fuck!_ My heart was racing like crazy when he took a tight hold of my wrists and began strapping my arms to the side of the table. “It´s all gonna be okay if you just lay still.” He said weirdly as he got off the table and began sliding my pants off. “PLEASE STOP!” I screamed now, I was terrified and had no clue what to do. He slid his fingers up and down my now bare legs and then took his fingers up to his mouth and sucked on them. “I can´t wait to taste you!” He whispered seductively into my ear and then nibbled on the earlobe. This must´ve been how he has felt all those times, strapped to a table, not being able to fight against those sick fucks. And by that thought it hit me as clear as the day, he´s not influenced by the drugs anymore, but simply trying to tell me or rather show me how it´s like to feel weak and terrified. He was trying to tell me his story. “Jonathan! I get it now! You can stop, please!” I said and got direct eye contact with him. I could see in his eyes that something changed when I said that and tears began to form in them too. He sighed heavily before he unstrapped my wrists and sat down beside me on the table. “Now you know what it feels like…” He said sighing again, looking down at the ground. “You know I would never hurt you on purpose.” He said assuring and I laid my arms on his bare back and held him close to me. “I know and you know I would never hurt you either,” I assured him too and he nodded with a weak smile. “I´m sorry. I never meant for it to go this way, the idea just popped up in my head and I went with it, but it was terrible of me I know that. I didn´t like seeing you like that either. I´m such an asshole.” He said and laid his head on my shoulder. I began rubbing my hand up and down his back, telling him it´s all okay. He laughed a little catching me off guard. “What´s so funny?” I asked and looked at him, but he pointed down. “Your pants are still hanging on your ankles.” He said laughing at the sight and I looked down and true enough, there hung my pants dangling from my ankles.

It was all fun and okay until we heard voices and footsteps coming from the hallway, voices I couldn´t quite make out who´s was. Jonathan pulled on my shirt and I turned my face to look at him and he whispered: “They´re back!”    


	19. I want him to watch

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song that fits this chapter is Muse - Mercy. Hope you enjoy it <3

_Evan pov._

“Shit! We need to hide or something!” Jonathan whisper yelled at me as he pulled hard on my shirt. If they saw me down here I knew I would be fired on the spot, I wasn´t even supposed to know of this horrible place. The only good thing I could see come out of this was that I would finally know who´s done this all those years, tormenting poor Jonathan, haunting him in his dreams and when he´s awake, even my dreams have been infiltrated by these sick people. I couldn´t imagine them being someone from my section, they´re all too nice and friendly, it would be too fucked up if I´m wrong.

Jonathan and I crawled down on the floor over to a tall locker and got inside it both of us. There wasn´t much place, but we managed to do it because Jonathan was so scared that he held on to me as his life depended on it. There were small openings in the locker so that I could look out and luckily, I had the direct eyesight of the door to the hallway. Jonathan was a whimpering mess in my arms, shaking like crazy because of the thought of that they might take him again, so he was holding on tight. Suddenly I could hear mumbling sounds of two people coming from the hallway and they sounded annoyed and pissed off, probably because Jonathan wasn´t inside the cell. The sound of their voices made Jonathan cry even more and whimper out small sounds, telling me that he was terrified out of his mind. “Shh, I´m not letting them do anything to you, I promise!” I whispered to calm him and it worked a little. He shut his mouth to stop the terrified whimpers, so I moved my hand up and caressed his head, sliding my fingers through his short and thin brown hair, hushing him gently. I tried hard to listen to the voices that became clearer as they walked closer, I tried to hear if it was voices I´ve heard before and unfortunately there was one familiar voice the other I couldn´t quite figure out who was. It was Jay´s voice I heard, but the odd part was that he sounded scared too like he was being yelled at by the other and suddenly a third voices popped up. _Is that Smitty?!_

They finally got close enough for me to hear them clearly. “I thought you didn´t tell Evan where he was!” the unknown yelled. “I swear! I didn´t say anything! He even yelled at me, but I promise! Please hurt me!” The person who could only be Smitty begged. _So that little fucker knew all along!_ I was angry, fuming actually that he knew where Jonathan have been taken for years. “JAY! Why in the name of God did you convince me that Smitty was useful?!” The unknown yelled at Jay angrily with a deep voice. “I´m sorry, but he´s is telling you the truth! He would never lie to me, right Smitty? You would never lie to me?” Jay said beggingly sweet to Smitty. “He´s right! I could never lie to my Jay!” Smitty told him in a weird tone. _His Jay? Do they have something going on too?_ I was so confused, but that was only the small part, I immediately got scared when the unknown person commanded Jay to go look for me. “They must still be here, Evan hasn´t checked out of work yet!” He said harshly and the sound of their footsteps faded as they walked away from the cell. Jonathan and I taking deep breaths in, feeling like we could finally breathe properly for what´ve felt like hours without getting much air.

I finally understood why Jonathan has such a big and deep hatred for Smitty like when I got some of his paint in my hair and Jonathan swore he would kill him in the worst possible way imaginable. I opened the locker slowly and peeked out before we both got out, Jonathan still holding on to me tightly. I had the weird feeling in my gut that Jay was being forced to help the unknown guy, but I had no idea why he would ever do that, it was like Jay didn´t know better like he didn´t know what was actually happening to Jonathan. “Are they gone?” He whispered to me with a slight shake in his voice from the silent crying. “I think so,” I answered back in a low voice and looked down at him. His eyes were red and puffy, but he gave me a small smile, assuring me he was okay. I hugged him tightly into my body, but our little celebration for avoiding them faded when I heard Smitty stumbling down the hall towards the room we were in. I could feel Jonathan´s fists clenched, anger rising in him like a pot of boiling water. I guess he still had a little anger left in him after the fever, well enough to knock out Smitty if he wanted which was written across his face bright and clearly that it was a big wish for him. “If he as much as curls a hair on your head, I swear to God I´m gonna fucking slit his throat open!” He whisper yelled as we looked at the door where Smitty´s voice was coming from. “I´m not gonna let you kill him, but I´m not gonna stop you in hurting him a bit,” I said and he smirked at me. “Good.” He said with a little disturbing twist in his voice, but I didn´t care that much about it. He let go of me and began cracking his knuckles, ready to land a heavy hit on Smitty just like he did on me, giving me that black eye.

The door to the room suddenly creaked open and two familiar different colored eyes peeked in. Smitty gasped at the sight of us. “Red! You finally figured out who your blue is!” He said annoyingly and then turned his head outside the room. “They´re in here making out!” Smitty yelled out in the hallway in his childish tone. I was afraid more than ever since he called after someone and I had no idea who it was or what they were capable of doing to us, well I had a slight idea of what they might do, but it was nothing nice, it was sick and twisted things. “We actually were before you guys came and interrupted us!” Jonathan snarled at him in a taunting tone. I was not a fan of Jonathan´s idea of telling them that there was something between us, more than a caretaker and his patient. He was like bragging to Smitty about us and a part of me wanted to deny it and move on, but I was stuck down here with him, not really able to run from it all. I didn´t know about my own feelings towards Jonathan yet, I could only blame myself for being caught up in those moments when something happened between us. If I had met him at a random bar in town instead, maybe our story and my feeling would´ve been different. The only thing that was clear to me was that I had promised Jonathan and myself that I couldn´t let anything happen to him, I wouldn´t let them come near him, that would be over my dead body, I simply couldn´t break another promise. Jonathan grabbed my hand tightly as the voice of the unknown man was heard coming from the hallway behind Smitty. “See! I can help!” Smitty said to the man that slowly stepped inside the room, his features becoming clear to me. He was tall, wearing a lab coat and big combat boots which were a weird looking combination. The most prominent features about him were his beard and one big and long scar going across his right eye. It was like the whole atmosphere changed as he stepped inside, Jonathan got immediately more scared and Smitty almost laid down on his knees before him, my heart was almost pounding out of my chest. “Funny to find you two down here.” He said with an evil looking grin plastered across his face. He walked closer to us with his hands in his lab coat´s pockets, Jonathan hid behind me, shaking. “Finally, we meet, Evan. Jonathan has mentioned or should I say screamed your name a couple of times which has annoyed me a bit.” He said in a growling low voice. “Hehe like you don´t want somebody that you´re screwing to scream another´s name, right?!” He said and laughed, looking at Jonathan who stood behind me. “Oh, I´m Luke by the way.” He said and looked me right in the eye, making me anxious. Everything was like in slow motion as he kept staring at me until Jonathan whispered to me. “Don´t let him take me!” His voice was shaking and I could practically hear the tears running from his blue eyes. “Jonathan, please come over to me,” Luke said with a pleading voice, but Jonathan shook his head violently into my back, repeating the word no over and over again. “If you don´t do as I say, I`ll have to hurt your precious Evan too and we wouldn´t want that, wouldn´t we?” Luke said with a different tone. It was easy to tell where Jonathan had learned to be manipulative when you heard it directly from the source. Luke shook his head lightly and looked to the ground. “What a shame, I really hoped it wouldn´t have come to this. I´m sorry Evan, well, not really actually.” Luke snickered and with one loud whistle, two guys walked in, wearing old hockey masks on their faces, making it impossible for me to make out who they were. They both walked quickly over to us, one of them grabbing me from behind and the other one dragging Jonathan by his arm over to Luke. “NO! Don´t you dare touch him! Let him go!” I almost yelled, but Luke only laughed at how pathetic I looked like laying on the floor with one of the guys holding me down. Jonathan laid on his knees in front of him as Luke grabbed his hair harshly and held his head so he looked up at him. “Strap Jonathan to the table and hold Evan up, I want him to watch!” Luke commanded the hockey mask bearing men. One of them grabbed Jonathan by his hair and arms, bending him over the table and strapping his arms to each side in the leather straps. Jonathan began screaming for help and begging them to stop, he knew all too well what was going to happen and I couldn´t help him, I could only watch helplessly. “EVAANN! HELP ME, PLEASE!” Jonathan cried out as his pants and underwear were slowly slid off of him and down to his ankles. His screams were piercing my ears and breaking my heart to pieces. “STOP!” I yelled, but to no avail, as Jonathan mentioned earlier, no one can hear you down here. Luke was unbuckling his belt as he looked at Jonathan with disgustingly lustful eyes, licking his lips. “HOW CAN YOU BE INTO THIS, YOU SICK FUCK! HE´S CRYING FOR HELP!” I shouted at him even though I knew it wouldn´t help anyone. Luke laughed as he slid his fingers over Jonathan´s bare back to his ass, licking his fingers too just like Jonathan showed me. He walked over behind Jonathan and placed his hands on his hips, looking directly over at me with a big disgusting smile on his lips. “Are you ready, Jonathan?” Luke said sarcastically and I wanted to throw up because I felt sick by watching them.

And by one quick movement by Luke, I heard the most heartbreaking cry come from Jonathan and soon enough the tears started streaming from my eyes too as I kept having eye contact with Jonathan.   


	20. So precious to me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song that fits this chapter is Animal cover by Chase Holfelder.

_Evan pov._

“You have work tomorrow, shouldn´t you be heading to bed?” Jonathan said and sat down beside me on the couch. The apartment was lighted up dimly by the sunset shining through the curtains. Jonathan leaned closer and laid his head on my shoulder, so I wrapped my arms around him and kissed him on top of his head. “I feel so lucky when I´m with you,” I said calmly and smiled brightly when he got up and looked at me with the crooked smile that I fell for. “I feel the same way with you.” He said and closed his eyes, leaning closer to me with pursed lips.

I woke right before his lips landed on mine, it was all just a dream and the place I woke up in was a nightmare. I laid on the cold tile in Jonathan´s isolation cell, all alone and I had the worst headache ever like I´ve been knocked out which I remembered clearly was the reason to why I didn´t remember how I got in here. _Did they drug me too?_ I had a weird feeling in my stomach like nothing I´ve ever felt before and I felt weird mixes of emotions that proved my theory of me being drugged. I didn´t know where to put my head or what to feel, I was scared. The only thing I needed was to know where Jonathan was and get him out of here. I was tired and nauseous, I just laid on the floor, staring at the ceiling, but I was interrupted by the door opening. I used all the strength I had left in me to sit up and look who it was. I suddenly felt all my anger rise in me just like when I poured water on Jonathan, my rage was boiling in me when Luke walked inside the cell holding a stool. He closed the door behind him and placed the stool on the floor for him to sit on. “Good morning. You´ve been out cold all night.” Luke said with a grin on his face. _Shit! I didn´t have a nightshift! My parents must be worried sick!_ I couldn´t do much than to look up at him with disgust. “I thought you might be curious to know the backstory to all of this since you care so much about little Johnny boy.” He said and sat down on the stool with crossed legs, but he was right, I wanted to know the motive to all of this because I care.

I was breathing heavily through my mouth and sweat was almost dripping off me. I guess I got the fever too from being in here and those awful drugs they´ve given me. “Where do I begin?” He said and tapped his chin lightly with one finger. “Well, I guess I can start with the day I first met him.” Luke started and looked directly at me with a smile. “I had just started working here, you see I was very young, but I knew just like you that I wanted to work with these kinds of people. We have a lot in common you and me, Evan.” He said, keeping his eyes on mine. I wanted to deny him, tell him that I´m nothing like him, but I was too weak to talk, so I just stared angrily at him. “I overheard a conversation between my boss and two worried parents, talking about their precious little boy that they couldn´t understand and that they´ve had enough, they couldn´t take him anymore, so they wanted to place him in good hands here at Oak Meadows. I remember the first moment our eyes met so clearly, it was when I peeked in through the door and saw him sitting on a chair, looking at his parents with so much anger, but he then turned his head and saw me, so I smiled, but he didn´t smile back though.” Luke stopped and looked at the ground. It was weird how he talked about this like Jonathan mattered to him which disgusted me even more. “Since I was the youngest in the caretaker crew, I got assigned the 16-year-old boy Jonathan and then our story really begins. I have been here just as long as Jonathan and he´s so special to me, but when he began talking about you, I had to find you! I don´t like how he talks about you like you´re the one that will save him from this place, from me. He doesn´t need saving! You understand that?” He asked, but I kept my angry stare at him, telling him that he was wrong. “Where did I come from? Oh, right. Months passed and Jonathan and I´s bond grew stronger each day, even my feelings towards him grew which I found weird at first, but he was so special to me, more than a brother, more like a lover, but I guess the feeling wasn´t mutual because to Jonathan I was just like a brother and nothing more, but I wanted to change that so bad.” He stopped and laughed a little and I huffed at him, giving him the look of annoyance in my eyes. “It started with small kisses on the cheek and hugs goodbye every day when I left him, it developed over the course of weeks, he began sleeping on me on my night shifts with him and one night I couldn´t keep it in me anymore, so I kissed him passionately. Jonathan was 17 the first time I couldn´t control myself around him, he just had that delicious boyish body that I couldn´t keep myself from anymore. You might wonder why Jonathan has so many scars, well, every time he begged for me to stop, I had to punish him.” Luke began licking his lips, probably thinking of Jonathan. “I was the first Jonathan ever trusted in here and after some of my colleagues found out my little secret, I was moved to another section in the building. It wasn´t written down anywhere why I was removed from the closed section, luckily for me, but since I´ve been here for so many years I´ve earned a high spot and is the boss over many, so if you get out and begin to tell everyone what you´ve seen here, no one will believe you!” Luke finished and stood up.

Luke crouched down to my level. “Who do you think you are? Do you really think you can walk in here and take Jonathan away from me?” He asked rhetorically and gave me a pissed off look. “We´re not so different you and I, but the difference is that you´re still at the state of denying your feelings towards my precious Jonathan when I know exactly how I feel and I won´t let you come between what we have! Jonathan has already talked about you too much, so I have a better idea than to make everybody not believe you, so just wait here.” Luke said with an evil grin and left the cell.

I was all alone in that rotten cell that I knew Jonathan had tried to spend days in, so horrible and disgusting in here. The rage in me was slowly retreating which meant the drugs were wearing off too, luckily for me, I shouldn´t worry too much about them anymore. It´s weird how being in here with the mix of their medication just gives you one of the worst fevers in the world, I felt awful and being knocked out by a hard fist to the face didn´t help my situation of pain, only making it worse. If it wasn´t for Jonathan I think I would have given up the fight for a long time ago, but he´s afraid and not near me and I have a promise to keep which means they´ll have to kill me before I break that promise. Jonathan was the only person who made me keep going by now, I didn´t want to work here anymore, it´s to fucked up and when Jonathan and I escape this place, Luke can go fuck himself. My plan was to, first of all, getup, standing on my feet without falling which was hard, I felt sick and I was weak, but I had to. I leaned against the old and torn walls in the cell, trying to keep my balance as I tried to stand up. My legs wanted to give up under me, but I wouldn´t let them. _Keep going! Move!_ My common sense had taken over again, it was what kept me moving, telling me I had to get out now before Luke would come back. I slid my body against the wall as I moved slowly towards the door which I already knew was locked, but if I just trained my legs and feet a little before he would come back, maybe I had a slight chance to make a run for it.   
I had moved around the cell for what seemed like hours until the door finally opened and I was tackled by what seemed like two doctors. They held me down by my arms as I suddenly saw Luke walk in. “This is the better idea I got.” He said and smiled at me as I laid on the floor with the two doctors holding me down. “Put the straitjacket on him, he´s not too friendly to strangers,” Luke said laughingly and left the cell with his hands in his pockets. “No! Let me go! I work here too!” I yelled at them, but they wouldn´t listen to me. Luke peeked in again. “Oh, before I leave, he has a bad habit of lying. He thinks his own stories are real.” Luke said with a grin plastered across his face and then he finally left. The two men quickly got the straitjacket on me because I was too weak and sick to fight it and after they dragged me out of the cell just like I´ve seen Jonathan get dragged.

My belongings were taken from me and they dressed me in a white t-shirt and grey sweatpants like all the patients wore in here. I couldn´t see light at the end of my tunnel anymore, only darkness. On the t-shirt was a number on that said 034 just like on Jonathan´s shirt it said 013. After all these red flags went across my mind, Luke´s plan got more and more clear to me, what he wanted was to lock me up too so his secret wouldn´t get out and it was working slowly. I was too sick to do anything, I just did as they wanted, my body almost felt numb to me. As they dragged me down a hall, Luke suddenly stopped us. He was holding some papers in his hands. “Your parents have been informed, Evan. You suffer from Agoraphobia which means you´re scared of other places than your own home. And last but not least, you have mythomania which means you´re a pathological liar. You believe your own lies.” Luke said and looked down in the papers that I then noticed was signed by himself. I looked up at him with tears in my eyes because crying was the only thing I was strong enough to do. “Where is Jonathan?” I asked. He was my only concern at that moment. “Oh, he´s where he should be, in his room, as usual, acting like nothing ever happened,” Luke answered me and petted me on the head before he commanded the doctors holding me to move on. I was then moved down the hall and they suddenly stopped in front of a door with big letters on it, spelling out “EVAN”   

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, guys! I want to, first of all, say thank you for the amazing comments I´ve gotten from you! I read every single one and I appreciate them all <3 Secondly, I want to apologize for the last chapter, I had forgotten to put warnings on. (They´re on now - better late than never) I hope I haven´t offended or upset anyone, that was never my intentions.  
> Well, I hope that you´ll all still keep reading, warning or not.   
> I love you all! <3 
> 
> -Mo_Jo <3


	21. I don´t belong here

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song that fits this chapter is Bastille - Bad News

_Evan pov._

I kept having the same dream every time I would close my eyes, but it was the only thing I could right now, dream of something better. Being locked in here was hell for me, I get now why Jonathan want out of here, not only because of Luke, but also these cells are horrible to live in. The dream I kept having was about me and Jonathan, living in a beautiful and bright apartment, the exact opposite of this place. It´s also the same moment that happens, Jonathan walking over to me and sitting down beside me on the couch and then us, telling each other how lucky we feel with one another. I guess my dreams are telling me something that I´m not entirely sure of, that Jonathan and I might have something if the situation was different. I was still too unsure of my feelings, but one thing I was sure of was that he makes me feel something I´ve never felt before with anyone and I can´t just let go of that feeling, it´s too special. I could come up with reasons why we shouldn´t be together like he´s locked in here, but so am I and he´s a fucking mess, but… so am I. And last, but not least, I don´t think I´ll ever get him out of here.

Days went by just laying on the bed, staring at a crack in the ceiling and counting how many times the faucet in the sink dropped a water drop in the sink in one minute, it´s exactly 86 times by the way. I was bored in here, but one of my worst thoughts was if my parent knew where I was, Luke told me they had been informed, but I didn´t think they knew exactly the reasons. And then, of course, _the_ worst thought of mine was that Jonathan was alone and if I know Luke, he wouldn´t have told him where I was either, he would´ve probably told him I left him after this, that it might´ve been too much for me, but I have a promise that I would never break, that I would never leave him again. Much in me had already given up on getting out, that I should get used to this place and start calling it “my room” because I was now patient 034 and every hour I spend in here got me crazier, no one would believe me anymore. The little voice in my head I called my conscious had gotten bigger and angrier, almost yelling at me for not doing anything, I was beginning to lose it in here and it got me to think that maybe Jonathan wasn´t like this when he got in here, but it was how he developed over the years. I was scared that the same thing would happen to me and there would be no one to help or believe in me. I saw now how much Jonathan really needed me, by feeling this low and fucked up, you needed a friend to tell you that it´s all okay, but if you don´t get that or your so-called “caretaker” breaks your trust, will it only get worse for you. “I GET IT!!” I yelled without even thinking about it. “JONATHAN!” I yelled again and slammed my fists hard down on the concrete floor, tears were creeping their way up my eyes and then rolling down my cheeks. 

The sound of familiar voices snapped me from my tantrum. _Mom, dad?!_ I quickly got up from the floor and leaned on the door, my ear up against the metal, hoping that I could hear them talk. I could hear in the shake of my mom´s voice that she was crying and that my dad was trying to comfort her, but what I didn´t like was that they were talking to another familiar voice, Luke. He was telling them what was wrong with me and that I was mentally ill. I wanted to snap his neck right there, but that idea was impossible and I don´t really like the idea of killing people even though they deserve it. “Can´t we see him?” My mom asked still with the worried shake in her sweet and motherly voice. My heart was beating with 50 miles per hour because I wanted to see my parent so badly. I crawled away from the door and I just sat on the floor, leaning on my arms behind me, staring at the door and hoping that it would open up. It took a long time before I heard the sound of the door unlocking, I almost gave up hope and that had become an annoying new trade of mine, giving up on myself quickly. 

Finally, the door was open and my mom quickly ran to me, crouching down to my level and taking me in a big embrace and I swung my arms around her too. “I´ve missed you so much!” She said crying on my shoulder. I nodded and closed my eyes, I even began crying too. “Please, get me out!” I begged her. “I don´t belong here! I´m not sick!” I cried out to both my parent who were looking at me with worried and sad eyes. My mom looked up at Luke who stood leaning on the door frame. “Can´t we take him with us home? He says he doesn´t belong here. I´m gonna make a complaint because we didn´t agree with this! I´m taking my son home! Today!” My mom said and with anger rising in her voice, but she was right, they can´t really lock me up without them signing the paper. I got more relieved by the seconds and by the look Luke got on his face, he was terrified and he knew too, that he couldn´t hold me in here forever. I got direct eye contact with Luke and I could see he noticed that across my face was written a big and fat “Fuck you”, his facial expression was glorious, something I´ll never forget, I knew I had won this time. “Well, if you come with me, we can discuss Evan´s illness and maybe I can convince you that he´ll be better here, in good hands.” Luke tried, but my mom wouldn´t budge out of place, she wanted me home and I was grateful for that she didn´t fell for Luke´s diagnoses on me. I didn´t want to drag my parent into this mess, I had to finish it by myself, find Jonathan and get him out of here and maybe on the way out tell everybody Luke´s secret, maybe locking him up in here instead of me and Jonathan. He belongs here more than we do. “I won´t discuss this anymore! He´s coming home and that´s it!” My mom said angrily and stood up, reaching her hand out to my so that I could stand up. She took a hold of him hand and walked passed Luke like she owned the place and was the boss. You can´t do anything against a woman who has made up her mind and knows what she wants, there is no other way than her way. It was the first time ever being dragged felt good because this time it was my mom dragging me out of the cell. Small tears of joy rolled silently down my cheeks, I have never been this happy to see my parents, ever.

I looked back at Luke and his facial expression said it all. I lifted my arm and gave him the middle finger before we left. His hands clenched hard on “my papers”, he almost crinkled them by pure anger. I, on the other hand, felt the heavy weight on my shoulders lift up as I saw the exit to this place. I almost yelled out yes, but what made my heart sink was my mom´s words right as she opened the door. “I´m never letting you go back to this place!” She said and I was blinded by the warm sun that hit my face. _But I have to come back!_ I had a headache and I was exhausted, so I let my heart take over and do the talking. I thought of maybe only telling my mom about Jonathan, there was a bigger possibility that my mom would accept this than my dad, but I still had no idea how she would react to it. I suddenly saw my parent´s car and it was only then I realized that _I_ had escaped, but I missed someone by my side, someone who needs to get out too and… maybe be with me afterwards. This was also the first time that the thought of being with Jonathan outside of Oak Meadows sounded possible and… and good to me. I wanted it to happen, I needed it to happen and soon. _I´ll free you soon, I promise!_  
Once home, I rushed up to my room and basically attacking my bed, falling on it hard, but it was so soft in comparison to the bed in the cell. _Home!_ I took the shirt and the sweatpants off and took some of my own clothes on, already feeling more like myself again. I sat on my bed with the white t-shirt in my hands, looking at the number and I suddenly got an idea. I wanted to put the shirt in a frame and hang it up on a wall when I get my own apartment someday, I wanted it to be a memory and a reminder to myself that I have to keep fighting even if it looks like a losing battle. I´ve been at my lowest and I still won the fight, so that made me think of Jonathan, maybe he wants to hang his shirt up too when he gets out, I would look awesome to have our shirt hanging in frames besides each other. I was nice to finally think about my future that to just lay on a bed and think about what could´ve been and what I´ve done wrong, now I thought about new possibilities and what could be if I make things right again.

I took my phone out of my pocket and I saw that I had really many missed calls from both my parents, but also Brock. _Brock wasn´t notified?!_ I wanted to call him back, but something in me told me that he wouldn´t believe me and also if he checked the register for my name, all the diagnoses Luke put on me would come up and then he would never believe a word I say. I had to come up with a good lie to convince him why I didn´t come to work or call him back. It annoyed me so much that I had to lie to Brock because Luke called me a mythomania which I´m not! I didn´t want to lie anymore, but I had to.  


	22. My mission

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song that fits this chapter is Twenty one pilots - Anathema

_Evan pov._

It was dark out and inside our house. My parents were both sleeping, since it was around 3 am in the morning, but I was still sitting on the couch in our living room, staring at my phone which laid on the coffee table right in front of me. I wanted to open it and call Brock, I wanted to open it and look at the picture of Jonathan, but I knew nothing good would come out of it. It would only open a wound that wasn´t healed yet, it hasn´t had the time or reason to heal and it hurt like hell inside of me. It was good to be home, believe me when I say that, but when I was locked up the only good thing about not being home was that I was still close to Jonathan, or at least in the same building. I had been home for one week already and I haven´t called or talked to anyone other than my mom, I felt like she was the only one that understood me even though I haven´t told her the whole story yet, which I wanted too, but I couldn´t make myself open up to her that way, I didn´t want to look weak or scared, so I hid up inside my room when I felt like that. Anxiety attacks had become a regular thing, so I basically hid from my parents most of the day, I was almost only out after they´ve gone to sleep.

My parents didn´t know I was still up this late, not until my mom woke up and went out to the kitchen to get a glass of water and then she noticed me. “What are you doing up this late?” She asked me as she walked closer to me still with sleep filled eyes. “I… I couldn´t… I mean, I can´t sleep, mom. I haven´t been able to sleep in days.” I explained to her, but she blinked a couple of times in confusion. “I thought you slept when you´re in your room?” She said and gave me her worried motherly look which gave me a lump in my throat that was hard to swallow, it indicated that it was time to tell her everything and so I did. “No, I´ve been having anxiety attacks and a lot of them. I´m sorry, but I felt the need to hide when they happened.” I said with a shake in my voice, but I didn´t want to cry because I knew I needed the strength to tell her much worse things than this, but she took her hand up to her mouth and I could see she wanted to cry. “The reason for these anxiety attacks and why I haven´t slept is because of him,” I said and opened my phone, showing her the picture of Jonathan, but she furrowed her eyebrows, still not understanding why. “He´s the reason, mom!” I almost cried out and I couldn´t hold the tears back anymore, I let them free. She took the phone out of my hands and stared at the picture for a while before she said something. “He´s a patient.” She said, not taking her eyes off the screen and I nodded while I tried to dry my tears away with my sleeve. After answering small yes and no questions for about an hour her eyes finally went from worried to relieved and a little smile formed on her lips. “Do you like him? You must since he makes you feel like this.” She said and stood up to sit down beside me, laying her arms around me, so I laid my head on her shoulder. “Honestly, I have no idea yet, but one thing I´m sure of is that I need to save him,” I said with a sniffle and dried the last tear away, but my mom gave me a weird look. “Save him?” She asked and I knew what was coming. “He´s in there for a reason, honey. You can´t just go back and take him with you, what did you expect?” She said, but not with anger, more with a slightly disappointed tone. She was not disappointed in me, it sounded more like that she wanted him out too, but she knew it wasn´t going to happen. “I expect you to trust me and have an open mind because I have a feeling that things are about to change and I don´t know if it´s for the better or worse, I can only hope at this point,” I said, waiting for a response from her. She took my face in her hands and kissed me on the forehead. “I´ve always trusted you and that won´t change, ever.”

The sun was almost up when my mom left me to go back to sleep, she still had to get up to work in a couple of hours, so she needed all the sleep she could get. I loved that she was so understanding, but the strength to tell her everything never came to me and it was okay, for now. I decided to not call Brock, but instead just show up like nothing had happened and act like that as well, so hopefully, he won´t get suspicious. When my parents left for work, that was the right time for me to sneak out and back to work. I didn´t tell my mom that I would do it today, she had no need to worry about me, so that was best left unsaid, for now. The only one and the only thing I had on my mind was Jonathan and seeing him again after being apart for over 2 weeks. _I hope he´s not fallen into a dark pit in his mind._ I could only imagine that Luke didn´t tell Jonathan where I was, so he might think that I left him, all to Luke´s advantages. What pissed me off the most was that no one could take care of Jonathan properly, but I couldn´t expect that from the others, he´s been treated poorly his whole life and it was only when I started he began to smile and be himself. My colleagues had even told me that they were not afraid of going into his room anymore when they were on night shifts, all because of me and because I´m patient, I want him to get better and ready to live a life outside of that place, maybe with me, but I don´t know yet. He has so many flaws and I don´t know if I can fix them all, but I´ve always thought that you can´t be a real person or human if you don´t have any flaws and something wrong with you, no one is perfect and that is not what I want Jonathan to be, I just want him to feel accepted and… loved. Everyone deserves to feel that way.

I got up and took my jacket and shoes on, ready to head out and back to work. As I got outside, I locked the door behind me, closing my eyes and taking a deep breath in and slowly blowing it out through my nose. The bus drive over there was like I expected, it felt longer than normal, but I knew why I was nervous as hell. I got inside the building and walked the long walk of shame to the closed ward, it felt like the walk of shame to me because of the stares people would give me, but I tried to ignore them as much as I could, but it was hard because to them I was known as Evan the unstable liar. It was a name I wanted almost more than anything else to prove wrong, it was one of the few missions I had in my life right now, but the biggest one was without a doubt to get Jonathan out. I knew I could only be truly happy if Jonathan was and I knew that he would only be happy if he wasn´t in here.

I got to the door to “Lunatic Street” and opened the door, but when I got to the workers register to check in and out, I decided not to check in because of the thought that Luke might check it and come for me or Jonathan. I paced down the hall, passed the break room and Brock´s office, I didn´t want to talk to anyone and explain myself. The lump in my throat and the knot in my stomach began to hurt as I got closer to Jonathan´s door, my hands were sweaty and the fear was rising in me, the fear that Jonathan believed in Luke that I had left him. Hopefully, no one had noticed me when I slid my keycard on the lock pad to Jonathan´s door. I opened it and got inside and locking it behind me just as fast as I got in. I turned around and looked around his room and I felt a blow to my stomach. It was filthy and trashed, old trays of food stood on the floor, untouched and dirty clothes laid all over the place. _Why does nobody take care of him!?_ I was seriously pissed off at the others for letting his room get like this, but I guess he was in that state again where they´re scared of him. Suddenly I heard a little familiar sob and it came from under his bed. _Is he hiding?_ “Jonathan?” I called out and crouched down in front of his bed. The light couldn´t reach down there, so it was almost pitch black under there, but I was met by the blue sparkle of his eyes and it formed a little smile on my lips by seeing them again. “It´s me, Evan,” I told him and he blinked a couple of times in confusing. “Ev…?” He said with a very low voice. He reached his hand out to me and I slowly laid mine on it and as I expected, his skin was cold as ice. “You left me… Just like everyone else does…” He said in a heart-breaking voice and it was tearing me apart because my theory was true, Luke had told him I was gone. “I would never leave you! I promised you that.” I told him and he took his hand back to himself, my skin immediately missing the feeling of his touch. “Please, come out to me,” I begged of him. “I´ve missed you so much, more than you can imagine,” I told him, but I knew he could easily imagine it because he needed me more than anyone else and maybe more than I needed him.

He began to slowly move from under the bed, his pale skin becoming visible to me as he crawled out and as I thought, he was only in his underwear, as always when something had happened to him. I helped him the rest of the way up and onto his bed. He felt so fragile in my hands, so much that I was afraid of breaking him by my touch. I got up on his bed and sat in the same corner as I always did and I lifted him up into my arms, pulling the cover over us. He grabbed onto me like we´ve been apart for years, but it only felt like it. “You´re the first one to come back for me.” He said almost asleep on my chest. It warmed my heart that he would think of me that way, the first to come back for him, I was his first to many things and there were more things that I wanted to be his first too, but some of them I knew he could never get back his first time. _Why are you thinking about that?! What is wrong with you!_ I cursed at myself inside my head, but I didn´t listen because as soon as I was near Jonathan, my heart took over and I stopped listening to my thoughts, they were useless to me when Jonathan was around me.

Jonathan moved his hand up under my shirt and slid his fingers over my skin and up to my chest. “I´ve missed your warmth, I´ve missed the safety, I´ve missed your touch, I´ve missed this feeling, I´ve missed your voice, but most of all, I´ve missed you.” Jonathan suddenly said with his hand firmly placed on my chest and I felt small tears in the corner of my eyes, so I kissed him on top of his head to let him know that I´m here for him.   


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, guys! I am sorry to tell you that I´m gonna take a small break from writing and uploading since I have a lot of school stress going on. I promise you it won´t be a long break, it won´t be longer than a week.  
> I hope you understand and that you´ll be back to read some more when my exams are over <3 
> 
> I love you all! <3  
> -Mo_Jo


	23. Don´t stop me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song that fits this chapter is Lostboycrow - Real name

_Evan pov._

“Evan?” Jonathan whispered out and pushed me gently. I woke up with a pain in my neck and back from sitting up and sleeping in that corner, but at least Jonathan was still with me, between my legs to be exact. He used to sleep like that when I was on my night shifts. I would sit in the corner and Jonathan would lay between my legs, with his head on my stomach, but after some time his head would slowly slide down and lay on my crotch when I woke. I don´t know if it was himself that moved or if it was because he slept, but honestly, I didn´t care that much, well not before today. I sat up straight and tried to stretch my back out, but I was met by a weird smirk on Jonathan´s lips. He had his head in his hands and looked up at me with that smirk which confused me. “What?” I asked as he kept his eyes on me, but he bit his lip and looked down and then I noticed it. “Have you been having sweet dreams, Evan? Maybe about me, if I may ask?” He asked and laughed a little, but I was embarrassed and my face was flushed all red. My pants were tight, my underwear tighter and it didn´t help my “problem” that Jonathan´s face was right above it, so close to my crotch. He placed his hand on my inner thigh and my heart shot up in my throat, my body tensed up too. “What´s wrong? There is nothing wrong with having a hard-on, I have that too all the time when you´re around, but you never seem to notice it.” He said jokingly, making me feel a little more relaxed about it all and that was exactly what I liked about Jonathan, he made me feel like myself, he makes me feel relaxed. “So, my question is now, what are you gonna do about it?” He asked and gave me a lustful look. I knew exactly what he wanted, but I had no idea myself.   
“To answer your first question, yes, I was dreaming about you,” I said sweetly and he gave me a bright crooked smile, the one I want to wake up to every day. “I don´t think anyone has ever said something so sweet to me without it being disgusting afterwards,” Jonathan said and laughed and his eyes shined like never before. “Well, you really know how to turn something from good to weird quickly,” I said and we both laughed as he nodded at my comment. The room grew silent, but our eyes never left each other’s, it was peaceful, something that we had needed for a long time because no one knew I was in here with Jonathan and this time we knew we wouldn´t get interrupted.

Jonathan crawled closer to me, our lips inches away, so I leaned in closer to connect them once again. It was light and sweet kisses at first, but as time went they turned rougher more licking, more saliva hanging from my chin, but I didn´t mind. He slid down and sucked it off my chin and went further down to my neck and began kissing it on my good spot that made my whole body tingle with pleasure. He leaned away from me and I opened my eyes only to be met by icy blue ones. He took a hold of my leg and pulled so that I slid down the corner and onto my back. Jonathan crawled on top of me, laying down and supporting himself on his elbows. He started to attack my neck again with kisses and small bites on my skin. I was breathing heavily and I didn´t even notice Jonathan´s hand before it was too late. He was unzipping my pants and pulling them down, but I didn´t want to stop him, I just told myself that it was too late to stop it, so I let him. “Evan, please tell me if you want me to stop.” Jonathan moaned out in the curve of my neck and his hot breath hit my skin and gave me goosebumps. “I don´t want you to stop.” I moaned out too as he kissed my jaw line and moved up to my mouth. “Good.” He said and kissed me deeply. He then moved his hand up under my shirt, telling me to take it off and so I did. We were both just in our boxers under the covers, him on top of me which didn´t feel weird to me. Our hands were all over each other and it felt so good, I didn´t want this to stop, so I was happy that no one knew I was here and that nobody dared to go into Jonathan´s room anymore. “Tell me what you want then?” Jonathan asked seductively in the kiss, moaning in my mouth, but I knew I did the same. I pulled away a little to catch my breath. “I´m not ready to go all the way, not yet, but other than that, I´ll let you decide to do what you want,” I told him and he smiled looking down at me. “Well, then close your eyes.” He said and gave me a playful look before I closed my eyes. I felt him kissing and licking his way down my chest to my stomach and by that, I knew where he was going with his mouth. He slid his fingers around the edge to my boxers and pulled down slowly. The cold air hit me and made me twitch which I also did under his touch. I was breathing faster by the seconds as my underwear slid down my legs and finally, they were completely off. _You can´t do this! You´re going too far! Stop!_ Again, I was yelling at myself for letting him do this, but I wanted it right now, more than anything else, I simply couldn´t fight it anymore, so I let go.

“If you want you can open your eyes and look down,” Jonathan said still with that lustful tone in his voice. I opened my eyes and looked and I almost lost my breath by the sight.He bit his lip as our eyes met and my head flew back, but I quickly got back up to look at him because there was something about that sight of him, so close to my cock that I just loved. He the stuck his tongue out and began licking around the head and in the slit, that was dripping with precum. I couldn´t keep my head up anymore to look at him, so instead, I moved my hands down and up in his messy hair, pulling lightly on it. I had never felt such an amazing feeling in my whole body before, it was incredible, he was incredible. Not long after he had moved his lips closer and had the tip in his mouth. My toes were curling and my body was tense. I began pulling more in his hair and it paid off because he moved slowly down and finally, he was almost down to the base. Part of me was impressed, but that was not what I was thinking mostly about, my mind was a different place than his skills, I was thinking about what else he could do, or rather what _we_ could do. _Look at him!_ I raise my head again and I almost choked in my own moans. His eyes were closed and he bobbed his head up and down in a steady rhythm, not too fast and not too slow. His tongue and his mouth were like pure magic, it felt so good and he looked so hot down there too.

I was getting closer and closer to the edge of cumming, but so was he because he had sneaked his own hand down to jerk himself off and the moans and noises he made sent vibrations through me. “J-Jonathan, I-I´m so c-close!” I stuttered out in between groans. “F-faster, please!” I stuttered a little louder and he began moving up and down quicker. My breathing was getting fast and my eyes flung open, my grip on his hair got harder as I came in his mouth, but I felt something on my leg too. He got up and licked his lips seductively, but he couldn´t keep a straight face and he began laughing, but so did I. I raised myself and sat up so that I could get a good look of what hit my leg. “Sorry, I didn´t mean to cum on your leg.” He said laughing at the sight. “Don´t worry, I´ll clean it off.” He said and leaned down to lick it off me. And right at this moment, I knew that I needed him by my side forever, we had made a bond so strong that nobody could break it, not even Luke, he wouldn´t stand a chance. I had finally figured out my own feelings towards him, I wasn´t ready to tell him yet, but the important thing was that I was sure of how I felt and no one could ever change that. I looked directly into his eyes and I grabbed his face quickly in my hands and kissed him hard. I pulled away and smiled, but he looked confused at me. “What was that for?” He asked me and gave me his crooked smile. “It´s a thank you,” I said and smiled, but he still ad that confused look on his face. “Thank you for what?” He asked laughingly. “For making me feel something I never thought I would and for trusting me,” I said with a relieving sigh and a smile following up after. “I´m not used to people thanking me, so I guess I wanna say thank you too.” He said and got up from the bed, starting to dress himself. I sat up and pulled my boxers on and my shirt too. I looked at him as he dressed himself and I began to notice that the way I´m looking at him was different than before. The difference was that now every part of me was in on this, every part of me wanted him, I had finally convinced my mind that I needed him too, I finally understood everything, every feeling I´ve ever felt when I have been with him.

He suddenly turned around and looked at me staring at him. “See something you like?” He asked cockily with a smirk on his lips. “Well, actually I do,” I said and bit my lip. I felt like I could finally say whatever I wanted, I wasn´t being controlled by my own thoughts about how wrong all of this is anymore, I finally felt free. Now I just needed Jonathan to feel the same, feel free with me.        

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And yes guy I´m back again and here with a hot new chapter for you!


	24. Much needed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song that fits this chapter is Jon Bellion - All time low

_Evan pov._

I sat on the edge of his bed and looked down at my phone which laid in my lap, turned off. Jonathan walked over and sat down beside me. “Can I have a look at it?” He asked and pointed to my phone. I looked up at him confused. “Well, yes, but why?” I asked him, but he grabbed it and tried to look for an on button on it. it looked funny as hell to me by how confused he was about “new” technology. “How do you turn this shit on?” He asked annoyed and gave it back to me. I laughed a little at his annoyed facial expression which looked rather cute to me. “You just hold in on this button,” I said and showed him as the screen turned white in my hands. I gave it back to him and I was amused by the way he scrolled through some of the apps because he had no idea what some of them was until he found something that looked familiar to him, the camera. He held my phone up. “Can´t you turn the camera?” He asked and I clicked on the icon that turns the camera. What confused me was that he got surprised by the sight of himself. He began turning his face to the sides, blinking a lot, but worst of all he didn´t look satisfied with the person who looked back at him in my phone. He took his hand up to his cheek and ran a finger over one of the scars, but his smile from before had faded away and his eyes had stopped to shine with happiness.

I placed my hand on his shoulder, but he didn´t look at me. “What´s wrong?” I asked him with concern in my voice. He kept his attention on his own reflection. “I haven´t seen myself in years. I had no idea I looked like… this…” He hesitated on the last word and sighed out heavily which I didn´t like at all. “You don´t like what´s staring back at you, right?” I asked, but I already knew the answer, but he didn´t answer me, instead, he just turned my phone off and gave it back to me without saying a word. He leaned his head on my shoulder and sighed. “How can you kiss someone that looks so… damaged?” He asked me and raised his head again to look at me. His intense ice blue eyes met mine as I tried to figure out my answer. “Because… When I´m with you I… I forget all about the past and-and I forget about appearance and looks, it´s not what matters the most to me!” I tried to explain to him, but by the look on his face, I knew that he still didn´t understand why or how. He fell backwards on the bed and took his arms behind his head. “I´m a mess and I look that way too, but you know that.” He said and looked over at me. I laid down too beside him and looked up at the ceiling. “Yes, I know, but I am too,” I said and nudged him in the side with my elbow and laughed a little. I felt good inside when a smile formed on his lips again. “It´s alright not to love yourself, it doesn´t mean you can´t love someone else,” I explained and turned my head his way and he did the same. I held my hand up in between us and raised my pinky finger to him. “I´m gonna get you out, I promise, but I need your help too,” I said silently and he took his hand up too so that we made a pinky promise because you can´t break those kinds.

“Kiss on it too?” Jonathan asked, but I got distracted by a noise coming from outside his door. I had totally lost track of time by being in here so long. Craig and Bryce´s night shift had begun and they were going around with the food to all the others. “Well, we both have to get out of here. Do they even know you´re here?” Jonathan asked and I shook my head at him. He sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose when he realized that we were both locked in here. I don´t think I´ve ever seen him think this hard over something as he paced back and forth in the room while I just sat on his bed, staring at him. I hated not to be in control of things and that was exactly how I felt, but Jonathan seemed to have come up with some sort of a plan. “When we can´t hear them, we sneak out and head to the showers because there are no surveillance cameras there.” He explained to me with a serious tone. Much of me didn´t want to leave the safety of his room, but other parts of me told me that this could be the day, the day we would leave this place for good.

We sat still by his door and listened for about an hour before we were sure that Craig and Bryce were done with passing the food out to the others. I swiped my keycard on the lock pad and opened the door slowly while peeking out. Bryce and Craig were hopefully in the breakroom, so we could sneak out without being seen. I looked back at Jonathan who sat crouched behind me, smiling his crooked smile. “It´s go time,” I said and winked at him before we left his room and closed the door behind us. _Is this really happening?_ I kept asking myself if this was real and if this really was the day to leave all of this behind us? I really hoped so. We tiptoed down the hall and then came to the breakroom which we had to get passed without being seen. I peeked around the door to look where they were and luckily, they both sat on the couch talking to each other, not noticing if anyone would walk passed the door. I motioned Jonathan to follow close to me. The next room that would come up on our left was Brock´s office and I told Jonathan that I needed to do a quick stop in there before we left the closed ward.

I walked in there and left Jonathan outside to be the lookout. I looked through some of Brock´s drawers and finally found what I was looking for. I walked out to Jonathan who had a weird look on his face. “What the fuck was so important?” He whispered a bit angrily. I took my hand up and moved a keycard teasingly in front of his face. “I thought that you would like one of these too,” I whispered mockingly and his eyes widened with eagerness to get his fingers on it. I slid the keycard down into his back pocket and kept my hand a little longer before I gave his ass a tight squeeze. The look of surprise on his face and the red blush on his cheeks amused me, so I winked before turning around to unlock the main door to the closed ward. The door unlocked and we both pushed it open. I looked up and saw the sign to the showers pointing to the left, so that was the way we were headed.

Finally, we were by the door to the showers. “Will you have the honor?” I said and motioned Jonathan to open it with his new keycard. As I heard the sound of the door unlocking, Jonathan grabbed my wrist tightly and dragged me inside, closing the door behind us. With one swift movement, I had my back against a wall and Jonathan in front of me, holding my arms above my head. He smashed his lips against mine and kissed me deeply, it was like pure bliss every time I felt his lips on mine. The air in here was very humid and foggy like if the showers had just been used. He let go of my arms and moved away from me to catch his breath again. I slid down the wet wall and sat down, looking up at him. “So, what now?” I asked him as he walked around the room. “Well, there were two reasons to why we had to go to the showers, first, there are no cameras and second, I haven´t showered in a week I think.” He said laughingly and began pulling his shirt off over his head. He turned his back to me and his pants slid down his legs together with his underwear. I just sat there, staring at him like a creep, but truth be told, I was actually mesmerized by how he moved around. A slight sway in his hips from side to side when he walked and his slightly toned back that moved in sync with him. He turned his head my way. “See something you like?” He asked his favorite question by far, but I was too gone in his body that I didn´t hear him, I just sat with my legs crossed and with my head leaning in my hands. I don´t think I´ve ever looked at anybody like the way I looked at him. He laughed at me and walked over to one of the showers to turn them on. He jumped away fast with a little girly scream as ice cold water hit his naked body and by that, I was snapped from my haze. He looked at me and I busted out laughing at his reaction. “Stop laughing! I got shocked because it´s fucking cold!” He yelled at me pissed off, but his expression quickly turned has I could tell he got an idea that I knew I wouldn´t like.

He took the shower head off and turned it towards me, a playful grin formed across his face. “I won´t shoot you if you get in with me!” He said playfully and since I only had this set of clothes I didn´t want to get it want and especially not with that cold water. I stood up and slowly walked towards him while unbuckling my belt. We kept our eyes on each other and he kept the shower head pointed at me. He bit his lip as I pulled my shirt off and slid my pants down, all of this surprised me since I´ve never been this confident with anyone and if you had asked me a few months back if I could see myself doing stuff like this I would have called you crazy. Now I was standing only in my underwear, but Jonathan didn´t look satisfied, not until they were off too and so I began pulling them down too slowly. We were both standing in a shower stall, with a wall between us that covered only half of us. He faced the shower head down and turned the water on, waiting for it to get warm while I kept looking at him with puppy dog eyes.

He placed it back on the wall behind him and let the warm water run down his body, closing his eyes. While he had his eyes closed I sneaked out of the stall I was in and into his, standing right in front of him without him noticing me, not before I placed my hand on his chest and walked closer to him. When the water hit me, my body tensed up, but at least I didn´t have my negative thoughts about all of this anymore, they were gone just like my confusion about my feelings. He gently glided his hand down my body and placed it on my waist, smoothly pulling me closer to him. I moved my hands up and onto his back, hugging him close to me because a hug was what I needed right now and I could feel that it was something he had missed too. His head laid heavy in the curve of my neck and suddenly I could feel that he let some much needed tears loose that rolled down onto my shoulder and they were just as warm as the shower.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the late updates, but it takes time to write these chapters, so I hope you understand <3


	25. Memorable moments

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song that fits this chapter is Oh Wonder - Lose it (Jerry Folk Remix)

_Evan pov._

We just sat in the shower stall, talking for what seemed like hours, about all sort of stuff, we even played 20 questions. “Okay, my turn!” Jonathan said with eagerness in his voice and I gave him a nod. “Have you ever jerked off to the thought of me?” He said with all seriousness in both his eyes and tone, but I looked at him with a red face and wide eyes, not knowing how to answer because the truth is no, but I would feel like an asshole if I said that. “Well, no, not exactly, but let me say this instead, I´ve more than anything else just thought of you and me together when we´re out of here,” I said sweetly to him and his eyes shined brightly, telling me I said the right thing. “Okay, have you ever done it to the thought of me?” I asked and without much hesitation, Jonathan spoke up in a loud voice. “Hell yes! Almost every time you´re not here and I´m alone!” He said making me laugh because he sounded so proud of it. “Don´t laugh! There is not much else you can do to pass the time in here.” He said and couldn´t hold back the laughs either.

I leaned my back on the wet tiles behind us, the warm water was still running slowly down on us. I looked over at Jonathan who was trying his hardest to style his wet hair into a mohawk, even though his hair was too short he still tried with all his might. The sweetest thing was that when he was concentrated on something, he would stick his tongue out to the side and squinch his eyes a little, I could just sit here and look at him all night, but we had important things to do, that we obviously get distracted from easily. I stretched my arm out and ran my hand over the top of Jonathan´s head, making his hair all flat. “Fuck off!” He said annoyed swatting my hand away, but I couldn´t help but laugh at him.

I got up from the floor and stretched out my back. I walked over to some cabinets that had towels in them, but just as I had wrapped one around my waist, I heard Jonathan call for me. “God damn it, help me!” Jonathan called out. I walked over to the shower stall again and what I saw was hilarious. He laid on the floor with his finger stuck in the drain, trying to pull it out. I crouched down to his level, drying my tears of laughter away. “Why the fuck would you ever stick your finger in that?” I asked him, but he just gave me an annoyed look, but the annoyed look quickly faded and turned into a wide smile. “You know me, too curious for my own good.” He said and laughed. He suddenly pulled hard and the grid came off, but it was still attached to his finger. “Well, so far so good.” He said and looked at it, turning it to the sides, wiggling his finger with it on. We both got up and I handed him a towel, but for some reason, he refused to wrap it around himself. I didn´t want to force him to do anything, so instead, I looked around for some soap that might help him get his finger out. This was a part I liked really much about Jonathan, his childish side, the one that gets into trouble and makes fun of others, just fooling around being himself for once. I finally found some soap that I quickly began to pour out all over his hand and luckily the grid slid off his finger and he was free. “Thank the Lord! I thought that thing was gonna be stuck forever!” He said with a relieved tone in his voice, but all of a sudden, he began giggling to himself. “What´s so funny?” I asked him curiously. “I just thought of something funny.” He answered still giggling. “Yeah, obviously! Tell me!” I pleaded because I wanted to be part of his fun. “I just thought that if the grid never came off that I would like to punch that fuck boy McGee Luke with it.” He said and couldn´t hold back his beautiful laugh that was like music to my ears. We really knew how to make each other laugh till we cried or almost peed ourselves.

I tried to hand him the towel again for him to dry himself, but he still refused. “Why? Just take it.” I said, but he crossed his arms and looked at me, drops of water ran down his skin. “I like to be naked, I feel free and it´s even better now that I´m with you.” He said with a crooked smirk on his lips. “Why do you want me to cover up? Don´t you like what you see?” He asked playfully and strike a pose with his hands on his hips. I walked over to him and wrapped the towel around his waist. “Well, yes I do, but right now is not the best time to be naked, but I promise you that you can feel free all you want once we´re out of here and have our own place,” I assured him with a smile, but his eyes widened which confused me because he looked surprised by my words. “Our… own place?” He asked me, stuttering on his words. “Yes, I´ve realized that… I… I don´t think I can live without you and I have saved enough money to get us an apartment, but now that we talk about it, I haven´t even asked you if that´s what you want once we´re out?” I said with hope in my voice that he wanted the same, but something told me that he had other things on his mind which scared me to the fucking bone.

He didn´t answer me, so I thought that if maybe I told him about my returning dream that he might like my idea more. I pulled him over to a bench that stood by a wall and we sat down, I took his hand in mine and looked directly into his eyes, telling him about the dream. His eyes lit up and his smile returned which calmed some of my nerves. He then suddenly cut me off. “Can I get a dog then? Because all my life I´ve wanted a dog!” He said and I smiled at him and nodded. “Of course, we´ll get a dog and you´re deciding what to call it,” I assured him and he looked so excited like a little child, but it was understandable, he´d wanted a dog all his life and finally, he got the chance to get one. “You´ll make a great father,” I said but he froze up which made me stiffen up too. _Why the fuck would you say that!_ “What?!” Jonathan asked nervously, but I was fast to answer back. “For the dog, I mean, you´ll be so great at taking care of him,” I said and swallowed the lump in my throat. “Sure, thank you.” He said and the smile of excitement returned. Truth be told, I have thought of kids, but the thought of us getting kids only crossed my mind once and that was exactly at that moment. I know my mom thought of grandkids a lot, but she´ll have to wait because I´m not ready at all. When we get out of here I´m gonna learn to take care of another person for the first time, I have some experience from working here, but it´ll be a whole ´nother story because this time it´ll be a 24/7 job, at least I know have to care for Jonathan like I know what he likes and what he doesn´t, I am probably the person that knows the most about him and I swear his story will be with me, protected forever, in my heart and in my mind.   
This has probably been the best day I´ve ever had with him, I´ll cherish moments like these forever and remember them till the day I die and when I look at Jonathan I can see that he will too, that this is something he´ll keep with him and remember this too. I got up from the bench and went over to the cabinet to get an extra towel for my hair, that was until I suddenly felt a sharp pain in my lower back and then a laugh following up after. I turned around quickly and my eyes landed on a naked Jonathan with a wet towel in his hands. “Did you just fucking whip me?!” I asked with a harsh tone because it hurt like hell. “I was aiming for your ass, but yes, yes I did.” He said with no remorse and with his crooked smile on his lips that I couldn´t stay mad at for more than a minute. “I´ll get you back! Not today, but someday you won´t expect, you´ll never see it coming, I swear!” I said with a warning and a smirk. Jonathan raised his hands. “Uh, now I´m scared.” He said sarcastically and smiled.

My hair was finally dry, so I went over to my clothes and began to get dressed and so did Jonathan, but his hair was still dripping. I had gotten my shirt and pants on when I looked over at Jonathan who hadn´t gotten any further, only wearing his pants. He sat on the floor with his head in his hands and just started at the tiles on the floor. I walked over to him and sat down beside him, wrapping my arm around him. “Why aren´t you getting dressed?” I asked him with concern and he turned his face to me, his eyes had that spark of sadness that I didn´t like. “What´s wrong?” I asked again. “I don´t know if I´m ready, Evan.” He said in a low voice and looked down at the ground again. “Ready for what? Escaping?” I questioned him and I was getting more and more terrified that he might chicken out on me, but I kinda get it, I would be scared too. Escaping to a new “world” from what you been used to for 14 years is a lot and I know he´s scared of not fitting in, but I´ll have to convince him that it´s for the best that he gets out and that I´ll teach him how to behave with others, I´ll even show him to my parents and I know my mom will love and care for him as much as I do and will.   



	26. Mind on the mission

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song that fits this chapter Yuna - Lullabies (Adventure Club Remix)

“EVAN! HELP ME!” I woke abruptly to Jonathan´s ear piercing screams for help, but he was nowhere to be seen as I looked around. I had hoped that he was still laying snuggled up beside me because that was the last thing I could remember he was. I got up quickly and ran over to where the door out of the showers should be, but it was gone too, no way out. I heard his screams echo through the room and my heart was bleeding, I had to get out, now. _What if Luke found us and took him?!_ I was thinking the worst possible scenarios, but I had no idea if any of this was real or just happening in my head. His screams were getting louder and suddenly they sounded like they were inside my head. I took my hands up to cover my ears and I fell to the floor in pain. I felt weak and useless, I couldn´t do a damn thing than to lay on the floor, listening to Jonathans cries for me to help him. I looked up from where I was laying and noticed the lights had turned off, so I was in complete darkness. I couldn´t take it anymore. “SHUT UP!” I yelled out in the room, hoping someone would hear me.

“Evan? Wake up!” I opened my eyes to find Jonathan sitting crouched in front of me, shaking me lightly. I blinked a couple of times and looked around and my eyes landed on the door, feeling instant relief that it was still there and not gone. “You were having a nightmare, I think.” He explained to me and began caressing my arm. “You were mumbling my name which I found cute, to begin with, but when you began almost yelling “shut up” I felt the need to wake you because you looked like you were in pain, so are you okay?” Jonathan asked and I nodded as I tried to sit upright. “How long was I out?” I asked him since I had no intention of falling asleep, to begin with, we needed to get out while it was still dark outside. “Not that long, maybe 15 minutes I guess,” Jonathan said and stood up again, I, on the other hand, felt the need to lay down, but there was no time for that now.

Jonathan reached his hand out to me, so I could get up from the floor. I grabbed it and he pulled me up on my feet, our faces inches from each other. A smile formed on his lips when I placed my hand on his cheek. “What are you thinking about?” Jonathan asked in a low voice which made me smile. “How much I want to get out with you,” I answered him and my words made him pull me into a tight hug. “Me too.” He said in a voice that sounded like he was about to cry, but he was strong, so he held his tears in until we would have more time. I look forward to the future where we´ll have all the time in the world, to talk, cry, laugh and… love… But there isn´t time for any of that now, we had to keep our mind together and think straight, find a way out and just run for it. I pulled away from the hug and Jonathan looked at me like I had done something wrong. I placed my hands on his shoulders and looked directly into his blue eyes. “Keep your mind on the mission,” I told him in a commanding tone and he nodded his head fast. “Yes, sir!” He said with a smirk which made me chuckle. I took a step back and looked at him. “But first, get some more clothes on,” I told him and he began laughing, looking down at himself. “What are you talking about? I would be all over the news! Just imagine the title! “Mentally unstable 30-year-old man escapes the asylum, only wearing underwear!” I would be famous!” Jonathan said and made hand gestures, but I was surprised and confused by something he mentioned in his “title”. Jonathan noticed my weird facial expression and turned to me. “What? Is it too much?” He asked and I turned to face him. “No, it´s not that, it´s just you said 30-year-old? Are you 30!?” I asked him in surprise and he looked shocked at me like I should have known. He was 5 years older than me, but he acted like a child much younger than me, but I couldn´t blame him, he hasn´t had a normal childhood.

“I think I am 30, but I thought you knew like I told you I´ve been in here for 14 years! I thought you would have figured out my age by now.” He said giggling. “I guess I didn´t think about that,” I said and scratched the back of my head while looking at the floor. “Look, Evan, enough with this bullshit, I don´t care if I´m older or younger because you said it yourself, keep your mind on the mission,” Jonathan said and padded my shoulder before he began looking around for any kind of escape routes. I just stood there and stared at him while he paced back and forth in the room, until he finally stopped in the middle of the room, looking up at the ceiling. He looked at me and then pointed up to what he had spotted. I turned my face the direction of his pointing and saw it, a vent big enough to fit a person through it.

I walked closer to the vent, keeping my eyes on it, when suddenly I felt Jonathan´s arms around my waist, trying to lift me up to it. “You have to lift lower,” I said and he did what I told him because his arms moved from my waist to my thighs, his head resting on my butt. “So soft,” Jonathan said chuckling which made me roll my eyes and laugh too. “Mind on the mission!” I said loudly as I began stretching my arms to get to the vent. “Yeah, yeah, just get the damn thing open, you´re heavy and the only workout I´ve done has been with my right arm!” Jonathan grunted out from below me but his last comment almost made us lose our balance. “Always with the sexual undertones,” I said while struggling to get the grid of the vent. “I guess I´m a very sexual person.” He said and I could almost imagine his smirking face has he said it, he made it very hard for me to concentrate.

Finally, the grid came off and it almost hit Jonathan on the way down from the ceiling. “Sorry!” I said looking down at him. “Just get us out.” He said in a slightly angry tone, but it went away when I began pulling myself up into the ventilation. There wasn´t much space up there, but just enough for the both of us to crawl around in. I got myself turned around and laid on my stomach with my arms hanging out for Jonathan to grab. “Are you sure you can lift me up?” He asked nervously looking up at me. “Yes, because unlike you, I´ve been working out with both my arms,” I said and earned a bright smile from him while he laughed at my comment. Jonathan began taking some steps back so that he could get a good jump to grab my arms. “Ready?” Jonathan asked and I nodded. He took off in a run towards my arms and jumped at the last second making me grab his wrists and he grabbed mine. I looked down at him and smiled as I began pulling him up with all my might. “You´re heavy too,” I grunted out while pulling. He finally got his foot up, so he could get up the rest of the way by himself, but I kept holding on to him nonetheless. 

I let go of him once he was fully up. I leaned down and laid on my back, breathing out heavily and so did he. I reached my arm up and received a well-deserved high five from him. “Thank you.” He said and smiled at me. I turned around so that I laid on my stomach, getting up on all fours. “Follow me,” I told him while looking back at him. “What did I do to deserve such a view?” He said while biting his bottom lip, staring at my ass. “Shut up and remember what I said, mind-“ “-on the mission! I get it!” He said cutting me off. I turned my face forward and began crawling that way, listening to Jonathan´s light shuffles behind me. The silence in the vent was calming me, I wouldn´t want to hear people talking beneath us.

Suddenly I felt a breeze on my skin and light at the end of the tunnel. Jonathan´s words echoed through the vent. “Today is the day!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! I´m back! sorry for the long wait, but I´m on summer vacation, so you have to get used to there being a long wait between chapters (sorry). I´ve had a lot of things and plans going on and will have until the summer is over. And also sorry for it being a shorter chapter than the others.   
> Hope you all understand. <3 
> 
> -MoJo <3


	27. Bare feet

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song that fits this chapter is Bastille - Lethargy

_Evan pov._

I could almost smell the early morning dew from the grass as the cold air flew by our faces, we were definitely crawling the right way. I looked back behind me and got eye contact with Jonathan, showing him we were on our way out and there was not long to go until we could feel the wet grass rather than just smelling it. The thought of seeing Jonathan experience many things after years or even for the first time caught up to me fast and I had to take a deep breath in, my lips had formed into a wide smile as we got closer to our escape. _It´s time to get us checked out of here!_

My knees were getting sore, but we had to keep crawling, there was no turning back because that wouldn´t even be our last solution. The air was getting stronger and we were getting colder by the seconds. “We must be close now!” Jonathan whispered with a shaking voice because his hot skin was getting cooler. Suddenly we came to a left turn after just crawling forward and by turning left I noticed the grid there was between us and the outside world. I looked back at Jonathan in excitement and got the same reaction from him. His crooked smile was bright and his icy blue eyes were shining like never before from happiness and this facial expression suited him so much, I wanted to see this face on him every day from now on.

I then felt his hand on my ankle and I snapped from my haze that I often fall in when I just stare at his features on his face or body. “Are you alright?” He asked me in a low voice and I noticed I had a tear in my eye ready to fall down my cheek. “I couldn´t be better,” I answered him and dried the tear away with my sleeve. “Let´s keep ´er goin´,” I said and turned my face forward again to the grid in front of me. I reached my hand down to my pocket and found my wallet because I needed a coin to get the screws out so that we could remove the grid. While twisting the coin to get the screws out and alarm suddenly went off. It was ear piercing to listen to. “Guess they finally found my empty room,” Jonathan said with a laugh but deep down I could hear the panic in his voice. “Just hurry!” He said, raising his voice as the last screw came out. I pull the grid out of its place and placed it beside me. I looked out and took a deep breath in. “Can you smell that? It´s the smell of freedom!” I said and looked back at Jonathan with a smile.

The jump down wasn´t too bad if you just remember to bend your knees when you land on the ground. “I´ll go first,” I said and slid my legs out so they hung from the vent. I pushed myself out and my feet landed solidly on the ground, so I turned around to look up at Jonathan, but he looked frightened. “I don´t like heights!” He said with a scared voice. “Don´t worry, I´ll catch you, but you have to hurry because they´re looking for us!” I said in a calm voice while waving my hands for him to jump to me. He closed his eyes and bit down on his lip as he pushed himself out of the vent, his heavy body landing in my arms and I almost fell down to my knees, but I kept standing. “You can open your eyes now,” I said in a sweet voice and he slowly opened one eye and then the other, both smiling like idiots.

I let go of him and his bare feet hit the cold ground, making his body shake with excitement. I looked around and noticed that we stood in the middle of a garden with chairs tables all around us. “Did you know they had a garden?” I asked him curiously with a raised eyebrow. “Yes, and I´ve been here before, twice, but that is years ago.” He answered and began walking out onto the wet grass. “How come you´ve only been here twice?” I asked, walking behind him as he looked around at familiar sights. “One of the caretakers thought that it was a good idea to take me outside with others, but I bit the other patients both times, so I was never let outside again,” Jonathan explained to me with a light chuckle.

I looked behind us and to my terror I noticed flashlights in the distance, without a doubt looking for Jonathan because they have no idea that I´m here, helping him out. I grabbed a hold of Jonathan´s wrist and began pulling lightly. “We have to go, now!” I said in a commanding voice while pointing at the flashlights behind us. “Oh, shit!” Jonathan exclaimed with wide eyes. Jonathan pulled his wrist out of my hand and replaced it with his own hand. I looked down at it and then up at Jonathan who had “I´m ready to go” written across his face. I nodded for us to run, but before we could a familiar voice called out for Jonathan, making us both freeze in place. “Jonathan, I know you´re out here and I know your precious Evan is with you. Johnny, I just want you to know that you can escape from this place, but never from me.” Luke yelled to us with a calm voice in the darkness. Jonathan´s grip on my hand was tight and his breathing was unsteady. “Don´t listen to him,” I told Jonathan in a whisper, trying to calm him a bit. “Before you leave, Evan, I hope you don´t mind me paying little Ryan a visit,” Luke yelled out and the flashlights disappeared. For some reason, he let us go, but not on a good note because my eyes were shut closed and I was getting a headache from just thinking about him touching Ryan, all of it is my fault.

I felt a pull in my arm. “Let´s go!” Jonathan almost shouted to me, but for some reason, I couldn´t hear him over my own thoughts. “EVAN!” He kept yelling at me, but it was like his mouth moved in front of me, but no sound came out, he was the sane one at the moment because I had lost control. It was like bombs had hit and I had lost my hearing, the only thing I could he was Luke´s words, repeating themselves in my head. “I hope you don´t mind me paying little Ryan a visit.” Those words, filled with horror and disgust.   
I looked up at Jonathan who was yelling at me and shaking me, hoping for a response. “Fuck it!” Jonathan exclaimed and bow down in front of me, grabbing me around the waist and swinging me over his shoulder. _I guess adrenalin makes you stronger._

After around 20 minutes of Jonathan trying to run through the woods with me over his shoulder, his legs finally gave up under him and I had finally snapped from the trauma of Luke´s words. Jonathan landed on his knees with his hands on the ground too, panting from exhaustion and gasping for air. I crouched down in front of him and began drying the sweat away from his forehead. “I didn´t know what to do and now we´re lost because of me.” He said stuttering for air, tears fighting their way out through his eyes. I got up and looked around and to our luck, I knew where we were, I knew the way home. I wrapped my arm around Jonathan´s shoulders and pulled him up on his feet. His arm swung up behind my neck and shoulder, holding him upraised. “Don´t worry, you did good and I know the way out,” I assured him and kissed him on the side of his head, earning a weak smile from an exhausted Jonathan.

We walked half a mile before Jonathan´s legs broke down under him and he couldn´t keep walking anymore. “I can´t… I can´t walk anymore…” Jonathan said on the verge of tears and tired out of his mind. “I´ve never walked this much, it hurts,” Jonathan said and finally, let some of his tears roll. I looked down at his feet and they were bloody from running bare footed through a forest, no wonder he says it hurts. “It´s alright, I got you,” I said and pulled him up on my back for a piggy back ride. “There are only a few miles left, so just hang on tight,” I said to comfort him and he laid his head on my shoulder. After a few minutes of walking like this, he had fallen asleep on my back, not making it easier for me to carry him since he was now dead weight hanging on me.

Finally, street lights came to my sight and I noticed the familiar streets in front of me. Jonathan was still sleeping heavily on my back and I didn´t want to wake him just to tell him that we´re almost home, I want to wake him when we´re finally there. While walking down the long road a few cars stopped and asked if we wanted a lift, but I refused each time even though my legs were dead tired of walking, I just have a hard time of trusting strangers while I have someone with me that I lo… care about a lot.

The sun was finally coming up on the horizon and I couldn´t wait to get us home in my own bed. I had been walking like this for about two hours when the street sign to where my house is showed up and I sighed out in relief. I walked up on our front porch, knocking on the door even though it was probably around 5 am. A few minutes passed before the door unlocked and opened.   
“Hey, mom.”  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Back at it again with a new chapter that I hope you all will like <3 As I´ve said before I have a lot of plans this summer, so the chapters are a little spread out, but I hope this will satisfy you guys a bit <3 
> 
> -MoJo <3


	28. You make me feel

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NSFW

“Hey, mom.”  
My voice was hoarse and I knew that I for sure had caught the flu from walking so long outside in the cold without proper clothes on. Jonathan moved his head a little, but he was still sleeping like a rock and he had probably caught the flu too since I heard him sniffle a couple of times in his sleep on the way here. I knew he would get sick, he´s only in his underwear for the love of god, but at least I managed to get his shirt on him, so it was only his legs and feet that were bare.

My arms and legs were beginning to shake a lot from just standing on the porch, my mom staring at us like she has seen a ghost. I took a step forward and she began moving backward so that we could get inside in the warmth that is our home. I noticed her eyes had moved from me and to Jonathan´s pale scarred legs that dangled around my waist, but I didn´t say anything, I just walked inside to the living room, then up the stairs and finally into my room where I slowly laid Jonathan down onto my bed. She had pulled the covers down and when I had placed Jonathan properly, she began tucking him in the covers like he was her own child, she even brushed him over the hair while she looked down at him with her kind motherly eyes. I couldn´t have asked for a better response from her, she had already accepted him and I couldn´t be more thankful for that.

I looked up at her and motioned for us to go downstairs, she just nodded slightly and walked out of the room, but before I left Jonathan in here, I kissed him on the forehead and earned a little humming sound from him like he felt it and knew it was me. I left the door almost closed, so a little stripe of light would come in the room. I got downstairs and saw my mom standing by the window, looking out at the trees where the sun was slowly peeking through. “I can see why you wanted to get him out.” My mom started, keeping her gaze at the sunrise. “They didn´t treat him well at all, but I guess you noticed that. The worst thing though is that he has more than those you saw on his legs and none of them are self-made, or so I´ve been told.” I said, informing her that it was hell for him living there, but by saying that the look in her eyes saddened. “You got him out and that is the important thing, his wounds can finally begin to heal, but I know he´ll need your help, you´re in this now and you can´t back out and leave him on the streets or return him to Oak Meadows, I hope you realize that?” She said with a serious tone and turned her face to me, her eyes were intense, but of course, I knew what I´ve gotten myself into, I can´t give up now because it´s now the real challenge begins, the learning process for the both of us.

I placed my hand on her shoulder and pulled her in for a hug. “Of course, I do and I´m ready, but mostly I´m thankful for having you as my mom because I don´t think any mother would have taken in a man from an asylum just like you did,” I told her and some tears began creeping up into my eyes, but there weren´t enough for them to fall. “I would never in a million years refuse my own flesh and blood from coming inside his own home with someone I know he truly cares about, you know that.” She assured me and I just nodded, no more words needed to be exchanged between us, we´ve said enough for tonight and I was dead tired, I needed sleep and she knew that, so she pulled away from the hug, kissed me on my cheek and gave me a little nod good night.

I opened my door slightly and looked inside where I saw Jonathan sitting on the edge of my bed, staring at the picture on my walls. I closed the door behind me and Jonathan finally noticed me when the door clicked. “Are we home or am I dreaming again?” Jonathan asked in the sweetest tired voice I´ve ever heard come out of him, so I walked over to him and sat down too. “You´re not dreaming,” I assured him and took his hand in mine. “I had no idea how to react when I woke up in a room I´ve never seen before, so I just sat and looked at some of your stuff like this one, I really like this one,” Jonathan said while he leaned over to my dresser and picked up a picture of me from when I graduated. “And this one too.” He said leaning over again and grabbed another picture. This one was of me as a kid with our old dog. “Why do you like those so much?” I asked him while I looked at his smile. “Because you look so happy and… because I´ve never had any of those things, a dog or a reason to graduate.” Jonathan said, but for some reason his smile didn´t fade when he told me, it stayed on and I suddenly couldn´t help myself anymore, so I stood up in front of him, taking the picture out of his hands gently and placing them on the dresser again.

I began pulling his shirt off over his head slowly and he looked at me with his shiny blue eyes, his lips slightly parted. The room was dimly lighted from the sunrise shining through the blinds on the windows, but it was enough light for me to see all his bodies features as he laid himself back on my bed, his legs hanging over the edge and his arms laying over his head, totally surrendering himself to me. It was obvious to me that we both were too tired to fight any of our urges and honestly, we felt victorious from escaping, we needed some way to feel our first freedom together. I began biting my bottom lip as I looked him up and down, from head to toe, thinking to myself that we can sleep when we get old.

I got down on my knees and began kissing my way up on the inner parts of his legs and I could see his toes curl and his hands grabbed for the covers. As I slowly made my way up his legs, I reached for his briefs and pulled them down, making a little whimper as the cold air hit him. I got up on my feet again, looking down at him sprawled out on my bed. He looked up at me with a smirk as he raised his foot up and placed it under my shirt. “Off.” He said while he tugged at my shirt lightly, so I did what he said, not only because he told me to, but because I wanted this. When I had gotten my shirt off, he looked up at me with an unsatisfied look, but I knew why, I just wanted him to say it, telling me that he wanted this too and it wasn´t just me and my thoughts that ran a little wild. “All of it,” Jonathan said as he lifted one of his legs, spreading them more apart and giving me a view that sent a lump up in my throat. _Am I really about to do this? Hell yes, I am!_ My thoughts didn´t fight me anymore, they´ve left me alone since the day Jonathan sucked me off in his room when I realized I needed him just as much as he needs me.

Once I stepped out of my pants Jonathan couldn´t wait anymore, so he grabbed my wrists and pulled me down on top of him, placing myself between his legs and it felt like I fit perfectly there. I began biting lightly on his skin between his neck and shoulder, making him moan in my ear which only made me want him more. “P-please, Ev!” He began begging as he bucked his hips up against mine. “Eager, are we?” I whispered out and he breathed out heavily from hearing my voice after I haven´t spoken since he showed me the pictures, but there was something different about the way I talked to him now like I got this deep lust filled voice, so dominant and it felt so not like me, but it was and Jonathan seemed to notice the change in my voice too. He slid his fingers around the edge of my boxers and I took the hint and let him pull them off me as he wanted. I placed myself back on him and connected our lips, feeling an instant rush flow through my whole body, so the kissed turned wetter and more intense until Jonathan pushed me away and looked me seriously in the eye. “Who are you and what have you done to the innocent Evan?” Jonathan asked and the smirk returned to his face as I licked my lips seductively. “I´ve hidden him,” I said and quickly began attacking his neck with bites and wet kisses, licking my way up to his jaw.

I placed two fingers on his mouth and he quickly understood what I wanted, so he opened his mouth and began sucking on my fingers, wetting them good in his spit. “That´s good enough. Spread!” I said commanding and nudged to his legs as I moved my hand down between them. “Ev-“ I cut him off as I interred one finger into him and began working him more open. His breathing grew unsteady the more I moved my finger and when I inserted the second one there was a hitch in his moans. “I thought you said you haven´t been with a man before?” Jonathan asked in the middle of his moans and I couldn´t help but chuckle lightly and answer him truthfully. “Well, you make me feel and act like this,” I whispered into his ear and his mouth sprung open, releasing a sound I´d die to hear again, but something told me I would.

I pulled my fingers out and I heard a whimper from Jonathan because of the loss. “I waited for this ever since I laid eyes on you the first time,” Jonathan whispered out and his words calmed me down a bit, making me realize what I was about to do. He made me cherish the moment more because I… _I can´t say it…_

I leaned down and kissed him one last time before I lined myself up. “Are you sure?” Jonathan asked me sweetly and it felt funny to me that it was him asking me if I wanted this and not the other way around, but I nodded either way and smiled back at him as the crooked smile formed once again on his lips. He swung his legs up around my waist to give me a better angle, but before we both knew it, I was already pushing myself into him. God… I didn´t know how to explain the feeling other than he fits me better than my favorite sweater, he might have thought otherwise as I saw little tears in his eyes from the slight pain, but he told me it was okay and a part of the pleasure.

Suddenly he grabbed my ass and began pushing me in deeper and deeper until I thought I couldn´t go further, but he wanted me in more. “M-move!” He stuttered and I also felt the urge to move and so I did. “Ah... Ev! Fuck!” Jonathan moaned out in between my thrusts, making me want more of him. His nails ran down my back and dug into my skin as I found the spot, hitting it with each time I went in. my fingers began to shake and I felt like all control was leaving my body and I couldn´t get enough of this feeling he made me feel like even though I was on top, it was Jonathan who had all control over the situation, guiding me through this new pleasure for me.

I knew he was about to cum as he began panting and kissing me sloppily, but it was only tipping me over my own orgasm, so I didn´t complain at all. His hands found their way up into my hair and he began pulling hard on it, grunting to me to go faster and harder which sent me into overdrive until I was almost pounding into him, each thrust faster than the other. I placed my hands on his hips and got up onto my knees, lifting him up too and the view I got was priceless. Jonathan had his hands up in his hair, messing with it and giving me dirty looks while biting his lip, but his expression changed in a heartbeat as I grabbed around his cock with my hand, pumping him at the same speed as me. “I-I… Can´t h-hold it.” Jonathan gasped out and kissed him on the knee to tell him he could come and just as he did, I released mine too into him. I even think I bit so hard on my tongue it´s bleeding because of the rush the washed through me as I came inside him.

Jonathan was a trembling mess beneath me, but he had a look on his face that assured me that he was alright. I slowly pulled out of him and laid myself beside him, gasping for air just as hard as him. We both turned our faces to look at each other. I opened my mouth as to say something, but I felt like it would ruin the moment, so I took a deep breath in, instead. “I´ve never felt more free as I do now,” Jonathan said and curled himself up to me, holding me tight into his sweaty body. “And you make me feel this way.”        


	29. Real world

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song that fits the chapter Bastille - Glory

_Evan pov._

I turned and turned, trying to lay comfortably, but I couldn´t and definitely not when I discovered the place beside me was empty and cold, the spot where Jonathan should be, but he wasn´t. It woke me up completely, not knowing where he was, so I got up quickly and ran downstairs, not thinking about getting dressed first, but as I tumbled down the stairs I was met by a familiar quirky voice. “Morning Evy!” Jonathan greeted me with the nickname my mom uses for me. _He has obviously been talking to her for way too long!_ I rubbed my eyes and my vision wasn´t as blurry anymore, so I took a look at the scene in front of me. Jonathan sitting in his underwear on the couch, with a blanket over him, his legs crisscrossed and my mom sitting at the opposite end of the couch, fully clothed and ready to head to work. “How long how you been down here?” I asked curiously and rubbed my eyes again. “I found the little culprit wandering around the kitchen looking for food for about an hour ago.” My mom answered and looked over at Jonathan who had a cheeky smile on his lips. “Yeah, can´t say I´m not guilty,” Jonathan said and earned a wide smile from my mom. _It really looks like he has charmed his way to her._ “Dude, she made me pancakes! I love your mom! can I stay here forever?” Jonathan said laughingly and looked up at me. My mom stood up and patted him on the head and kissed him on the forehead. “As much as I love having you here, you guys need to look for a place to live since I can´t afford to feed another grown boy.” My mom said and looked down at Jonathan who made puppy dog eyes and stuck his bottom lip out, giving her his pleading look. “Well, I have to leave for work.” She said and began walking to the door, but before she left she turned to me. “And, Evan.” She started. “Go out and buy him some new clothes, I don´t want him to scare the neighbors.” She said and giggled. “Gotcha,” I answered as she closed the door, leaving us alone in the house.

I turned around, facing Jonathan who was still sitting there smiling at me. I crossed my arms and looked at him with a raised eyebrow. “What?” Jonathan asked as he noticed the look on my face. “She made you pancakes?” I asked and he looked confused at me. “Yeah, I told her I was hungry and then she made them, why?” Jonathan said and I tried to think back on the last time she made me pancakes, which were many years ago, so the little kid in me got jealous, but it wasn´t something serious, I just had to accept that Jonathan was still like a kid sometimes and my mom has a vibe about her that just makes you want to be that little kid again, getting hugs, kisses, and pancakes.   
I walked over and sat down beside him, leaning in and feeling the heat radiating from him, taking it all in. “Did you save some for me? I´m hungry too, you know.” I said and chuckled, feeling his eyes on me and a guilty looked rose on his face. “Sorry,” Jonathan said and smiled. “They tasted so good!” He exhaled in a sigh, but I saw my chance to get a little “revenge” when he closed his eyes, so I stood up and grabbed his ankles, pulling him down and I jumped on top of him. “Evan, what-“ Jonathan began, but he was quickly cut off as I ran my fingers over his chest, but what caught him off guard was that I began tickling him instead of caressing. His eyes turned from flirty too scared, but the good kind of scared, if you know what I mean. He wiggled furiously under me, his loud laugh spread through the house and I loved seeing him like this, having fun and being himself.

“I feel betrayed! How could you eat all of it without saving some for me!?” I yelled at him with a laugh. “Surrender now and the tickles stop!” I said, but he caught my eyes with his. “NEVER!” He shouted and laughed maniacally. “It´s worth it!” He said with a snicker as I grabbed his wrists, holding them above his head. He began fake crying and begging for me to stop, making me feel victorious, but as I looked down at him again, he had a smirk on which I found nerve wrecking. And in what felt like the speed of light, I suddenly laid beneath him. I blinked a couple of times, looking up at him with wide eyes and a confusing look. “How did you?” I asked and he looked proudly down at me. “I know some tricks of how to get out of grips.” He said and pinned me the same way I just had him. “Say that I won and that I had the right to eat all of the delicious pancakes or else!” He commanded and threatened me at the same time. “Or else what? Because you can never make me say that!” I said, trying not to sound nervous or scared. “THIS!” Jonathan shouted out and bit down on the spot between my shoulder and neck. He didn´t bite as hard, but enough to leave a mark for a few days. _Damnit!_  
He began tickling me too, but it faded as I swung my arms around his body, holding him close to me and feeling like I would never let him go and he felt it too. He stopped biting me and pulled himself up on his arms, looking down at me with a sweet smile before he kissed me on the lips. “Your mom is right though, I need clothes because I don´t have anything.” He said and chuckled in the kiss. “You can borrow some of mine while we go shopping,” I said and he hugged me tightly. “Thank you!” He said in a low voice as his head nudged more into the curve of my neck, so I kissed him on the side of his head.

Jonathan sat on my bed and stared at me while I looked through some of the drawers and my closet for clothes that would fit him. I had already gotten mine on, some black skinny jeans and a beige t-shirt. “That one!” Jonathan suddenly yelled as I tried to stuff some of my old clothes back into the closet. “I want this one!” He said as he walked over to me and picked up a blue hoodie I´ve had since high school. He held it up to his face and took a deep sniff while closing his eyes. “Smells just like you, another reason why I want this,” Jonathan said and looked at me with a smirk. “It´s really old, but sure, take it,” I said and scratched the back of my head as he put it on and zipped it up. I turned around and picked up a grey tank top, turning to him and handing it to him. “You need to have something under that,” I said smiled as he unzipped it with a sweet frown. “Don´t worry it smells like me too,” I assured him and chuckled because of his excitement, grabbing the tank top out of my hands fast.

“I am ready to face the real world!” Jonathan exclaimed while posing proudly, his hands on his hips. “You need pants or else we aren´t going anywhere,” I told him, but he laughed while he an out of my room and down the stairs. I pinched the bridge of my nose before I turned and walked downstairs. _What have I gotten myself into?_

I looked around the living room, but Jonathan was nowhere to be seen until I looked outside where he was sitting on the grass in our back garden. _The hoodie really does suit him well._ I stood and looked at him for a few minutes before I decided to approach him. “I really want a garden, Evan.” He said while picking at the grass. I didn´t want to crush his dream, but what we could afford at the moment was not something with a garden, so instead, I told him gently that he had to wait, but I promised him that we would own a garden someday. I reached my hand out to him. “Come on, you need pants,” I said and earned a wide smile from him. “I won´t wear pants every day.” He said while walking inside, making hand guns at me. “You don´t have to when we get our own place, I can promise you that,” I told him with a smirk and winked to him when he faced me.

After going through clothing store after clothing store and buying a lot to the picky Jonathan, who only wants blue for some reason and using a lot of time to convince him that he also needs clothes that aren´t blue. We finally sat down at a little coffee shop after buying all he needed, even a new phone that he had to get used to had a touch screen. “Things have sure changed a lot in 14 years, I´ll tell you that,” Jonathan said with a giggle as he reached down in one of the shopping bags. He pulled his hand up and put on the new sunglasses I had bought to him. “Do I look cool now?” He asked with a smirk as he leaned back in the comfy armchair. “Very,” I assured him, but our conversation was interrupted by a familiar voice. “Hey, can I take your order?” I looked up at the man and was met with chocolate brown skin and curly black hair. “Hey! Marcel! Long time no see!” I said and stood up to greet him with a hug. “Hell yeah, dude,” Marcel said, so I sat down again and looked over at Jonathan who was staring at Marcel through his sunglasses, not looking too amused, but I lightened his mood by introducing him. “Jonathan, this is my friend Marcel, we went to High school together,” I said and Jonathan finally formed a smile as he took his sunglasses off. Marcel almost got surprised by Jonathan´s intensely blue eyes as he looked at him. Marcel reached his hand out and they shook hands smilingly. “Are you new in town? Because I wouldn´t forget your pretty face.” Marcel said in winked to Jonathan who was suddenly blushing at his comment. “Well-“ I cut Jonathan off before he would say anything to Marcel about how he “got to town”. “Yes, he just moved in and is staying with me. We are actually looking for an apartment for us to live in, together, just us, me and Jonathan.” I said and embarrassed myself as I felt Jonathan´s and Marcel´s eyes on me. _I sound like a jealous and needy girlfriend!_  
I tried to shake off the scene I just made, but as I looked up at Marcel I noticed he was already laying eyes on Jonathan and I didn´t like that, no, I hated it! _Stop! He´s mine!_... _What? Where did that thought come from?_ My thoughts began fighting me again, but now it wasn´t about liking Jonathan, it was different, weird even, it was about him being hit on by others and it sickened me because… _He´s mine…_

I took a deep breath in and spoke loudly. “He´ll have a hot chocolate and I´ll have a latte.” Marcel looked at me with wide eyes as he noticed my expression. “Okay… coming right up.” Marcel said and backed away while I kept eyeing him and I think he got my message I was trying to send. Jonathan noticed it quickly and looked at me annoyed. “What?” I asked and he huffed at me, crossing his arms. “What!” I asked a bit louder than before, but he ignored me and looked away, so I sighed and leaned back in the chair.   
Marcel came back and placed our hot beverages on the table and left again without a word. Jonathan leaned in and took a sip. “Is it a crime to make new friends?” He said in low voice, not looking at me. “No, but he was hitting on you!” I told him and almost slammed my fist on the little coffee table, but I held my anger back and placed my hand lightly down instead. “Well, duh, obviously he was, I´m not blind!” Jonathan huffed and finally looked up at me annoyed. I suddenly felt bad for my behavior and took his hand in my, but he flinched at my touch before he slowly relaxed. “I… Sorry, I don´t know what came over me…” I began apologizing, but Jonathan bit his lip before he began talking. “I don´t blame you, it happens to everyone…” Jonathan said and looked down at his hot chocolate. “I… can we go home?” Jonathan asked and looked nervous all of a sudden. “Sure, but don´t you want to finish your drink?” I tried to calm him, but he really wasn´t in the mood for it. “I really need to tell you something and I can´t say it here.” He said a little frantic and got up from his seat. “Please?” He begged me and I gathered our stuff, paid for the drinks and we left the coffee shop. _What is so important? And did I trigger it, but how? My jealousy?_  



	30. I´m sorry

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song that fits the chapter Bastille - The Currents
> 
> Yes I know, I just love Bastille okay XD And may I add that this song fits so perfect to this chapter, just listen to the lyrics <3

_Evan pov._

The car ride back to the house was silent and a bit awkward for my taste, I didn´t like Jonathan being so quiet, it wasn´t like him at all being this way, so I just wanted to get home quickly as possible. I parked my mom´s car that she had left for us to use. I looked over at Jonathan who stared blankly out the window, his facial expression showing no emotions, so I gently nudged him on the arm. “We´re home,” I said, but he just sighed and stepped out of the car, not saying a word to me, so I tried not to push him too much unless he keeps acting like that.

I closed the door behind me as I watched Jonathan walk upstairs probably headed for my room. I sighed and leaned my back against the door, my head fell back, sighing again before I walked upstairs to him.

As I turn the corner in the small hall upstairs the leads to my room, I began to hear little quiet sniffles coming from behind my door. _He´s crying… What did I do?_ I placed my hand on the doorknob, hesitating to open it, dreading the situation and the words he might say to me. _What did I do wrong?_ The words kept repeating in my head, playing the scene at the coffee shop over and over in my mind.

“Jonathan?” I asked gently as I opened the door slowly. He was laying on the floor by my dresser, just like he always did in his cell when he was scared or sad, he would lay on the floor and not on the bed. “What´s wrong?” I asked and got down on my knees in front of him. “Nothing…” He whispered out without looking up at me. He was all curled up, with his legs against his chest, hiding his head from me. “Stop lying,” I said without sounding too harsh, but I just wanted the truth so badly. He sat himself up, still hugging his legs tightly into his chest. “Please… don´t get angry…” Jonathan said, but his words confused me. I would never get angry at him. _Doesn´t he know me better than that?_ “Please, tell me what´s wrong.” I almost begged him as I began pushing him for answers. I was getting scared for what might be wrong with him and I couldn´t take it. “Promise you won´t get mad!” Jonathan said louder than before and finally looked up at me, tears streaming down his face, giving me a look I´ve never seen on him before which made me more anxious and nervous than before. “Yes, I promise!” I assured him clearly, so he took a deep breath in and opened his mouth as to say something, but he quickly shut it, thinking about how to form his words it looked like. “You… d-don´t o-own… me…” He stuttered out as tears began to form in my eyes too. His words hurt me more than I would imagine, but he was right, I don´t own him, nobody does, he´s his own person. _I messed it up… fuck…_

I had no idea how to respond to that other than to tell him that he was right, but it would seem too easy for me to say that, so instead I pulled him closer to me. He pulled away at first, but I was too resistant, so he gave up and leaned into me, still wailing his eyes out. “I´m not angry.” I tried to assure him while driving my fingers through his brown hair that had begun to get a bit long on the top. “You know you can tell me anything, right?” I asked calmly as I looked down at his red puffy eyes. He nodded his head a little, taking in small breaths. “So, tell me what I did that made you so upset.” I pleaded to him, still caressing his, hoping it would calm him down. “Because…” Jonathan starts, swallowing down some of the tears that fight their way out his blue eyes. I gave his arm a little squeeze, telling him to keep going. “Because of all the past “relationships” I´ve been in if you can even call them relationships…” Jonathan trails of as I can see he´s thinking back on his past, even from before Oak Meadows. I could only imagine the people he must´ve been with before he got locked up, sick fucks.

“They´ve all been abusive and wanting me to themselves, so when I saw you act the way you did at the coffee shop, I got scared that you-“ “Might be like them…” I cut him off with a sad tone in my voice because Jonathan thought of me like all the others. I stopped caressing him and let my hand fall to the floor. “I´m sorry!” Jonathan said, his tears beginning to fall again. “I was just scared!” Jonathan begged on his knees in front of me, but I didn´t know what to say, I was hurt. “You know I´m not like that,” I said in a rough tone, looking directly into his eyes, I could see he was getting scared of me now for acting like this, but I couldn´t stop it, I most of all just wanted to break something and I felt like I couldn´t fill my lungs properly.

I stood up and walked to the door, but Jonathan quickly grabbed my wrist, he was still on his knees. I looked down at him, my facial expression blank and my eyes dead. “I didn´t mean it! Evan, please, don´t go!” He begged even harder and I had no idea how I could treat him like this, but I did. I took another step forward as he kept pulling me backward, but his grip on my wrist loosened as he could see he had lost.

I began opening the door, but I stopped in my action as I heard Jonathan mumble something through his sniffles and tears. “But… I love you…” He said just loud enough for me to catch it. My heart sunk to my stomach as I realized how I´ve just acted like all the others who as treated Jonathan like shit. I fell to my knees in front of the door, leaning my forehead on it. I could feel him behind me, crawling slowly closer. _What have I done?!_

I suddenly felt Jonathan´s hand on my ankle, squeezing lightly, so I turned my face to look at him, his face was all red and tired from the crying. My shoulders dropped and I fell back, sitting fully down on the floor. “Is it true?” I asked sweetly with a shake in my voice as I dried a tear away from his cheek using my thumb. “Yes,” Jonathan says and he finally calms down as I smile to him. “I know you´re not ready to say it back and that´s okay because trust me, I have noticed you almost saying it a couple of times,” Jonathan says with a light giggle and his crooked smile following up right after. “N-no I h-haven´t!” I stuttered while trying to deny it, but I knew I couldn´t escape it, not this time. But he was right, again, I wasn´t ready to say it back, not now at least. So, I said the one thing you should never say back to an I love you, but I did since he knew I wasn´t ready. “I like you very much too,” I said and laughed loudly because he understood me. He pushed me on the shoulder and made a fake pout, but it didn´t last that long as he couldn´t hold back his gorgeous laugh either. “Damn! I just got burned!” Jonathan said sarcastically while making a sizzling noise as he touched me with his finger. _Please, stay this way forever. Please, keep your playful mind._

I stood up and helped him up on his feet too. “Hungry?” I asked with a grin, already knowing his answer. “Always!” Jonathan shouted as he ran downstairs, his arms waving above his head. _Such a child._ I laughed to myself by Jonathan´s actions before I went downstairs too. “Can you make pancakes as good as your mom?” Jonathan yells at me from the kitchen as I walked down the stairs. “Probably not, but I´ll gladly take the challenge,” I said as I got into the kitchen looking for Jonathan who´s head suddenly popped up from behind the counter. “Stop trashing the place like some raccoon looking for food and sit down.” I chuckle and points him over to the dining table. Jonathan groans as he drags his own feet over to the table and sits down.

Once I was finally done with the pancakes, I walked over to an almost drooling Jonathan with the stack on a plate. “Eat them slowly,” I told him, but he was already stuffing his face with pancakes and syrup. “What?” Jonathan asked with his mouth full. “Nothing.” I laughed and looked at him stuff some more in his mouth. I decided to walk over and turn the TV on, hoping for something funny to be on, but it was only the news. I was about to turn it off again when something caught my ear. “Dangerous man escapes the local mental asylum, Oak Meadows.” The man on the news says before a big picture of Jonathan appears on the screen. “Eyewitnesses tells he was not alone.” The man says and then, there it was, a picture of me. I turned it off quickly, hoping that Jonathan didn´t hear it, but as I looked behind me, Jonathan had stopped eating and was just staring at me with his jaw dropped.

 _I need to call Marcel!_  


	31. Warm liquid

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song that fits the chapter Muse - Hurricanes and butterflies   
> The song should only be played at the end of the chapter ^^

_Evan pov._

“The fuck was that, Evan?!” Jonathan exclaimed with a nervous shake in his voice. I had no time to explain to him what there was going on because for all I know the police could be on their way to us right at that moment. Instead of talking to him and calming him, I just ordered him to run up to my room and pack everything if we had to make a quick escape. Jonathan didn´t ask any questions, he just did was he was told, but something told me that this whole situation had broken a bigger piece in Jonathan and I´m sure I wouldn´t like the outcome of this, but we had no time to think about deeper stuff.

While Jonathan was upstairs packing all his new clothes and some of mine into one of my duffle bags, I kept looking for Marcel´s number on phone, but high school was years ago, so I had probably lost it when I got a new phone. “Damnit!” I said loudly and threw my phone to the floor, my hands up in my hair, pulling lightly on it. We had to drive back to the coffee shop and pray to Marcel being there, we had no idea of his work schedule, so we could only hope.

We´ve been in situations like this before, well, maybe not this drastically, but we´ve been in situations before where hope was the only thing that kept us going. Like when Luke locked me up, I almost lost hope being in there and if that happened, I don´t think I would´ve been able to get Jonathan out either. Hope means a lot to us, a fuck-ton actually.  
I looked behind me and saw Jonathan walking down the stairs with a determined expression on his face, he knew what was going on and that we weren´t safe here anymore. “All packed?” I asked him with a serious tone, but he just nodded and walked passed me, placing the duffle bag by the door, ready to head out. He leaned on the wall behind him and crossed his arms, waiting for me to talk. I picked up my phone from the floor and put it back into my pocket. “I checked and I don´t have his number anymore,” I told him without sugar coating it because some things have definitely changed in him, sugar coating things weren´t needed anymore with this Jonathan and I didn´t know if I liked him this way at all, but I had no choice than to just go with it until all this shit were over with.

I don´t think Jonathan has ever been this quiet. The whole drive back to the coffee shop, he was dead quiet, but it was not an awkward kind of silence, no, the silence was tense, but at the same time, I could feel he was ready to take matters into his own hands now. He´s grown so much as a person ever since the first time I talked to him. I´m actually proud of his own progress, he´s done things he never thought he´ll do ever again and nobody could take that away from him, he knew that now. With the word “ready” written across his face, I didn´t mind the silence anymore like calm before the storm and I knew he felt it too.

_I decided to play when I knew you were fire_

I parked right across from the coffee shop, luckily, we could see everything and everyone in there. “He´s here,” Jonathan said blankly and stepped out of the car. He began walking across the street, not looking both ways, so cars had to stop up hard, they were honking their horns at him, but he really couldn´t give a shit. I couldn´t believe my eyes, I´ve never seen him like this, but I quickly snapped out of it when I saw Jonathan entering the coffee shop, so I ran after him and caught up to him before he had a chance to talk to Marcel without me. I didn´t want Jonathan to tell Marcel things that he had no need of knowing.

We both stood in the entrance, I had my eyes on Marcel when he finally saw me, he walked over to us calmly and by doing so, I knew he hadn´t seen the news yet.   
“Hey! Want anything to drink?” Marcel asked with his same old smile, totally unaware of why we were here which was lucky for us, I wanted to tell him myself. “Can we go somewhere private? We really need to talk.” I said, my tone steady and serious. “Um, sure, we can go to the back room,” Marcel said confused as he pointed to the door behind the cash register. I nodded and grabbed Marcel´s arm and began walking us to the back room, Jonathan following behind us. His eyes were staring intensely at Marcel and I could see that Marcel knew something was up. “So? What´s so important?” Marcel asked us a bit nervous, but before I could answer, Jonathan stepped in in front of me with his phone, showing the website of the news station that showed on TV. The two drawn pictures of us were almost spot on, it was obvious to see it was us. _How does he already know how to do that?!_ I was amazed how fast Jonathan had learned to use his phone. Marcel stepped back a bit, his confusion growing bigger by the seconds. “Why are you showing me this?” Marcel asked and took another look at the pictures on Jonathan´s phone. “Long story short, I broke Jonathan out of the old asylum that lays a bit out of town and now we´re on the run, police are looking for us,” I said, my voice still calm and serious and I could see that Marcel had no idea how to react on this info. “And you better not say a fucking word about us to anybody!” Jonathan suddenly yelled at Marcel, threatening him with a pocket knife he suddenly swung out of his back pocket. _That´s mine! Where the hell did he get that?!_ Marcel stepped further back, away from us, his hands up in front of him, scared that Jonathan might do something to him. “Wow! Easy!” I exclaimed and put my arm up in front of Jonathan. “What´s wrong with you! Marcel´s my friend and we need him to stay that!” I yelled at Jonathan for threatening him, but he just rolled his eyes at me, huffed and left the back room.

I sighed heavily and turned my attention back to Marcel who sighed too and looked happy that Jonathan was gone. “I am so sorry about that, I don´t know what´s going on with him today.” I tried to apologize to Marcel, who luckily accepted it. “So, what did you need me for then?” Marcel asked and crossed his arms. “Just that you don´t tell anyone and if somebody asks, just tell them that you know me from high school,” I explained and he nodded. “Anymore? What about your address, they´ll probably search there first.” Marcel asked with curiosity. “Well, Jonathan and I have already packed my mom´s car, so we won´t be home,” I said with a wink. Marcel sighed but finally looked at me straight in the eye. “You can count on me, anytime dude,” Marcel said with a smile and padded me on my shoulder. “You have no idea how thankful I am for that!” I exclaimed to him with happiness almost jumping up and down from it.

I walked out of the back room without Marcel, he told me to just go and be safe out here and he promised to keep this whole mess a secret, I couldn´t wish for anything better. I walked out of the coffee shop to wear I found Jonathan leaning against the wall outside, playing with the pocket knife in his hands. I got eye contact with him as I walked towards the car and he followed me to it without saying a word. We got in the car, but before I started the engine, I sighed heavily and placed my forehead on the steering wheel, both my hands holding on to it too. I had to confront him with this weird behavior, he´s been acting all tough and strange ever since I told him to go and pack the bag.   
“Why the hell are you acting like this?” I asked him calmly as I sighed again. I didn´t look up at him, but I knew he looked at me. “I don´t know what you mean,” Jonathan said with no emotions behind it, his voice sounding so monotone and dead. I finally decided to look at him and show him… show him the tears in my eyes that he caused without knowing, but as I turned my head his way and met his gaze, I heard it and I felt it, a sound you just wish to forget forever, a loud banging sound that broke the front window of the car. I looked up at Jonathan at was met by his blue and wet eyes, filled with panic and sorrow. I swallowed a lump in my throat. “What´s wrong?” I asked him almost in a whisper, but his shaking hands grabbed my head because for some reason I had no power to hold it up anymore. I moved my hand to my stomach and my hand and fingers got covered in a warm liquid. I raised my hand to look and it was covered in blood, my blood. The sharp pain never came which I thought it would as I suddenly figured that someone had shot me in my stomach and soon enough I found out who it was that fired the gun, a laugh none of us would forget. “EVAN! NO!” I heard Jonathan scream, his voice shaking from his tears that rolled down his face in thick streams.

My vision was getting blurry and darkness was caving in on me. I could only look straight, but it was okay because that was right where Jonathan´s face was. I raise my hand and placed it on his cheek, even though I covered the place with my blood, he grabbed my hand sweetly, crying more than ever. I smiled to him, assuring him that I wasn´t in any pain which I really wasn´t, it was a bad sign to not feel anything. _It´s okay, I´m okay._

Jonathan began screaming at me and punching things around him, smashing his fist into some of the broken glass that laid all around us. My vision was almost gone as I suddenly felt Jonathan pull in my shirt. He pulled hard enough to swing me over him, landing on the passenger seat, so Jonathan could take the steering wheel. In a matter of seconds, the car was driving at a high speed, being led by a person who I didn´t even know had a driver’s license.

My body was slowly but surely going limp and I could feel my breathing slowing down too, but I felt okay. I kept my hand on the gunshot wound, trying to stop the blood flow, but it was hard since I was getting weaker. _If I die now, I need to tell him._ I slowly turned my head his direction and he caught my eyes on him. I opened my mouth and breathed out heavily. “Evan? What is it?” Jonathan cried out to me in a low voice. I swallowed down and I could taste the blood in my mouth, so I took a deep breath in. “I… I love… you…” I said and used all my strength in me. Jonathan grabbed my hand tight but kept his eyes on the road, but I could tell it was hard for him not to look at me and cry his eyes out on me. I wished I could just hug him, but my vision cut to black, my head fell back and the last thing I heard was him screaming my name. “EVAN!”


	32. Live a little

_Evan pov._

_It´s okay. I´m okay. It´s all okay.  
_ “IT´S NOT FUCKING OKAY!” Jonathan screamed and that is all I remember, his screams. I´ll never forget how he cried my name when everything faded to black. The sound of him ached right through my chest to my heart, it hurt and I tried to comfort him, I really did, but he was right, I was far from okay.

Even though I was gone in my mind, I could still feel all the bumps and holes Jonathan drove over at a high speed. He didn´t care about them, all he cared about was getting me fixed, saving me from this enormous blood loss I´ve suffered. My blood had covered the entire passenger seat I was sitting in and it was smeared around all places around me, even the steering wheel Jonathan was holding and half of his face. That was the only scene I could remember, the last thing I saw before darkness consumed me, was Jonathan´s face covered in my blood, screaming at me.

I wonder what must´ve run through his fragile mind as shit hit the fan and he was the only one capable of doing anything about it. _Thank God, we were in the car and not on the street._ I know it was Luke who did this to us, I heard him laugh, I´ve never forgotten the sound of that, so deep and rough, maniacally. I didn´t see him though, but I knew and I know Jonathan heard it too. The question is just, why did he leave us alone, he could´ve shot me and taken Jonathan, but he let us drive away. I couldn´t piece it together in my mind why he would leave us. Jonathan was precious to him and he had his chance to take him away from me, so why he didn´t do it made no sense to me. I opened my eyes, they were like glued together, so I must´ve been out for quite a long time. I looked around the room and the bed I was laying in, nothing familiar, I had no idea where I was, where Jonathan had taken us, but it looked alright. The walls had a nice shade of blue, making the room cozier. The curtains in front of the windows had small flowers on them, just like most things in the room. The room was dimly lighted and it was dark outside, I began to wonder hard over where Jonathan was until the door opened and I was finally met with something familiar, Jonathan.

I opened my eyes, they were like glued together, so I must´ve been out for quite a long time. I looked around the room and the bed I was laying in, nothing familiar, I had no idea where I was, where Jonathan had taken us, but it looked alright. The walls had a nice shade of blue, making the room cozier. The curtains in front of the windows had small flowers on them, just like most things in the room. The room was dimly lighted and it was dark outside, I began to wonder hard over where Jonathan was until the door opened and I was finally met with something familiar, Jonathan.

Jonathan fell to his knees in the door opening, tears streaming out of his eyes. I wanted to walk over to him, but as soon as I tried to sit up in the bed, the burning pain hit me. I fell down on the bed again, but with a smile on still, because he´s still with me, he´s still here. Jonathan got up on his feet again and ran to me, he jumped on the bed and wrapped his arms around me tight. _He definitely forgot I got shot_. “Ow!” I said sweetly and placed my hand on the wound, but wrapped my other arm around his neck and pulled him closer to me. “Sorry,” Jonathan whispered and I just nodded understandingly before our lips met, pure bliss ran through my body. I kissed him like there was no tomorrow. Jonathan melted in my arms and laid down beside me, running his fingers gently over my skin, goosebumps spread all over on my body by his touch.

I ran my thumb over some new tears that began to fall down Jonathan´s cheeks again. “Why are you crying?” I asked him sweetly and tilted my head to one side. “I´m just happy.” Jonathan sniffed and breathed out heavily, laying his head down on the pillow next to my head. He curled closer to my body and I held him like it was my last day on earth with him, but I knew now that we had many days ahead of us, together, just us.

I had a lot of questions on my mind, but they seemed to vanish when Jonathan laid beside me, all my problems gone when he touched me. We fell asleep fast in each other’s arms.

I woke up alone in the bed, the place beside me was cold, so he´d been gone for some time. I looked around the room again, now the sun was shining through the window, giving the room a new shade that was very pleasant. I stretched my arms, but I couldn´t raise my left arm above my head as it hurt on my left side. I groaned a bit by the pain but quickly tried to get over it as I swung my legs over the edge of the bed, my feet hitting the cold floor. I looked down at my body that was covered in bandages around my stomach and my lower chest. _Who did this?_ I kept wondering because it looked professionally made, not made by some random person, no, the person that had stitched me up, knew what they were doing.

I had just gotten a shirt on when the door opened and Jonathan walked in with a big smile on his pretty pink lips. He had a big red striped flannel on and some old ripped jeans, none of it was his clothes. He was wearing a black bandana around his head with his brown hair hanging over it, sweat dripping down the side of his face. Jonathan walked over to me and helped me up on my feet, holding his arm around my waist as I tried to put on pants.

“I have to show you where we are,” Jonathan said with a big smile as I zipped my pants up. “I am really curious to know where you brought us,” I said and chuckled lightly and followed him to the door, but before he opened up, I looked down at his feet. “Are you wearing crocs?” I asked and began laughing. “Evan, I won´t argue! They are comfortable as hell!” Jonathan laughed too and finally opened the door to outside. The sun was blinding, but what hit me the most was not the sun, but the fresh air. It smelled like hay and farm animals. My eyes finally adjusted to the light and sure enough, we were surrounded by fields, animals and a barn close by.

A woman around my age was walking towards us. She had blond hair, blue eyes, and friendly smile. “Hi! I´m Kelly, the person who saved your life,” She said and reached her hand out, I shook it and greeted her with a tired smile, still squinting my eyes because of the sun. “Evan and thank you,” I said with a sigh, I was getting exhausted just from standing up too long. “I know your name, Jonathan has told me a lot about you,” She said with a wink in her eye. I looked at Jonathan who just stood there with a wide smile on. _What has he told her?_

“Come, let me show you around the place,” Kelly said and began walking towards her house that laid at the end of a dirt road. My legs were wobbly, so I placed my arm around Jonathan´s neck and followed right behind Kelly. “How long was I out for?” I asked Jonathan in a low voice, so Kelly wouldn´t hear me, but she did anyway. “7 days!” She laughed and my eyes widened. _7 Days!_ I couldn´t believe it, Jonathan had been alone without me for 7 days, what has he even been doing for that long? I stopped walking because I simply couldn´t believe that I´ve been asleep for that long. “It´s okay, Evan. There hasn´t been a single boring second here for me, she has kept me busy.” Jonathan assured me and I saw a smile grow on Kelly´s lips. “He sure knows how to work hard!” Kelly said with a light giggle as she walked up onto her porch and opened the door for us.

I was greeted by Kelly´s parents that hadn´t asked a single question about what happened to me, they just took us in, no hesitation which I found incredible. _And I thought that my mom was the only one like this._ Jonathan and her parent were talking like they´ve known each other for years already. I just sat back and listened to Jonathan talk without an end until I caught Kelly´s eyes and she motioned me to come and talk under four eyes, so I got up and walked out to the porch with her. Honestly, I wanted to talk to her too, I wanted to know what Jonathan had been up to and what he´s told her.

“Jonathan has told me a lot about you, but nothing about himself.” She started and leaned back on the railing behind her. “I didn´t want to bother him with questions since he was quite upset for a couple of days, he actually stayed by your side for 3 days until he finally came outside, wanting to take his mind off of you for a bit.” She finished and sighed a bit. I could almost feel her relieve of telling me this, but I stayed silent. “You probably have some questions about him too?” She asked and smiled sweetly. “Yeah, I do like what has he been doing all this time?” I asked curiously. Inside Jonathan seemed so talkative and… happy. I could feel that he trusted these people already, probably for saving my life and letting us in. “Well, when he started to come out of the little annex that you´re staying in, he looked miserable, so we gave him work to do here on the farm like feeding the animals and walking our dogs. It’s a hard job, but it sure does take your mind off everything else.” She said, but I could see she wasn´t done, so I waited with my questions a bit.

Kelly walked closer to me and placed her hand on my shoulder. “He thought he´d lost you,” Kelly said and with that, I´d heard enough, I wanted to be with him, hold him right now. Tell him that I´m still here, I´m not gone, I never will be. Kelly could obviously see in my eyes that I was done talking, so she looked inside, calling for Jonathan who almost came running to me, wrapping his arms around me. I felt his strong arms around my body. “You´ve been working out,” I whispered and earned a little squeeze from him. I looked up at Kelly who apparently could read me like an open book. She nodded and smiled, leaving us on the porch alone. 

Jonathan nuzzled his head closer into the curve of my neck, his long hair tickling my skin and his arms holding me close to his firm body. “I´ve missed you so fucking much! You have no idea!” He cried out without any tears, I could just hear it in the shake in his voice. I couldn´t help but smile as I buried my face in his hair, taking in his smell that I can´t ever get enough of. Simply I couldn´t get enough of anything about Jonathan, the thought could scare me sometimes, that I need him so much that I can´t see myself living without him anymore. Jonathan pulled away a bit and looked up at me, but his eyes trailed off to another direction as he bit his bottom lip. “I want to show you the barn,” Jonathan said and was already pulling down the porch and in the direction the barn was.

Jonathan´s fingers intertwined with mine as he led me into the barn. He closed the big door behind us and I turned to face him, but I was met by lust filled blue eyes staring right at me. He unbuttoned the big red flannel he had on while walking towards me. The flannel dropped to his feet, giving me the perfect view of his newly toned body. Jonathan noticed my mesmerized stare that was wandering all over his body. “To answer your question, yes, I have been working out,” Jonathan grinned and I suddenly felt so weak compared to him, but he still melted under my touch so easily, so I still felt in control over him.

Drums began banging in my ears as Jonathan pulled my shirt over my head and kneeled down to unzip my pants, sliding them down to my ankles. He stood up again and the moment I´ve been waiting forever since I woke up came, a passionately kiss was planted right on my lips with perfection. His fingers ran over my stomach and up to my chest when suddenly he pushed me and I fell backward, landing on something prickly, but soft at the same time. I looked around and I´d landed in a big pile of hay.   
A big wide smile formed on my lips as Jonathan walked in front of me wearing a cowboy hat and boots, swinging a whip around playfully. _This is gonna be good!_  



	33. Catch me first

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song that fits the chapter Ginuwine - Pony

_Evan pov._

I couldn´t do anything else than to lay back and admire the sight before me that was Jonathan wearing those ripped jeans, boots and a cowboy hat, swinging that whip around like it was a toy. I felt like he had practiced all of this, to set up a show for me once I would wake up and now that I did, he danced around the barn in his own self-made choreography. He knew exactly how to me to satisfy me, how to swing his hips around which he is scarily good at.

He suddenly walked over behind me and kicked to what I could only imagine being a radio that began playing music that I can only describe as very sexual and perfect for the dance he was doing. He sang along to the lyrics and when the word “pony” came he looked me right in the eyes with a wink. “If you´re horny lets do it, ride it, my pony. My saddle´s waiting,” He sang and got down low and rose back up slowly with his ass sticking out, his hands placed on his knees. His eyes were almost dark with lust, it was obvious when our gaze occasionally met while he danced.

His moves had gone more from a dance to strip tease, but I wasn´t complaining at all and he knew that from the way I looked at him, obvious that I wanted him more from every second that he moved around me, so teasing and tempting. I could´ve with ease grabbed him when he got close to me, but I didn´t because every time I raised my hands for him, he swatted them away and told me in a whisper, “No touching, that´s the rules, babe,” and after that he would twirl around in a slow motion, giving me a good view of his back parts. From his toned back, down to his ass and lastly his pale thighs that I could just sink my teeth and nails into, his skin always so soft to the touch.

The song was playing on repeat since his “show” lasted way longer than that which I still hadn´t any complaints about. He got down on all fours and crawled seductively closer to me, his eyes locked on mine. He crawled up on top, straddling me and pinning my arms above my head with a loose grip, but I just let him do what he wanted and enjoyed every second of it, even though I groaned a bit by the pain of raising my left arm that high, but none of us really cared that much about it. “If we´re gonna get nasty baby, first we´ll show and tell, till I reach your pony tail,” He almost moaned out and placed his hand on my visible hard on when he said “pony tail”, my breath hitching. He let go of my wrist, but by the look in his eyes I could tell he wanted me to keep them above my head, so I obeyed and did what he wanted. His fingers began trailing up and down my stomach and my chest while placing featherlike kisses all over my body, leaving my skin with a burning sensation.

He stood up with one foot by each of my sides. He unzipped his pants slowly, too slow if you ask me. He began sliding them down while rolling his hips, playing with the hem of his jeans. I bit my bottom lip. “Please!” I began begging even though I didn´t know what for. “You´re such a tease,” I let out as his pants were finally off, now he only missed to get his briefs off. He smirked down at me because of the noises that left my lips, they were embarrassing, but I knew he enjoyed me begging for him, who wouldn´t like to know that you´re wanted for more than just your body? I wanted more than his body on mine, I wanted everything, all of the man in front of me who is Jonathan. The need and my craving for him grew like an avalanche through my entire body. The feeling started in my lower region, crawling slowly up into my gut until it spread across my skin, my face flushed a bright red, I was dizzy and sweating just by looking at him. _How can someone do something so powerful by doing so little?_

He was truly mesmerizing to look at, how he´s learned to move his body around was fascinating, but I didn´t want to think about it too long on how he learned it, it would ruin it for me because I knew too well how and it wasn´t a nice way or for fun. He was making my pulse rise without doing much, sending me his pretty half lidded eyes that were filled with so much more than just lust. He had mastered the art of making me lose all control, giving in to my needs and what I needed was Jonathan.

My blood began to boil as he sat down on me again and began grinding on me painfully slow for my taste. Jonathan leaned down and began nibbling on my ear which made my toes curl and legs twitching. _How long has he been planning this?!_ My fists were clenched above my head since Jonathan told me to keep them there and I wasn´t able to touch him which my fingers craved to do, dig into his skin. “I think you´ve suffered enough, for now,” Jonathan whispered and grabbed my wrists again, placing them on his hip, finally letting my hands wander around and exploring his body with my fingertips. My hands were tracing every single inch of his perfect skin and it felt like every time I would see him without clothes, I discover something new like I´ve never until now seen how many small freckles he has all around his body.

He finally dropped down and put all his weight on me, he basically melted as our skin touched and I think I did as well. My first instinct told me to just rip his brief off, but I really didn´t want to listen to that thought, but it was hard, my hands were already on their way down his back, getting closer to the edge of Jonathan´s underwear. A little soft moan escaped Jonathan´s lips when my hands slid under the thin fabric and placing them on his cheeks and pressing him lightly down on me further.

I was slowly but surely giving into my instincts that practically screamed for Jonathan and Jonathan knew that oh so well. He knew how much I tried to fight that side of myself, fight my own needs because, for me, Jonathan´s needs come first. I held back like crazy until Jonathan raised his head and kissed me on the lips deeply. He pulled away just an inch, our lips still touching. “Give in, Evan, do it for me,” Jonathan whispered into my mouth and with that, his eyes widened as the sound of fabric tearing could be heard. I literally ripped his brief off him in pieces which surprised Jonathan. He gasped as I pulled his lips back onto mine roughly, the kiss filthy and wet with the build up lust. The drums were back in my ears, louder than ever, my nails running up and down Jonathan´s bare back.

I began working on getting my own underwear off, but they only got down to my thighs before Jonathan had sneaked his fingers around my cock, a low grunt formed in the back of my throat. “Like that?” Jonathan asked in a low and seductive voice as I placed my hands on his hips again, digging my fingertips into him. I arched my back a bit and rolled with my hips slightly, but I quickly stopped by the loss of Jonathan´s touch on my member. He stood up and looked down at me with a smirk while biting his pink bottom lip. “If you want it, you´ll have to catch me first,” He chuckled in a low tone and began backing up from me. I, on the other hand, was pulling my underwear on again and sitting up, keeping our eyes locked, I wouldn´t want to lose sight of him, not now, I was too lost in lust anyway.

It didn´t take me long to get him trapped in a corner. I pinned him in the corner with a hand on each side of his head. He swallowed a big lump in his throat when our eyes met again and I smiled widely and somehow, I could make it just as crooked as Jonathan can, I think my smile was the reason to why Jonathan looked a bit scared when I pinned him. I began attacking his neck with my mouth and teeth. “Don´t be scared,” I assured and gently picked him up from the ground, his legs instinctively locking around my waist and his arms around my neck, his head resting on the wall behind him. His hands found their way up into my hair and his lips on mine now.

I pressed him against the wall as I got my hand down to take my briefs off again. My tongue roamed around in his mouth, the arousal rising in my body that much that I grabbed my cock and placed the tip by Jonathan´s entrance, pressing lightly. Jonathan pulled away from the kiss and licked his lips. “I´m not ready, you can´t go in now,” Jonathan moaned as I pressed further a bit more. “I can´t wait!” I almost growled out as I pressed myself inside Jonathan half way, my head fell back from the tightness around my cock.  “Ow! AH! Fuck, Evan!” Jonathan exclaimed as I pushed further inside him, his facial expression looking strained from the pain that I could only imagine.   
After a minute or two, he began to get used to me and slowly slid down himself. He pushed himself a bit from the wall to get me deeper. I bit down into his shoulder as I suddenly snapped my hips forward, thrusting hard into him, he dug his nails into my back, his mouth hanging open.

He pulled me in for a slobby and wet kiss as I picked up a brutal pace, thrusting into him harder and harder each time I pulled out. His eyes suddenly sprung open and he gasped loudly. “Evan! There!” He cried out in pleasure as I his prostate. I moved him away from the wall a bit to get better leverage because I wanted to hit that bundle of nerves with every thrust, I wanted to hear him scream my name again. Loud moans and grunts filled the barn and lucky for us it laid a bit away from the house, but Jonathan knew that since it was all his idea. _And what a fucking good idea!_

Jonathan gently took my hand and lead it up to his neglected member that was almost dripping with precum from the tip. I brushed my thumb over the slit, coating it in the slick liquid. I raise my thumb up to my lips and licked it slowly before grabbing a hold of him again and starting to pump his cock to the same fast rhythm as myself.   
His breathing got faster and his grip on me tighter. “I´m…! C-close…!” Jonathan stuttered in a loud moan. “F-faster!” Jonathan begged and began pulling in my hair hard. _Faster?! How the fuck am I supposed to go faster?!_ I thrusted as fast and hard as I could and then I felt the warm liquid spilled all over my hand and his stomach as Jonathan came with my name on his lips and I followed up not long after from Jonathan clenching tight around my member.

I rested my forehead on his, sweat dripping down both our bodies. I sighed out heavily and kissed him sweetly on his cheek. I held him close to me as I turned around, walking towards the big stack of hay that all our clothes laid scattered around. I plopped us down onto the hay and rolled over beside him, still with a high pulse and heavy breathing. Jonathan picked up a piece of his underwear that I ripped to pieces earlier. “I´m still impressed over this,” Jonathan chuckled and threw the piece in my face. “I did it because I love you,” I said sweetly and smiled up at him with a light giggle. Jonathan looked surprised at first by my words but smiled widely afterward.   
“I know and I did all of this because I love you too,”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy birthday Kylee! Hoped you enjoyed!


	34. A promise is a promise

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, guys! Sorry for the long wait, but here it is! The ending!  
> Songs that fit the chapter:  
> Mystery skulls - Endlessly  
> Mystery skulls - Follow you

_Evan pov._

“Have you ever wanted to travel in space?” Jonathan asked me while he rolled around in the bed. I was almost asleep, so I didn´t really answer his questions. After we´ve been living here on Kelly and her family´s farm for almost 7 months now, Jonathan has begun to ask random questions before bed which caused me to stay up longer than I wanted to. Like always Jonathan has a hard time falling asleep and he made it my problem too by asking about weird stuff. “Evan?” He shoved me on my shoulder. “Hm? What?” I blinked a couple of times, but my eyes couldn´t stay open, I was too tired from work today. “Do you ever think that it will ever be possible to breathe underwater?” He asked again and pushed me in my side. I turned around to face him, even though my eyes were half closed. “Jonathan! Sleep!” I commanded him in a tired and rough voice.

“Don´t you ever just wonder?” He asked and I sighed out heavily. “What can I do to make you go to sleep?” I asked and Jonathan sat up on the bed, my head landing in his lap. “Will you do anything?” He asked I and could practically hear the smirk form on his lips, but I was too tired to care. “Sure…” I mumbled and nuzzled my body closer to his leg. “Marry me then,” Jonathan said and I just nodded my head. “Really? Can we do it like next week?” I felt his legs tense up, but my tiredness was too much for me to focus on anything. “Yeah, sure…” I answered him and finally, he slid down under the covers to me and wrapped his body around me like never before. “Thank you,” Jonathan whispered and cuddled his face into my chest. “Hm... mmh…” I mumbled, not really knowing what he was talking about.

I woke a bit early for my own liking because of the sound coming from Jonathan´s feet, walking back and forth in the bedroom. I rubbed my eyes and sat up a bit, looking at him with a tired and angry look. “What do you have against me getting sleep?” I asked him and laid down again, looking up at the ceiling with my hands under my head. He stopped up and jumped onto the bed like a kid on Christmas morning. “Jesus! Have you been drinking Kelly´s energy drinks again?” I asked and laughed by his childlike behavior. “No… Well, maybe, but that´s not why I´m so jumpy and happy!” He said with the biggest smile ever, still bouncing on the bed up and down. “Well, why is it then?” I asked my confused, but he stopped bouncing and looked at me seriously. “Wait! You really don´t remember, do you?” He raised an eyebrow at me. “Have I promised you things in my sleep again?” I smiled nervously when a smirk formed on his lips by my words. “Yes! You have! But this one you have to promise me for real now will happen!” He said and grabbed my shoulders and shook me in the bed. “Okay, okay! Chill! I just woke up, but I promise if you just stop shaking me,” I said and laughed as he let go of my shoulders, but instead wrapped his arms around my upper body in a big lovable bear hug. I brushed him over the hair and he just squeezed himself closer to me.

His warm embraced faded after a few minutes of laying in the bed when he finally decided to get up. Jonathan began getting dressed nicely and threw some of my clothes over to my which landed on the bed in front of me. “Come on, get up!” Jonathan commanded me playfully, sounding like he was in a hurry. I had no idea where he was headed or what he had planned for the day. “I thought it was our day off work?” I asked him confusedly, but I still began to get myself dressed too as this whole deal looked very important to him for some unknown reason. “It is, but we have a lot of stuff to get done before the wedding next week!” Jonathan shouted from the bathroom where he was doing his hair, but as his words left his mouth, time froze for me. “WHAT!” I yelled at him as I zipped my pants and he returned from the bathroom with a huge smug smirk. “Which wedding? Who´s getting married? I haven´t seen any invitations!” I said with a slight panic in my voice from the thought of forgetting someone´s big day, but who?

He just walked over to me casually as I paced back and forth manically. I stopped up in front of him and he pinched my cheek like I was a little kid. “There are no invitations, yet,” He said and the smirk on his lips only grew bigger at the same pace as my confusion, but something triggered in me. “Wait! Hold on! What exactly did I promise you last night?” I raised a brow at him as my suspicion rose by his facial expression. He tilted his head and folded his hands in front of him. “You promised me your love endlessly.” He said and you could almost see hearts in his eyes from his tooth-rotting sweet words.

I crossed my arms because parts of me didn´t trust him fully and like Brock told me at the start of this mess _“Don´t trust him”._ I leaned on my hip, waiting for a better answer out of him and he could see I was growing impatient by the second. _But if I know Jonathan well and I do, he´s going to drag this out far, wrapping me around his little finger and I can´t do shit once that happens._ He slowly stepped closer to me and kissed me on the cheek and I tried not to flinch by the sweet sensation his kiss left on my skin. He was playing a game and I was so close to losing which he obviously wanted. “You´re so cute when you´re confused,” He whispered and caressed my arm gently. “But we don´t have time for this, we have a ton of shit to buy for next week!” He said with a smile on his lips as he began pulling my arm towards the door. “Jonathan, seriously! I´m not going anywhere until you tell me what happens next week and who´s getting married?!” I finally put my foot down, but I didn´t talk to him in a hard tone though and I could see his playful façade disappear and an honest and beautiful smile returned to his lips.

He rolled his eyes sweetly and finally, he spilled the truth to me. “We are going out to buy stuff for the wedding next week and it´s not just anyone´s wedding, it´s…” He trailed off and looked at the ground, kicking invisible rocks, but our eyes met once again. “It´s ours, you promised me that, two times now.” He chuckled lightly, but my face and posture had frozen over completely, no words left in me. My mouth was a gaping O of too many emotions. _Am I losing my mind?!_

“I… O-ours… What?” I began stuttering and tumble over my own words because I couldn´t find meaning to any of them. Jonathan placed his hands on my shoulders and calmly began breathing with me. “Shh, Evan, relax and breathe properly,” Jonathan told me in a voice I haven´t heard him use before, maybe because I´m not the one that usually freaks out and needs to breathe. Jonathan had begun to get a bad habit of getting small panic attacks now and then and then it´s up to me to calm him down. I honestly not entirely sure why the panic attacks started, but I have my theories like for example that his mind hasn´t been tortured for months and his body and psyche has to get used to relaxing instead of waiting for something bad to happen to him.

Jonathan leaned closer to my body and hugged me, his warmth filling me to the brim and I was finally able to relax a bit more, getting my thoughts straight. He pulled away just enough to getting eye contact with me. “So?” He asked with his crooked and sweet smile on his pink and chapped lips. It looked like he´s been licking his lips too many times. He does that when he´s nervous or excited, so that was a big giveaway that it meant a lot to him. “Well, I just wished that it would have happened differently, but…” I started and I could see the impatient child to Jonathan begin to trip. “But what?!” He exclaimed from his excitement. “But, I guess a promise is a promise,” I said with a big smile and Jonathan gasped loudly, curling his whole body around me in a very tight and weird hug. I pulled him closer to me and kissed him on the cheek and laughed, but right as I did that our door opened and Kelly stood in the doorway, rolling her eyes at us.

“Will you two ever get tired of each other?” She teased and laughed at how Jonathan had wrapped himself around me with both his legs and arms. “No! And Kelly, guess what!” Jonathan turned his face her way. “What?” She chuckled at the sight of him. “We´re getting married!” He yelled on top of his lungs like he´s been holding it in for a long time and I couldn´t help but smile at him. “And it´ll happen next week because I couldn´t wait that long,” He laughed again, but Kelly´s eyes widened. “What! Already!” She exclaimed and walked over to us, grabbing Jonathan´s wrist and pulling him off me. She was headed towards the door before I stopped them halfway. “Where are you going?” I asked her and she gave me a serious look. “You guys have shit to get done, so I´m taking Jonathan with me out shopping because I see him as the girl in your relationship.” She said and laughed, but Jonathan pouted at her. “Girl! Why am I the girl?” He asked in an annoyed tone, but deep inside he knew clearly why he was the girl here, so I just smirked at him and so did Kelly without saying any words. He got our message and huffed some air out.

After a few seconds, Jonathan did what he was best at, laughing it off and joked around. “Come on, Jonathan, time to go wedding shopping,” Kelly said with a huge smile on her lips like it was a dream come true to her. Jonathan giggled and followed her out of the door, leaving me in the house to my thoughts, thoughts about this whole situation.

I walked into our bedroom and sat down on a chair in the corner of the room, looking around at all of the stuff that we had gathered over the months. Pictures I took of us a long time ago hang on the wall and some stood in frames on my old dresser. All of my stuff from my parent´s house had been moved here when we decided to stay with Kelly´s family and that decision was made pretty quick, by all of us. Kelly and her family do know Jonathan and I´s story, we told them that a few months back when Jonathan was finally ready to pour his heart out. I sat beside him through it all, kissing him on the cheek through the good parts and hugging him through the bad ones. It´s incredible how accepting and understanding they´ve all been with us and giving us a chance to start fresh with the little annex, that we build bigger over time. Before Jonathan and I moved in, the annex was only a bedroom and a bathroom, but know it has a bigger bathroom, a living room, and a kitchen, we even got our own porch.

I walked out into the living room and sat down on a bar stool by the kitchen island. I looked around the place and admired all the little and big things Jonathan had done to make this place look like a home. My eyes landed on something hanging on the wall over the TV. 013 and 034 showing on the white t-shirts on the wall, proudly showing off our accomplishments and struggles, well, mostly Jonathan´s, but I´ve been with him through the last steps of it. I smiled to myself, thinking back on when I told Jonathan my idea of doing that with our shirts and luckily he felt the same way as I about them.

I had no idea that I´d been sitting around for that long when Kelly and Jonathan suddenly came through the door, talking about some random topic and holding bags filled with stuff. Jonathan dropped his bags on the counter and almost ran to me and wrapping his arms around me. “Kelly! You weren´t there and I promise you that tailor touched my junk!” Jonathan said laughingly and made Kelly laugh too. Their conversation quickly stopped when Jonathan saw me. “Man, wedding shops are amazing, Evan!” Jonathan said with a mesmerized look in his eyes. “I had no idea you like that kind of stuff,” I laughed at him and nudged him teasingly in the side with my elbow. Jonathan looked over at Kelly who was obviously giggling at us, so he changed the subject quickly. “So, have you called your mom about this? I really want her approval, you know that.” He pleaded to me with his blue puppy dog eyes and Kelly awed at his love for my mom. “No, I haven´t, yet. I wanted you to be here when I call her,” I answered him and his eyes lit up as he began looking for my phone in my pockets.

The talk with my mom went smoothly and I even think she cried from happiness through the phone and actually Jonathan did too when she approved of it. That is the only kind of tears I want to see leave Jonathan´s eyes. Never again will I allow him to cry from sadness, I´ll protect him with my life like I´ve always done through this mess.

Jonathan wanted it to follow tradition, we couldn´t see each other until when we walk the aisle, so he slept in the guest room in Kelly and her parent´s house for the night while I stayed in ours. My suit was neatly folded and laid on the dresser when I woke up and there was a little note on top from Kelly. _“If you hurt Jonathan´s precious heart, I´ll make sure to hunt you down! And congratulations! Love your wedding planner!”_ I laughed at her note and placed it back on the dresser as I took my suit from it.

I sighed out as I laid the fancy black suit out on my bed, looking at it as it was something sacred, that I shouldn´t mess up. I carefully stepped into the black slags and buckled my belt around my waist to keep them up. I buttoned the white shirt and stuffed it into my pants. I sat my hair with some gel, but it was hard as it had grown quite long over some time and I didn´t care to cut it, plus Jonathan liked it long, I kept it. I threw on the black blazer and then came the hard part, the butterfly. I stood in front of the mirror, cursing Jonathan for choosing butterflies over ties as I tried to make it sit properly. I was almost finished when my mom knocked on the door and walked in. She sighed and smiled as she walked over to me and fixed the butterfly. “Thanks,” I said and looked at her with a nervous smile.

She caressed my cheek and looked into my eyes, surrounding me with her calming motherly vibe. “I´m so proud of you,” She said and brought tears to my eyes already. “No, don´t cry, those happy tears aren´t meant for me,” She hushed and walked with me outside to the barn where I was surprised with what Kelly had done to it.

Lights hanging from the ceiling, flowers and the people I care about the most, except, one is missing. I hugged the ones that were there and placed myself where I should be, in front of the pastor, waiting for that special person.

Sooner or later the guy we all were waiting for to arrive came dancing in through the barn´s doors wearing an icy blue suit, perfectly matching the shine in his eyes. It was like he was born to do this, he shined like a thousand suns, looking like he was in his element. “You´re crazy,” I whispered to him and he wiggled his eyebrows at me. “Crazy in love,” He answered with his crooked smile.

“I do.” “I do.”   



End file.
